Page 48 of Because of Dylan

Daddy told us that a long time ago he had a baby, but he didn’t know about it because the mommy never told him. Why did your mommy never tell my daddy he had a baby?

Was it a secret?

But then he found out all about you, and he said you’re so beautiful, and so smart.

I’m so excited. I can't wait to meet you. I want you to come over so we can talk, and I can show you my room, and my drawings, and my books. Do you like to read? I love books, but mom won’t let me read hers. She said I need to be thirty before I can read them.

Daddy said you’re studying to be a social worker. I didn’t know what that was, but he said that’s a job where you help people who are a little lost. I think that’s a very nice job. I would hate to be lost.

I’m in fifth grade and will be going to middle school in one more year. I’m a little nervous, but my mom says it will be okay because lots of my friends will be there too. Mom and Dad try to make me feel better, but they don't understand. I mean, they’re old. They don’t know what it’s like to be a kid today. Hunter started first grade this year, but I think it’s different for boys because he wasn’t nervous at all.

Did you get nervous when you started college? Can I come and visit you? I’ve never been to a college before. I think it would be fun. Maybe it will make me less nervous about middle school. Then I can say, I went to college before I went to middle school. That would be funny.

I can't wait until we meet. There's so many things I want to do with you. We can go to the mall, and we can watch movies, and we can try different clothes on, and you can teach me how to use makeup because my mom says I'm too young and she won't let me even try.

My brother, Hunter, is also very excited to have a big sister. He says he wants you to pick on me, so I know what it's like to have an older sister. But you know what? I’m so happy to have a big sister that I wouldn’t even mind if you picked on me.

Hunter can't write very well yet, so he made you a picture. He said to tell you he loves you very much and he can't wait to meet you too.

Dad says he's inviting you over for dinner and that maybe you can spend Thanksgiving with us too. Please say yes.

I can't wait to meet you. Lots of love from your little sister,

Mara

I can barely see the words through the streaming of tears on my face. I press a hand to my mouth, trying to hold in the sobs, but they escape through my pressed lips.

God, why are you doing this to me? I wipe the tears with the back of my hand to no avail. I grab the edge of my T-shirt and do a better job this time, but rogue tears continue to break free.

With trembling fingers, I look at the second sheet of paper. And now I’m crying even harder. My hands shake so much I have to lay the letter and drawing on my bed. I grab a box of tissues, take several sheets and mop the mess that’s become my face. I curb the tears and sobs, and look at the drawing again.

It's a regular piece of printer paper, but the drawing is everything I ever wanted and hoped for. There are five stick figures on the paper. To the left side of the page, the first stick figure is a tall man with light brown, honey-colored hair, his body done in navy blue. The word DAD next to it. Across the page, on the right side, another stick figure. A female, with a green dress and long brown hair. MOM is written to the right of the figure. Right in the middle, there’s a drawing of me. My hair is the same color as my father’s. My name above my head. A big smile on my face. He drew me wearing black pants and a gray shirt—the same colors I was wearing the first time I met my father. To the left of my stick figure, a little boy with yellow hair and dressed in blue, and HUNTER written next to him. And to my right, a little girl with brown hair and, in pink, the word MARA above her head.

Above the five stick figures, a rainbow, the colors in the right order. And written on top a single word. FAMILY.

I can’t hold it in anymore, the pain comes out like an avalanche, ripping apart everything in its path with me in the middle, tumbling, tumbling, and so, so cold. The pressure in my chest robs me of air. My mouth hangs open, but no sounds flee. The silent wail so very telling in this moment. Even as I break, Theodore’s voice whispers in my head.

“Quiet!”

“Shut up!”

“If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you and kill your mother.”

“No one would believe you.”

“You’re nothing. No one loves you. No one cares.”

“I know you like it, you little whore.”

I fall apart, fold into myself, make my body smaller, melt into my bed. I’ve kept his voice at bay for so long, but he finds me now. His ghost haunts me still. The pressure builds like magma inside a volcano until I crack wide open. Erupt. Let it all pour out like lava running over rocks. It scorches my heart. My shame is fire, and it’s burning me alive.

Chapter Twenty-One

I don’t knowhow long I cried before exhaustion and sleep claimed me. My room lay in shadows. There’s no light coming through the window. The sky outside is winter gray, even though winter is still a month away.

I shiver. A hot shower will make me feel better. I force my limbs to move. Everything weighs me down. I’m heavy and lethargic. A pounding headache beats against my temples. I gather a towel, bath robe, and shower supplies. Looping my keycard lanyard around my wrist, I make my way to the common showers, glad it’s on this floor and only two doors down the hall. I don’t even know what time it is. But it’s probably too early to get ready for a night out. I should have the space to myself.

Weeks ago, I would be at a party. On the prowl for someone to numb myself with. That’s no longer an option. I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t know why or how it happened. But the idea of a meaningless hookup repels me.

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