Page 3 of Stalked By Santa

MADELYN

Heart racing,I scan the ballroom forhim. Santa Claus.

No, not the real Santa. He’s too busy to attend something as minor as a charity gala. Even if this oneisfor a really good cause.

Feeling giddy, I accept a glass of champagne from a passing waiter. As the bubbles tickle my throat, it hits me how truly special this Christmas will be, the first one that Barry and I spend together as a couple.

How did I get so lucky? A boyfriend who not only shares my values but fully accepts me—all of me, even the weirder parts that I only share with my closest friends. Because, really, how many boyfriends would be cool with the fact that I still believe in Santa at nearly twenty-two?

Oh, I know it’s strange. I learned to keep it mostly to myself back in fourth grade when my classmates teased me mercilessly. I’m not ashamed, not exactly, but the ridicule isn’t worth it.

I’m not even sure how I worked up the nerve to confess my belief to Barry, but I’m so glad that I did. Sure, he laughed at first, but when he saw that I was serious, his attitude shifted. I still get butterflies when I remember how he kissed me and said that it was just another quirky thing about me to love.

I came close to confessing thewholetruth that night, but I’m not ready to tell himthatparticular secret yet, a secret I’ve shared with only one man. Santa. I’ve confessedallof my darkest secrets to him ever since I was a little girl, but I doubt he even reads my letters.

And honestly, that’s as it should be. It’s really the only excuse I have for still sharing such personal details with a stranger despite having a boyfriend. Knowing that my letters are sitting unread in a massive pile alongside the billions ofotherletters he receives has soothed my conscience—and made me more daring. There’s a strange freedom in the anonymity of confessingeverythingto Santa.

Still, it’s lonely writing to a man who never writes back, feeling like he’s the only person I can truly be myself with, without judgment. Feeling like he’s the only person who acceptsallof me—unconditionally.

I want that for real. I want it with a man who seesmeand loves me for who I am—and not just because he’s unequivocally good like Santa.I want it with a man who I’ll fall asleep beside every night. Barry and I aren’t quite at that level of intimacy and trust yet, but soon…

Handing my empty glass to another waiter, I continue to search for my boyfriend. He shouldn’t be hard to spot, not tonight when he’s giving me the absolute best Christmas present.

I’m still floored that my always-so-serious lawyer boyfriend actually agreed to play Santa at his law firm’s Christmas charity gala. It’s honestly pretty out of character for him—not that I’m complaining.

In truth, the thought of Barry donning the red suit and black boots excites me to a shameful degree. It’s actually what convinced me to give him a very special Christmas gift this year…

God, I hope this isn’t a mistake. Prior to Barry volunteering to play Santa, I’d actually been having doubts about our relationship. Sure, he didn’t mock me for my belief in the real Santa, but he also didn’t say that he believed in Santa, too.

But that’s not what gave me pause. More that it felt like there’d been some other piece of compatibility missing from our relationship. A disconnect I could never quite articulate despite everything seeming perfect on the surface.

Barry would say it’s because we haven’t gone all the way yet. He doesn’t puttoo muchpressure on me, but I can tell he’s frustrated. And maybe he’s right that deeper physical intimacy will take our relationship to the next level.

Prudishness isn’t why I’ve waited. Really, it’s the opposite. I sometimes worry about how much I think about sex. But I know that I only ever want to be with one man. It isn’t a moral or religious thing. It’s more shameful than that—and one of my secrets that only Santa knows.

I want to beclaimed. Want to be possessed and owned utterly by one man andonlyone man.

And so I’ve waited to have sex, putting off both Barry and the boyfriends before him. Because my virginity is a gift that I can only give once, which means that the man I give it to needs to be worthy.

Yes, that sounds conceited, and maybe it is. But I can’t stand the thought of being intimate, of beingvulnerable, with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs and values.

Or the philosophy behind my beliefs, at least. Waiting to find another adult who believes in Santa would be unreasonable. But finding one who can embody the spirit of Christmas despite not technically “believing”? Who is willing to devote his life to doing good, to helping the less fortunate?

I think I’ve found that in Barry.

I never thought I’d fall for a lawyer, but here I am. Of course, Barry isn’t like other lawyers. He’s one of the good ones. The law firm he works for does so much good in the world.

Their focus is immigration law. Sure, they have a lot of corporate clients looking for help with employment visas. Theyarea business, after all. But they also do a ton of pro bono work with refugees.

That’s how we met. I volunteer with a refugee resettlement organization, teaching English. One of my students was nervous about meeting with the legal counsel who’d offered to take on her asylum case. I went along as moral support. And well, the result has been a whirlwind romance…

It’s funny to think that was only six months ago. And now, just a few days before Christmas, I’m finally ready to go all the way. It’s a big step, but I can’t think of a better time of the year to take it. Christmas means so much to me. Having my first time happennowjust feels right.

I actually went on birth control last month. But I’ve waited to tell Barry, wanting to get the timing just right. Now if only I could find him…

My eyes pass over a group of men chatting at the bar. But they’re all wearing tuxedos, not the signature Santa suit. And none of them are Barry, anyway. Determined to share my news, I continue my search.

This is my fault for being late. I’m regretting arriving at the gala separately, but I didn’t want to cancel my class tonight, not when we were having our end-of-term Christmas party. And of course since Barry is playing Santa,hecouldn’t be late.

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