His expression said as much.
His words were tight, but he managed to squeeze out the words with dry derision. “Don’t worry on my account.”
Her eyes narrowed at him.
“I wanted you the moment I laid eyes on you, Jenna. I didn’t care what walk of life you came from, about your abilities, none of it. That’s more than the king can say about the queen. Everyone calls what they have love. Why can’t you do the same with this?”
“He loves her, Sebastian,” she said, aching for this man who could see through everyone he encountered but could not see what was so obvious to all those around him.
“It’s another word for the same thing.”
She could not allow him to evade, could not let him slide around her defenses, not without meeting her demands. There was too much at stake. “Love and marriage are about more than physical passion and obsession.”
“And so is this,” he said, gesturing between the two of them. “I told you that you were singular, Jenna. That wasn’t a lie. What is between us is, as well. You think that what exists between us is normal, like it happens like this all the time because it’s the only thing you know, but it’s not.”
“Our child deserves a real family, Sebastian,” she said. “I deserve to be loved.”
“Loved?” he said darkly. “Sweet Jenna. I drink from you until there is nothing left. I possess you, body and soul, until you can’t remember if you ever had a dream before I came into your life. I thought once would be enough. I was wrong, and now I need a constant supply—and you do, too. Love pales in comparison to how I feel about you. You think our child needs a happy family, fine, but don’t for a minute lie to yourself about what you want, Jenna. You won’t be happy with something as watered down as love when you could have me.”
The truth of his words lanced through her, impaling her, lodging in her chest, pinning her to a lonely future.
Her hand came to her abdomen by habit, reminding her. Not lonely. She wouldn’t be lonely for a long time.
She would have their child, and her friends, she thought, realizing that something had shifted inside her. She could pick up the phone and call her friends and family at any time. She always could. The knowledge gave her the strength she needed to hold her ground. She loved him, but she wouldn’t be a martyr.
“You’re wrong. I know you are the only one for me. A part of me has known it from the beginning. You’re not the only one who knows things. But life sometimes requires sacrifice, even a once-in-a-lifetime one. Our child is worth that sacrifice.”
She was breaking apart inside, but it was okay. For the first time since they’d parted at the d’Tierrza gala, she could feel her inner compass again—could sense the magnetic pull of truth in her cracked-open and bleeding chest. “It’s all or nothing, Sebastian. I deserve that.”
He stepped back from her as if the movement hurt him, his eyes sliding toward the blank screen of the ultrasound monitor that had only recently given them their first image of their child. Then, as if he were a thousand years old, his bones brittle and fragile and rigid, he walked out of the room.
He hadn’t spoken, but he had given her his answer.
She watched him go, staring after him, numb for an eternal instant.
When he had been gone long enough that the sounds of the clock ticking and her breathing had become overloud to her ears, she put her face in her hands and cried like she was a baby.