Page 93 of The English Professor

Maybe I shouldn’t have run off. Maybe I should have talked to Jack, but in that moment, when that horrid man had started talking, the blood rang so loudly in my ears and my knees felt like they were about to give out, and I couldn’t think about anything other than—I need to get out of here and fast.

I take a few deep breaths and sit up in bed, allowing the low December sunlight to bathe me in its glow, and in my head, I pretend it also washes away all of my negative thoughts. The trees and grass and plants outside are tinged with a sparkling white frost. I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas. The thought of spending time with my parents who I barely get on with absolutely destroys me, especially given everything I’ve been through. The last thing I want is to spend Christmas at home.

I decide that this is the year things are going to change. I’ll give them a call later to let them know I won’t be there this year. I’ll make something up about going away with friends, and the sad thing is, I don’t think they’ll even be that bothered.

I head down the stairs, still wrapped in my fleecy white robe and fleecy slippers and proceed to make tea. It’s the only plan I have for the day—sit in my comfies drinking endless cups of tea while staring out into the beautiful frost-touched landscape.

I’m on my third cup of tea when there’s a light knocking at the door. My heart lurches—could it be...

I open the door to see a warm, friendly face. ‘Huguette!’

‘Good morning. I thought I saw smoke coming out of the chimney, so I came to have a look. Is Jack here too?’

‘It’s just me. It’s lovely to see you again. Won’t you come in?’

‘Is everything okay?’ she asks.

I try to smile but it comes out as this lopsided, failed attempt. ‘Not exactly.’

‘Oh no,’ Huguette makes her way in and takes off her coat. ‘One thing I have learnt from living in England for so long is that there is nothing that can’t be discussed over a warm cup of tea. Let me make some for us and we will have a chat, yes?’

I had come here to hide, to isolate myself from the outside world, but Huguette’s offer of a cuppa and some company nearly had me in tears. Perhaps a friendly face was what I needed after all.

‘Thank you. That would be lovely.’

Huguette sets about preparing the cups of tea and I linger around her, completely useless, clutching the fluffy robe, my arms wrapped protectively around my middle.

‘There we are,’ she says, pouring and stirring the milk into the tea. ‘Now start at the beginning.’

I can’t believe it, but I tell Huguette everything, from the wine and cheese do all the way to the last straw when I came home to find my building on fire.

‘Mon coeur!’ she declares. ‘What a thing you have been through! And all in one night. Life can be cruel,’ she sympathises with me. ‘Tell me, you and Jack... you are still together?’

I nod. ‘We haven’t spoken since... since it all happened.’

Huguette nods. ‘He will be very worried, our Jack.’

‘I know. I was going to call him. I mean, I am going to call him. I just needed a bit of space. Some breathing room.’

She smiles kindly. ‘He will take care of you. You don’t even have to ask him, he will want to do this for you. He is a good boy, our Jack, even if he does seem a bit grumpy sometimes,’ she grins.

‘It all happened so quickly and I just ran off. Or rather, I drove here. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but I felt like I was suffocating. I just needed out of Castle Eden and away from it all.’

‘Sometimes, the best plan is to make a cup of tea and to wait, to be still and then to re-evaluate what path you ought to take.’

Huguette summarises exactly how I feel. I am old enough to know that during tough times, I need absolute quiet and stillness to sort through my thoughts. Others might look upon it as running away, but that’s not it, exactly. It is as though I need the quiet so that I can think, so I can figure out how I feel. And the truth is, I feel better for it.

‘But then once you’ve finished your cup of tea,’ Huguette interrupts my thoughts, ‘you will have to make a decision—do I make another cup of tea? Or do I take action? And onlyyouwill know when the right time is to make that decision.’ She smiles warmly.

I sip my tea, a quiet understanding between us.

‘Well, my tea is done’ Huguette stands up, ‘and I will need to get back to the house. But you know where we are, me and Bernard. If you need anything, please just ask.’

‘Thank you, Huguette. I will.’

Her words ring in my ears long after she’s left.He will be worried. I know Jack will be wondering where I am, but I can’t bear to go through everything again. I will call him. Just not right now. I still need time to process everything, to understand how I feel about it all without someone else’s feelings involved—I will have another cup of tea.

The funny thing is, the longer I think about everything, the more I dive into my real feelings. Was I upset about what happened at the wine and cheese event? Having thought about it a bit longer, I’m not sure I was. If I was being truly honest with myself, I ran out because I’d had enough. That place is toxic in so many ways and I needed out. Should I have taken Jack with me? Absolutely. But then, hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

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