Page 50 of My Forever Soldier

“You know me,” she teased.

Luke caught her eye. He had once known her so well, and he almost,almosthad that feeling back again.

“I know I’ve said it before, Ollie, but I need you to know how sorry I am for what happened between us. For the way I left.”

He watched as she swallowed, fingers twitching beneath his. “I know you are, Luke. I believe you.” Ollie hesitated. “And it wasn’t just your fault. I can’t keep blaming you and acting like it was all your doing.”

“Ollie, I’m the one who left.”

“Yeah, but who pushed you into it, Luke?” She had tears In her eyes now, which she brushed away, and he squeezed her hand again, laced his fingers tight around hers. “I know I was to blame, and I need you to hear me say it.

“Let’s just say that neither of us helped things, huh?” he suggested. The last thing he wanted was for her to be hurting when they should both be feeling more positive. “I...” He cleared his throat, made himself tell her what he’d held back for so long. “When I told you I didn’t want children, I never told you why, and I’ve wished all this time that I’d at least tried to explain myself.”

She laughed. “You mean before I jumped down your throat and told you I was pregnant?”

Luke lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “Something like that.” He looked away and then back at her. “When my parents died, I was old enough to remember them, and it made everything I went through so much worse, because I knew how different things would have been if they’d still been here.”

Olivia grasped his hand tightly.

“When I decided to become a soldier, I also decided that I never wanted to be a dad. Because I knew how dangerous my job was, and I didn’t ever want a child of mine to experience what I had. I didn’t want them knowing what it was like to have a dad, then lose him, and when I knew I was being redeployed, part of me honestly thought that Charlie would be better off not knowing me.”

“Oh, Luke!” Olivia was shaking her head. “I hope you know that’s not true. And all the things I said, how sleep deprived we were with a difficult baby at the time, and me thinking I’d somehow trapped you into a marriage you didn’t want…”

“It’s not your fault, Ollie.” He took his hand from hers so he could pick at the label of his beer bottle. “I still could have come back, tried to make things better, but I honestly believed you were both better off without me. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how many times I tried to call you. How many times I picked up the phone or a pen, wanting to tell you how I felt, or to find out it you wanted me to come home.”

They were staring at one another, neither breaking their gaze.

“It’s like war made me immune to pain on so many levels, let me block things out that I shouldn’t have been able to. I was putting so much energy into the younger guys serving with me sometimes, wanting to help them so bad, and at the same time ignoring what I should have been dealing with, who I should have been looking after.” Now it was Luke’s eyes crowded with tears, fighting to look at Ollie for fear of what he might see in hers. “My real family.”

“What matters is what we do now,” Ollie told him, plucking his fingers from the beer bottle and holding on tight. “We both did things we shouldn’t have, but if you’re prepared to start over, then so am I.”

Luke had no idea what he’d done to deserve a second chance, but he wasn’t going to waste it. “I know my priorities, Ollie. Now you just have to let me prove to you that it’s not just about Charlie. The fact we have a son together means a lot, but it was you I fell in love with, and nothing could ever change that.”

Olivia didn’t wantto cry, and that meant they needed to get out of here and into the open.

“Do you want to go for a walk down the beach again?”

It was as if he’d read her mind. “Sure.” Even if being on the beach in the dark with him was kind of daunting.

And there were so many things she wanted to ask him, so many questions she still had, but was afraid to hear the answers to.

And she also didn’t want to ruin what had been a really nice night.

She turned and waited for Luke to finish paying the bill. The beach was across the road, and standing outside. Olivia could hear the rumble of water hitting the sand. But there was one thing she knew now that she hadn’t before, something that had troubled her from the day she’d found out she was pregnant, the day Luke had proposed to her… That her husband hadn’t just committed to her out of a sense of duty. Maybe he’d done it because he wanted to.

Luke appeared. “Let’s go.”

They walked close, side by side, but Ollie craved his touch. When he had his arm around her, it made her forget every insecurity that plagued her, made her want to exist in a world where they never discussed the tough stuff. Where him leaving wasn’t an option.

Luke again seemed to read her mind, and placed his hand on the small of her back. “Do you want to sit or walk?”

She looked down and immediately wanted to sink into the cool sand.

“Sit,” she said.

They walked a few feet and dropped to the ground. A little farther down the beach, a group of teens sat around a glowing campfire. The echo of their chatter drifted to them, and Olivia was pleased they weren’t completely alone. It settled her jumping nerves, and gave her the confidence she needed to ask Luke a question. The final question she needed to know, to try to understand him and what his career truly meant to him.

“What was it like at war? I mean, what was Itreallylike for you, Luke?”

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