Page 63 of Doctor Bossy

I can’t breathe, I thought now as I stormed out of the hospital and into the street, barely noticing the stares I was likely getting. I couldn’t even clearly recall how I got here, only that my vision had become laser-focused on escape. Because it was happening again.

The same thing was happening all over again. I could feel it in every bone in my body.

What were the odds?It was like the universe was laughing at me or trying to teach me a lesson. What were the odds that the two women I fell in love with would end up dying on me? What were the odds that just when I found a moment of fleeting happiness once more, it would be stolen from me?

I stumbled a few more steps before the full magnitude of my thoughts hit me.

In love?Did I just unconsciously acknowledge the fact that I loved Becca? God, where had that thought come from?

The confusion and panic kept me moving, and I barely saw my surroundings until I finally reached the edge of the road. There was a park on the other side of the road. It was usually crowded, but at this time of day, it was likely empty. I noted that I was right as I crossed the road, getting closer to the park. Good. I could wait there.

I moved to sit on the bench, taking in deep breaths.Calm down, Griffin, I told myself.You’re a grown-ass man having a panic attack outside because of a medical test. You’re a doctor, for crying out loud.

It’s not the end of the world.

Yes, but it might as well have been. I was losing Becca, the one good thing in my life, the only thing that had even brought me a modicum of joy and peace lately, the one who had made me alive in this humdrum mundanity that life had become. It would have been better if I was the one dying. If it was me who’d gotten the news. I would have been accepting.

But to think of Becca, so young, so vibrant, going through everything Heather went through? To think of losing her?

Even the thought sent my terror skyrocketing.

No. Everything in me hardened with denial.I was not losing her.I would fight tooth and nail to keep it from happening, even if I had to spend the rest of my life finding a cure for her. Whatever it took—money, time—I would give everything to find a way to save her the way I couldn’t save Heather.

Because losing her might break me even more than losing my wife had.

I sat there thinking about the magnitude of that realization. The fact that I loved Becca wasn’t a surprise. It would be difficult not to love a woman like her, one so sweet, so giving. Just how much I loved her was what came as a shock to me. The feelings might have crept in slowly, too gradual for me to notice, so I presumed it was just lust. But it wasn’t…it had never been.

My feelings should have hit me as a total betrayal to Heather, but for some reason, I couldn’t think of it like that. I couldn’t see Becca like that. The two were not even on the same plane for comparisons—my relationship with Heather was one thing, and my feelings for Becca were entirely another thing.

And I was finally ready to face it.

Girding myself, I got up and started making my way back to the hospital, but then changed my mind once I got closer. Instead, I walked to the lab parking lot, where my SUV was, and got in it. There was something I had to do first before I went back there. I was a grown enough man to understand what it meant; that I couldn’t keep the promise I had made to my wife. The cemetery wasn’t too far away, and I needed to make a stop before I could go back and face Becca cleanly.

Before I began to drive, I put my phone on silent, not wanting any distractions. I knew the path by heart even though I had not been there for nearly three months.

Driving down the path to the cemetery was a surreal experience. It was right behind a playground that belonged to the church close by. Heather had always joked about wanting to be buried here so she could haunt little kids and give them stories to tell each other over a campfire. I hadn’t found the situation all that humorous at the time but made sure to grant her wishes after she died. But now, as I parked my car and began walking toward her gravestone, I couldn’t help wondering if she’d fulfilled her end of the bargain.

The rainbow-colored slab of stone, the only one in the entire cemetery that wasn’t slate grey, sat at the back of the cemetery, so it took me a few minutes of walking to reach it. And once I was there, I stood still for a few minutes, not knowing quite what to say.

“Hey,” I began. “It’s me again. I know…I know it’s been a while.”

Heather’s gravestone was decorated in different colors, and rather than one simple statement, there were scribbles of all different kinds engraved into it. Heather had touched so many lives before she passed, and she continued to even in her death, so I wanted it represented there.

“I know I haven’t been here for the past few months,” I continued. “I’m sorry. Sometimes, it’s hard coming here, seeing you like this. And I know it’s no excuse, but…yeah. I came today, though probably not for a reason you’ll be happy with.” The next words got stuck in my throat for a few seconds before I forced them out. “Heather, I’m not sure what to say, but…you were right. I met someone else.” She had always said I would after she died. I insisted that I would never marry again, but then she just shook her head with a gentle smile.

“That’s not how life works,” she’d said. “You think it hurts so bad that you’ll never love again, but you forget all the good times we had. And one day, you will meet someone who will reinvigorate that love again.”

I instantly denied it. Loving again meant that I would move on from her, and I didn’t want to.

A part of me had wanted to die there with her. But God hadn’t let me. I lived.

“I did a lot of things wrong, Heather,” I said. “With our son and with life, I guess. I found a cure for the disease you had, but it was too late to save you. And even with that…I got it approved for human trials, but I didn’t go about it the right way. I got involved in university politics and swore my allegiance behind someone I never should have, and I’m still not sure I did the right thing, but I think it will be alright if people are helped because of what I did. That makes it worth it, right?”

There was no answer, as expected, and no peace to be had on that front. I sighed. “But that isn’t what I came to talk to you about. I told you I met someone else. This girl…I think she has the same disease you had. I think she’ll be leaving me soon too, and…God, I don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Because…I love her, you know? I’m so sorry, Heather, but I love her. I know I told you I won’t ever love anyone else, but I broke my promise.”

If I concentrated hard enough, I could see Heather there, smiling at me. I knew she wouldn’t begrudge me this. She would roll her eyes at me and say, “Of course you love her, you silly old man. How could you not? Do you think I want you to be alone for the rest of your life? I’m dead. There’s nothing I can do for you now. I’m happy with the time I got with you. You should be, too, at the fact that you got two loves in your life.”

It sounded so much like her that I almost cried, but there were no tears to cry.

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