Page 31 of Blurred Lines

It’s another reason why I feel confident with spending the summer with Jared, Axel and Foster. Our one night together was fun. They made me laugh and feel wild and carefree. But I never felt the way Wilder makes me feel. When I’m around Wilder, I feel jittery. My heart races, and it’s like nothing around me matters except him. He just draws your attention, and he has this way about him that can make everything else around you fall away, until all you see is him.

I’m not at risk of falling in love with the band, not the same way I would be if I spent more time with Wilder. Which is why I have to go. I need that distance in order to gain some clarity. My whole life has been about studying and school, and in these last few months, I feel like I’ve just started to discover a whole other side of myself. I barely know who I am, but what I do know is that I’d easily lose myself in Wilder. He’s all-consuming, and it’s terrifying. I just…I’m not ready for that, yet.

“I think I hurt his feelings though,” I say with a grimace. It’s not at all what I wanted to do. In fact, just knowing that I’ve hurt him makes me feel like a horrible human being. It’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.

“Don’t worry,” Hadley reassures me, reaching out to squeeze my hand. “We’ll take care of him.”

I give her a thankful smile.

“What about Hawk? Are there any feelings there?”

I bark out a laugh, shaking my head. “I never have any idea what Hawk is thinking. He’s a blank slate to me. Surprisingly, I think I’m going to miss the ornery asshole, but I don’t think there was anything between us other than that one night,” I tell her, although thoughts of him pushing me up against the desk in the classroom flood my mind, making my lower belly clench, and a quiet voice in the back of my mind whispersliar.I shut her down real quick though, because as hazardous as Wilder would be to my heart, Hawk is just as dangerous.

We move the conversation on to other topics, discussing our plans for the summer, college, Hadley’s gap year. Before we know it, it’s the early hours of the morning and Hadley is giving me a final hug goodbye, with a whispered promise that she will see me soon.

The next morning, I drag my luggage through campus to where I have a cab waiting for me outside the main school building. It’s still early in the morning, and even though all of the seniors have to move out today, the campus is quiet as I stroll through it for the last time. Hadley wanted to come and see me off this morning, but I felt it would be easier if it was just me. Besides, we said our goodbyes last night and I’m not sure I could go through that again. Even now, with every step I take, a part of me doesn’t want to leave. I tell myself it’s because I’ve spent the last four years here. It’s safe and familiar, but I know that’s not all of it. Part of me doesn’t want to walk out of here knowing I may never see Hawk or Wilder again.

Well, I’ll probably run into Hawk, what with him being Hadley’s brother and all, but it will be polite hellos and brief catch-ups. Nothing more. As for Wilder...I have no idea what his plans are now. I still can’t wrap my head around the fact he planned out a whole summer for us to spend together. I didn’t let him see it at the time, but it sounded like it would have been one hell of a trip, and I know, even though I did the right thing turning him down, a part of me is always going to wonderwhat if.

But the thing is, Hawk, Wilder and I were never meant to be anything more than one spontaneous night of fun. I’ll look back on my memories of them with fondness, and there’s no denying they’ll always have a place in my heart, but they come from a completely different world than me. One where you can follow your whims and plan fancy, expensive summer vacations. It’s not the real world. It’s notmyworld. I can’t afford to take a risk on either of them and let the future I have planned for myself fall by the wayside, regardless of how much my heart hurts at leaving them behind.

I don’t know whether it was just bad timing, or we just weren’t meant to be, but whatever the reason, I couldn’t let myself fall for either of them, and I knew that’s exactly what would have happened with Wilder if I’d gone away with him. It would be impossible not to. He’s got such a big personality, and damn, when he focuses all of his attention on you? Well, it can make a girl feel pretty damn special. But he’s also generally flighty and unreliable. He genuinely cares for Hadley, and he was there for her when she needed him, but I can’t be sure that his feelings for me aren’t just superficial, born out of close proximity to one another and heightened by our combined concern over Hadley. There would be no guarantee that, after spending two months together, he would be bored out of his mind and looking for the next girl to chase after. And the problem is, I’d just have fallen more and more in love with him. He’d only break my heart and I just can’t open myself up to that kind of hurt.

I did feel bad about the way I left things with him, though. It’s not how I wanted us to say goodbye, so I left him a note under his door this morning. I explained everything that I wasn’t able to put into words—why I couldn’t spend the summer with him, the way he makes me feel, and how scared I am of confronting those feelings. He’ll know damn well that what I’m really doing is running away—running from him; from us—but he deserved better than the pitiful verbal excuses I gave him the other night. When I’m around him, my head and heart war against each other, and it makes it difficult to think straight, but writing it all down on paper was both cathartic and necessary, for my sake, and for his. I hope it explains things better for him, and gives him some closure. I hope he knows that it’s not him. He’s…imperfectly perfect. This is all me. It might be a decision I live to regret, but right now, I feel like it’s the best onefor me.I’m only eighteen. I’ve barely begun to figure out who I am and what I want in life, and I need to do that without the all-consuming intensity that is both Hawk and Wilder surrounding me and occupying my every waking thought.

School is officially over. I’m done with this part of my life now, and I’m starting on a new adventure. From here on out, I’m only looking forward. Besides, if it’s meant to be, then…well, who the fuck knows.

As the taxi drives through the campus gates and pulls away from Pacific Prep, I say a final goodbye to the school where I grew up, where I found my best friend, where I discovered there’s more to life than just studying. I don’t once look back, clutching the plane ticket in my hand. I’m moving on to a new adventure now. The next phase of my life. And I can’t fucking wait.

THE END…FOR NOW

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