Page 7 of My Forever Soldier

“Charlie needs both his parents, Luke, but us being together isn’t a reality.”

Luke watched her, giving nothing away. Then he sighed. “I know.”

Give him a star for trying, but even he knew there was no hope. She knew if he was serious about them he would have acted on it sooner. Would have made more of an effort and not let it get to this point. Wouldn’t have walked away in the first place, or would have at least come back before now.

“You walked out on our marriage, Luke. I know I was partly to blame, but I would never, ever have walked away from you.”

He nodded, palms flat on the table, his foot tapping insistently on the floor as if he wanted to get up and walk away right now.

“Luke...” She paused, not sure how to say what she needed to tell him. “Luke, I just don’t know if I could love you anymore.” There, she’d said it. Said the words that had been choking her for weeks, months, years even. A weight lifted like a veil that had been suffocating her. Because what had happened between them had changed everything.

“I understand.” His voice was deep. Full of emotion. “Of course I understand.”

She paused again, pushing her fears back down her throat, sucking back the tears. “Then what are we doing here? Why are we pretending that it’s okay you’re back here staying with us?” Ollie stood up and paused at the window. Touched her head to the cool of the glass.

She felt rather than heard him rise. He was standing behind her. Every hair on her body stood at attention, aware of him being so close. Too close.

“We’re married, Ollie. We have a son. That does still mean something.”

Ollie turned, her eyes locking hard on to his. She knew it meantsomething, but he couldn’t just walk back into their lives and expect her to fall in a heap at his feet. She had to protect her own heart, and her son’s. It wasn’t just about her and Luke anymore. It hadn’t been since Charlie had been born.

“Those things aren’t enough to make us work. To make this work. We need to be good parents, nothing more. What we had has gone, and we don’t need to stay married for Charlie to be happy.”

Tears flowed freely down her cheeks. She acknowledged their cold, wet presence and didn’t try to stop them.

“I don’t want him growing up without a family.” Luke punched out the words. “Because then I’d be putting him through what I went through, and I can’t live with that.”

“Neither do I,” she snapped back, unable to hide how angry she was. Luke had made it obvious that she had nothing to do with why he wanted to possibly stay married, but was it just because he didn’t want to repeat his own past, or something more? “Do you really think we could be together again, after all this time of growing apart?”

He shrugged, a noncommittal movement of the shoulders that told her nothing.

“You left me, alone, all that time, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over that.”

“Now you’re being unreasonable!” he bellowed, his soft demeanor disappearing quicker than it had arrived.“I had no choice. You knew my duty when you married me, and things were already bad well before I left.” He shook his head. “When I called and heard your voice on the phone, when I rang and then had to hang up as soon as you answered, I didn’t know where to start, or what I could say.”

“You said you’d leave the army for me, Luke.” She wasn’t ready to admit that their marriage had already been teetering too close to the edge before she’d found out he was leaving. Or to acknowledge the fact that hehadtried to call her more often than he had. “You promised. And then you walked out on our marriage like it meant nothing to you.”

“I had to go, Ollie. Leaving my boys over there would have been wrong and you know it.” His voice went soft, low. “But what I did to you, leaving, was unforgivable and not a day has gone past that I haven’t wished things could have been different.”

She knew her last comment had been a low blow; she shouldn’t have said it. But it was what she had held so close for so long. Thought about when she’d lain awake at night, alone, with no husband next to her in the bed. When they’d hit a rough patch he’d taken the easy option and just left, when all she’d wanted was for him to fight for her. No matter what had happened, how hard things had been, all she’d wished for was that he could prove to her that he’d married her for more than just the sake of her being pregnant. That she wasn’t being used by men like her mom had been.

“I can’t do this again, Luke. We can’t make this work.”

She’d only just got over him. Just managed to move on, and now he was asking for what? A second chance? Was he just trying to make sure she’d let him see his son? Because she’d never stop him from being in Charlie’s life.

Luke strode the two steps to stand before her, to tower over her small frame. “No.”

“No?”

“You heard me.” His voice was determined now, commanding rather than questioning. “I did my duty, served my country. The way I left you makes me a crappy husband, but it doesn’t mean I don’t deserve a chance to at least be a better dad, Ollie. “

Ollie stayed silent. She didn’t trust her voice. She should have been grateful that it was his son he wanted, but a little voice cried out in her mind, because it would have felt so good to know he wanted her, too. To hear him say he’d do anything to be back inherlife again.

“I want to be there for Charlie.”

“But, Luke…” Her voice cracked as he reached out one hand to steady her shaking arm.

Her voice was barely a whisper when she finally spoke again. “I can’t put us in a position to be left again. You need to prove yourself to me, Luke, and to Charlie, before you can be his full-time dad. Right now you’re like a new toy, but how long before the batteries fail and you’re gone again?”

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