Page 62 of Love to Hate You

After a quick shower and throwing on a pair of jeans, shirt and light jacket, I head over to catch the ferry. My life is completely changing starting today and it’s the strangest yet most exhilarating feeling. I lean out over the ferry’s railing and let the salty sea air whip my hair around and look out over the bay.

Last night’s complete emotional breakdown clarified one very important thing for me– I am totally and completely head over heels in love with Nash Beckett. As frustrating and stubborn as he can be, he’s the only man I want in my life.

And I always work hard to get exactly what I want.

Today, I’m going to figure out how to fix things. Somehow.

When the ferry docks, I step off the boat and realize how much I’ve missed this place. There’s something here that calms and centers me in a zen sort of way. I can’t explain it but I feel it. It’s almost like the energy here is different. Magical.

Life moves at a completely different pace here than in the city. Walking leisurely down the sidewalk, I stop to grab a coffee at a small bakery. My plan today is that I don't have a plan. Wherever the wind blows me is where I’ll head. Although I do plan to walk down onto the beach and over to the lighthouse later. If this island truly is enchanted, then the lighthouse is its heart and the source of its magic and wonder.

I’ve fallen in love with Nash, quit my job and now I’m going to have his baby.Wow.I certainly altered the entire course of my life in a matter of three months,I think, and take a sip of coffee. Like everything else here, it’s somehow better and leaves a delightful mocha aftertaste on my tongue.

Considering the fact that I’m spending a day doing absolutely nothing, it flies by. After wandering all over, the siren pull of the lighthouse draws me down to the beach where the waves crash against the shore. I slip my shoes off and dip my toes in the ocean. It’s cold and refreshing. I’ve come here searching for answers and the only answer I keep coming back to is I love Nash.

I love him so damn much it hurts. I love him so much that I handed him the presidency and now I’m having his baby. The question that keeps spinning through my head is does he love me? Sure, we had a good time in bed but that doesn’t necessarily translate into love for a man. And the fact that he never alluded to love, or a future together leaves me full of doubt.

Then after telling him, I’m pregnant, he assumes it’s Jordan’s baby. I wrap my arms around myself and sigh. Why would he think such a thing?

The only clarity this trip has given me is that if I can’t convince Nash to listen to me and give us a chance then I don’t know how I’m going to live without him.

My ego, heart and soul will officially be shattered.

And like Jordan said, I’ll have a permanent hole that I’ll never be able to fill.

21

NASH

After a sleepless night, I arrive at work early the next morning and every single person I run across congratulates me. It feels good but, at the same time, I can’t fully appreciate it without my partner in crime. Every time I look up, I expect to see Charlie.

Without her, I have nothing to celebrate. Standing in front of the window in my dad’s old corner office, arms crossed, I think about how much I miss her. When we were arguing last night, I had my head so far up my jealous ass that it didn’t sink in about her being pregnant with my child. Not fully, anyway, until last night when I was lying in bed.

Holy fuck. I’m going to be a dad. Having a child and a family of my own has never been a priority. I didn’t even want a serious relationship until recently. And now I’m going to have a little fraction of a human being that is half me and half Charlie.

It’s a terrifying thought but one that leaves me really excited. I never had a good relationship with my father, so I’d like to try this whole fatherhood thing. Hell, who am I kidding? Just like Charlie, when I decide to do something, I’m all in and face the challenge head on, determined to be successful.

And I’m fucking determined as shit to be the Number One Dad on the planet. I’m going to spoil that kid rotten and protect him or her with my life. But first I need to figure out how to make up for all the bullshit. I know I hurt Charlie yesterday with my assumptions and accusations. I let Ivy and Jordan get in my head instead of listening to the woman who I love.

And I love her so damn much. I pinch the bridge of my nose and know that I need to set things right between us immediately. Charlie is the most important thing in my life. Not this stupid job or what anyone else says or thinks.

The other night, while contemplating fatherhood and unable to sleep, I suddenly remembered my dad’s letter. I had no desire to ever read it and stuck it in the top drawer of my dresser the day I returned home after the will was read. But, for some inexplicable reason, I had the urge to read it last night.

Maybe because I’m going to be a father or because my father messed up so badly with us and I don’t want to do the same. It’s my biggest fear and any insight into avoiding the same trap that he fell into is reason enough for me to tear the envelope open and see what the old man had to say.

So that’s exactly what I did. I can still picture his words, written in all capital letters, on that piece of paper:

Dear Nash– my oldest son and the one who followed in my footsteps. Sort of. What can I say? I didn’t always make the right decisions when it came to raising you and your brothers and sister. I pushed everyone hard, especially you, Nash. But I don’t regret it. I’m hoping it is part of the reason you’ve turned into such an amazing and intelligent young man. Maybe I can take a little credit of that.

If you’re reading this letter, then I’ve passed on and TB Tech now belongs to you and your siblings. It’s my fervent wish that you take control and keep rising to the top. Charlie Langley will be able to help you do that.

Now I know what you’re thinking and, no, my mind isn’t addled or fuzzy right now. I’m thinking clearly and I’m going to tell it to you straight– that woman is the best there is and if you’re too stupid or too stubborn to see it then I pity you. If you and Charlie can learn to work together, the world is your oyster, and no one will be able to stop you. You’ll be a duo to be reckoned with in the corporate world and success will be yours for the taking.

I said I’m going to be blunt so I’m also going to tell you something else– you two would make a great team on a personal level, too. I see things in her that would complement you and vice versa. Before you scoff, son, I want you to know how amazing the two of you would be together.

Do me a favor…

For once, trust your old man.

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