Page 32 of Because of Dylan

Therapist11:We work differently from traditional therapy. There’s more of a conversation. Everything you tell me is confidential and anonymous, of course. We do not save this conversation in any servers. But I would like to ask your permission to take some notes. Those notes are for my eyes only, and they’ll never be shared with anyone. I’ll only use them to guide me. Is that okay if I take some notes? If you are uncomfortable, I won’t.

Notes? No. No. I don’t want anyone to read any of it. But—but I need to get this weight, this burden out of my chest. Maybe. Maybe it’s what I need to do. I came this far. I need to keep pushing.

Cougar22:Okay. If no one else will see it, then that’s okay.

Therapist11:Thank you. Thank you for trusting me.

Cougar22:So, what do we do now?

Therapist11:You’re the boss. I’m here to listen, to guide, to help. But we’ll only talk about what you’re comfortable with. You don’t have to share everything right now. We can talk about something else and go back to the root of the problem when you feel safe.

I’m no longer as scared as before. The fear, the sheer panic, I felt earlier has now settled into my stomach like minor discomfort. I’m not ready to talk about the past. But I can talk about now.

Cougar22:I need to change.

Therapist11:Need or want to?

Cougar22:Need. Want. Isn’t it the same?

Therapist11:No. Not exactly. Need implies something you’re forcing yourself to do because of an external force or idea. Want implies that you are doing it for yourself. Because you want to. Not because of external pressures.

Do I need to change, or do I want to change? I close my eyes. My life choices flashing through my mind. I want to change.

Cougar22:I want to change.

A weight lifts off of my shoulders with each word I type into the screen.

Therapist11:What do you want to change?

Cougar22:Everything.

Therapist11:Why do you want to change everything?

Cougar22:I don’t much like the person I am.

Therapist11:And why is that?

God. Tears sting my eyes, and the heat returns to my face and chest. Not even the open window helps me now. My skin is cold, and yet it burns. I wipe the wetness away with my sleeve. Bite the inside of my cheek until the sting of physical pain distracts me from the hurt in my heart.

Cougar22:I’m not a good person. I lie. I lie all the time.

He doesn’t respond right away. I get a sense he’s waiting for me to go on. I watch the screen, count seconds in my mind. Make it to seventeen and give up. Start typing again.

Cougar22:No one knows the real me. I let no one in. The person they think they know doesn’t exist.

Therapist11:Who’s this person you’ve created?

Cougar22:She’s carefree, aloof, happy. She’s a party girl who doesn’t have a worry in the world.

Therapist11:And the real you?

Cougar22:She’s the opposite. I’m tired of pretending. I want to change.

Therapist11:And how do you plan on making that change?

Cougar22:I have no idea.

Therapist11:We can go back to that later. Let’s say you change. What is it you hope to find once those changes take place?

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