Page 114 of Because of Dylan

My heart thunders in my chest to the point of pain. Everything in me rebels against the feelings pouring out of me. I squeeze my eyes shut so I can keep him from seeing the storm raging inside. I want to feel numb again. I want dull and boring and nothingness. I grew comfortable in the absence of love. I don’t know how to tame what I feel.

I understand anger. I understand bitterness and sadness. I understand revulsion and fear.

I don’t understand this.

I don’t understand what he wants to give me. And yet, I desperately want it. Need it. Hunger for it.

I hate feeling this way. Feeling like I’m at his mercy. Like I’m a little kid again, hoping for salvation.

Dylan steps closer. His fingers weave through my hair, and he nudges my chin up with a feathery touch. Our eyes meet, we’re inches apart, so close his breath fans across my face, warm and coffee scented. “Becca?”

I bite my tongue to keep from saying what’s churning in my chest. To keep from asking him to stop me from running, to keep from showing how vulnerable I feel, and how much I want him to want me, to love me, to need me.

He cradles my face, leans into me, his lips touch my forehead with a kiss so gentle it’s barely there, and yet it touches me to the very depths of my soul.

“Let me in,” he speaks against my skin. His lips brushing my temple send shivers down my spine. My entire body trembles with the need to give in and the need to run. I’m split in half. Adrenaline pools in my veins.

Fight or flight? I do neither. I freeze. I hide my emotions behind closed eyes. I dare not breathe for fear of what I might do. Of what I might say. He pulls me into his chest, his arms a welcome and warm cage around me. I’m so small inside his embrace I dread I might disappear, evaporate into thin air like I was never here, or that this hug I didn’t even know I needed is nothing but a dream or a taunting nightmare. I don’t want to want this. I don’t want to find comfort in his arms or his touch. Hope is a weakness. A chink in my armor. I cannot allow myself to give in. I can’t give him power over me.

His head drops to my shoulder, he molds himself around me, his much bigger body enclosing mine into his, like a shell around me, he envelops me. “Can you feel this?”

I don’t move, my arms ache with the need to embrace him, but I keep them at my side. I don’t speak. I don’t react. I’m frozen in a battle between agony and hope. I do nothing because I have no idea of what to do. And I don’t trust myself to make the right choice.

“Becca?” he calls my name again. But I’m empty of words.

He disengages with just enough space between us so he can see my face. I can feel his gaze burning into my skin. I open my eyes, and I’m instantly lost in his. This is a mistake. This can’t be real.

His thumbs caress my cheeks. “Say something! Tell me that what I think is happening between us is true.”

I shake my head and step away from him, his hands linger, touching the air where I once stood, and then ever so slowly, they drop to his sides.

The weight of unspoken words hangs between us, like a darting butterfly. Flitting here and there and never landing to rest its wings. That weight settles in my chest and drops to my stomach, bringing me down with it as I fall back into my parked car behind me and lock my knees so as not to slide down to the ground. Not for a moment does his gaze leave my face, reading, learning, assimilating but never judging.

Something that looks a lot like resignation and understanding washes over him. It fills his lungs as he drags a deep breath in, expanding his chest. Then, without a word, he turns and walks away.

He doesn’t see the first tear that runs down my face or the ones that follow.

Chapter Fifty

I’ve buriedmyself under blankets and shut the world out since everything happened. Has it really been a week? It almost feels like years have passed. God, I never imagined this could hurt so much.

I have dozens of texts and calls from Tommy. I shut him out too. And a voice message from Dylan that I can’t bring myself to listen to. I’m glad no one knows where I am. Lucas’ apartment is my sanctuary right now. I’m sure Tommy has gone looking for me in the dorm.

But spring break is almost over, and I’ll have to leave soon. Lucas will be back, and I don’t belong here.

The only person I communicate with is River, and even then I haven’t told her everything. But she’s coming over today to talk. I drag myself from the bed and get into the shower. Make myself look human again.

A knock on the door makes me jump even though I’m expecting it. I open the door and step back, River comes in, and my tears start before I even close the door. What’s wrong with me? How can I possibly have any more tears to cry?

River pushes the door closed and hugs me. No words are said. She holds me until I run dry again. I step back and walk to the sofa, wrap myself in a blanket.

River stands looking at me. “You look like a wiener in a blanket with just your head popping out.”

Only River could make me laugh in a time like this. “You mean a pig in a blanket?”

“Nah, wiener in a blanket is so much more fun to say than pig in a blanket.”

“Sit.” I wave at a spot next to me.

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