Page 23 of My Forever Soldier

“No, Ollie. I mean that maybe we could have avoided all the hard stuff. That it wouldn’t be like this. That you could have understood what I meant when I told you I didn’t want to be a dad.”

She tucked her feet up and wrapped her arms around her legs, knees drawn up tight to her chin. He knew he’d hurt her when he’d told her that, but back then he hadn’t known how to express his fears, what he was so desperately afraid of.

“I know what it’s like to remember a dad and know that he’ll never come back,” Luke said in a low voice. “To grow up with no one and wish that things could have been different, wish that you could turn back time. I can still remember flashes of what they were like, both of my parents, but then sometimes I wonder if I imagined it just to have something to hold on to.”

Olivia had tears in her eyes now, threatening to spill down her cheeks. “I don’t want that for Charlie, Luke. I don’t want to see him wait for his dad his whole life.”

Luke shook his head, steeled his jaw and tried to fight the emotion ripping through his own body. But he couldn’t. He fell forward, on his knees, reaching for Ollie’s hands and holding tight once he had them.

“Ollie, you need to believe me when I say I don’t want to repeat that pattern.Please. And my leaving, that was me tryingnotto repeat it, trying to stop Charlie from knowing me and then losing me.”

She let go of his hands and placed hers on his face instead, palms to his cheeks. “I’m trying, but it’s not easy for me to understand.”

Fear had gnawed him at every turn, haunted him when he was away at war. That he had no one. That he’d never had anyone. Yet here he was, with a woman who had once loved him and a son who was desperate to love him, and he’d already messed it up. He might have grown up alone, but he had the chance to be someone here, to be connected to people who loved him, and it was time he swallowed his fears and tried to confront them. His own fears, his not wanting to hurt his son like he’d been hurt, had only re-created his experience as a boy.

But it was now or never.

“Ollie,” he whispered, turning his cheek into her hand.

This time when he looked up, she was biting down on her bottom lip, eyes holding his. He took his chance.

Luke pushed himself higher, still on his knees, and touched both ofhispalms to her cheeks. Took strength from the openness of her gaze as he slowly brought his lips to hers. Grazed his mouth softly against hers, paused, then deepened their kiss. Wanting to tell her so many things, but trying to show her instead. Because he’d opened up as much as he was capable tonight, and now he needed to know she at least wanted him as much as he still wanted her. Even if she wasn’t ready to say so yet, he needed a hint.

“Luke,” she murmured, her hand sliding up between them, as if she wanted to stop him but wasn’t ready to just yet.

He pulled back slowly, not wanting to push her, wanting her in his arms, against his body.

Because at least now he knew that he had a chance. He had to believe that she wouldn’t have kissed him back like that if there wasn’t stillsomethingbetween them. Wouldn’t have pushed herself against him if she hadn’t wanted him, too.

“Good night,” he whispered, trailing his fingers down her face and across her shoulders as he stood.

“You’re going to bed?” He could hear the confusion in her voice. “Now?”

“Yeah.” He chuckled as he took a step backward. “Because if I stay right here any longer, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop myself.”

Olivia flushed but didn’t tell him to stay, so he gave her one last smile and headed for the spare room.

She was his wife, and he loved her. Now he only had to hope that she was falling back in love with him, to.

8

LUKE HAD NEVER seen so many toys. Big stuffed animals, robots, Lego—every shelf was filled with an endless array of kids’ entertainment. To his credit, Charlie was behaving well, but some of the other children around them were starting to get on Luke’s nerves.

Especially because of what he’d witnessed these past couple of years. The children he’d seen beyond excited over a piece of fruit, a loaf of bread,anythingthat meant they could quell their hunger pangs. Children who had no idea what a childhood really was, not by American standards, any way, yet managed to smile at a friendly stranger. Managed to overcome their difficulties. And now he was surrounded by children with full bellies, begging their parents for the next latest and greatest toy as if their lives depended upon it.

“Luke, what do you think?”

Olivia and Charlie were inspecting something nearby.

He walked over. They were looking at a display of trains.

“Dad, this is Thomas.”

Charlie’s face was alive with happiness and Luke felt like the Grinch for not being more enthusiastic. He found it hard to make distinctions between life here and life at war sometimes, but it was something he was going to have to get his head around. He had a great kid who hadn’t been spoiled, and it was hisbirthday. Charlie deserved some great gifts.

“Dad?”

Charlie tugged on his jeans and Luke gave him his full attention. “ItisThomas” He bent down. “He’s pretty cool.”

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