Page 31 of Because of Dylan

“One more time to be sure.” I flip it again.

Heads.

“Really? Last chance to change your mind, universe!”

I flip the coin, and it falls to the floor with a soft thud. The sound muted by the rug. I peer over the edge of my bed.

Heads.

“Okay, Therapist11 it is. I guess I’m talking to a dude.”

I click on the link for Therapist11, and a chat window pops up.

Welcome to your private chat room. You are being connected to Therapist11.

My first instinct is to close the laptop and shove it under my bed, but I stop myself. My heart is running a marathon inside my chest. I wipe sweat from my forehead with the back of a sleeve. I shiver even though it’s warm in my room thanks to the illegal space heater I have on the floor.

I’m safe.

I’m safe.

I’m safe.

I breathe in and out, dragging big gulps of air into my lungs until I’m dizzy. The blinking cursor in the window mocks me. Each blink a dare.

“I can do this. It’s anonymous. No one will ever know.”

My hands shake so much it takes three attempts to type two letters.

Cougar22:Hi.

The reply comes seconds later.

Therapist11:Hello, Cougar22. I’m glad you joined Safe Space. How can I help you?

Cougar22:I don’t know.

The reply is off my fingertips, and I hit Enter before I change my mind and shut the entire thing down.

Therapist11:That’s okay. Taking the first step in talking to someone is never easy. It takes courage. You can tell me as much or as little as you want.

Cougar22:I don’t even know where to start.

My throat constricts. I grab a water bottle and drink, swallowing hard.

Therapist11:You can start anywhere you want. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Stop me at any time or direct the conversation to where you need it to go. Maybe that will help?

Cougar22:Okay.

Therapist11:Have you ever seen a counselor before?

Cougar22:No, never.

Therapist11:That’s all right. I’ll tell you about how this works and we can take it from there. Is that okay?

Cougar22:Yes.

Jesus. I’m hyperventilating. Why is this so difficult? My face burns, the heat spreads down my neck and into my chest. I press the cold water bottle into my cheeks, get up, turn off the heater and open the window a few inches. The cool breeze coming in makes my skin shiver. I sit back, and he has replied.

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