Page 50 of Master of Pleasure (Lessons From the Rack 3)

He considered all his reasons for staying away from Ronnie, reasons he’d thought were not only justified but noble. Yet sitting with Andie calling him out, they didn’t sound like reasons anymore. They sounded like excuses. He didn’t even need to say them out loud.

“I’ve been an ass,” he said.

“They say acceptance is the first step.” Andie’s eyes danced in amusement. “Now what are you going to do about it?”

He dipped his head and looked at the coffee mug his hands were wrapped around. She was right. He’d learned to accept years ago that Andie was usually right about such things. That he had been an ass was easy to agree with. The harder question was, what would he do about it?

Andie stood up and patted his shoulder. “I told Fulton I’d make lunch for the men working on the lighthouse. Let me know if you need anything.”

Though he’d been determined to find Ronnie not more than an hour before, he no longer wished to do so. Not yet anyway. He had a lot of thinking to do.

It waslate afternoon before Terrence renewed his search for Ronnie. Over the past several hours, he’d spent a lot of time thinking, and in thinking about the situation with Ronnie, he also forced himself to admit truths he knew about his own life. Truths he’d known for years but had refused to acknowledge.

His plan to seek redemption from Ronnie and to do something about those truths was fluid. There were several paths to his desired outcome. Some he thought he’d enjoy more than others, but he was also aware that there were likely more he hadn’t discovered.

What it all boiled down to, he realized when he found Ronnie in her office (because of course she’d be exactly where she was supposed to be), was that he didn’t have a fucking clue what to say to her other than the one most important thing.

“Can I help you?” Ronnie asked after he’d been standing silently for what was probably longer than polite in her doorway.

“Do you have a minute to talk?”

She gave him a wary once-over, but nodded. “I suppose,” she said, standing. “Talk here or outside?”

“Here is fine.” If their talk went badly, he didn’t want to deal with the potential of it being heard or captured in some way. They still had no idea how anyone knew to find them at the cottage, which meant he needed to be careful about what he said and where it was said.

Her office held a small waiting area, and after she closed the door, they walked over to it and sat down. He couldn’t help but notice the tension in her body. Signs of it were everywhere, from the thin line of her lips, her too-squared shoulders, unmoving spine, all the way down to her perfectly crossed ankles. Tension that was there because of him.

“First of all, thank you for agreeing to talk with me,” he said.

“I have a few minutes,” she said. “I was able to get a lot more done today than yesterday since I didn’t have to spend half my time talking to your agent.”

“Ex-agent.”

“Ex?” Her forehead wrinkled. “Why ex?”

“Apparently, I’m too much of a liability.”

“Because of me?”

“No.” He leaned forward, wanting to take her hands in his, but he didn’t, knowing he didn’t have the right. “Because of me. It was all me.”

She didn’t look convinced. He wished he hadn’t said anything.

“It doesn’t matter. I’d been thinking about firing him and hadn’t gotten around to it. But…” He took a deep breath, irritated he had somehow got off topic before he even started. “None of that matters though. None of that is what I want to talk about.”

She remained silent, almost pensive, with her hands in her lap and her head down. Had he done that to her with his actions over the past week?

“I need to apologize,” he said. “For the way I’ve been since we returned from the cottage. I thought I was doing you a favor, as if by staying away from you, I could somehow shield you and protect you. But I can see now I didn’t prevent anything. All I did was make an ass out of myself.”

She lifted her head. “You made me feel unwanted. Like I was something to be used and tossed away when the mood strikes you. And the worst part was, it wasn’t the first time.”

“I’m sorry. Truly.” He wasn’t sure if seeking her out today had been the best thing to do. But no, he decided, it was for the best. If for no other reason than for her to know she’d done nothing wrong. “I’d like to say it won’t happen again, but I would never assume you’d ever want to play with me again.”

“Maybe in another five years.”

He wasn’t sure if she was teasing or not, but his reply was the truth. “If that’s how long I have to wait, then so be it.” The corner of her mouth upturned a bit. “Though there’s no way I can promise I won’t be an ass in the future, because undoubtedly I will.”

“Thank you for that,” she said and dipped her head, but not before he saw her cheeks go pink. “That night at the cabin showed me how I’d been lying to myself and others about my kink needs. I have you to thank for that.”

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