Page 91 of Because of Logan

River has her arm around me as we walk through the parking lot and find the car. She opens the passenger door and I get in.

I guess I’m not driving today. I know she has questions, but I don’t want to talk right now. All I want is to close my eyes and forget what happened today. Well, everything but Logan telling me he loves me. That, I’ll remember forever.

Chapter Forty-Four

Minutes ticklike hours and hours tick like years. It took another seven hours to process the scene, file reports, and clear the building.

Logan: Liam... I don’t know how you do it every day.

Logan: I died a thousand deaths today.

I desperately want to go to Skye, but I make my way home first to shower and change. I need to wash this day away, and I stay in the hot shower longer than I normally would. I’m tired, hungry, and something else I can’t identify. I dry off and dress in sweatpants and an old T-shirt, clothes I wouldn’t normally go out in, but they’re comfortable and I need that right now.

I grab my jacket and make my way to Skye. I hope she’s awake. I texted her hours ago, letting her know it would take all day to process the scene and I still had to work my full shift anyway.

The door opens before I have a chance to knock and Skye wraps herself around me. Her small body presses into mine, her cheek flat on my chest. She hugs me like she’s trying to get under my skin. I hug her back, tuck her head under my chin, one hand into her hair, the other across her back. I feel like I can breathe again. I felt uneasy for the entire day after I let her go. I had no choice in the matter. I had to go back to work. I can relax now.

That something I couldn’t identify before? I know what it is now. This is it. Skye in my arms. I missed her, but it was more than that. Having to let her go right after such a traumatic experience took a part of me away.

Today, I learned that my need to be in control and follow the rules does not guarantee safety. The illusion of safety was shattered by the shooter. Life can change in a second. All we have is this moment. Right now. I make a decision, a decision I now realize has been in the making for a while.

I can’t move forward while holding onto the past.

I have to let go of my anger. I have to let go of my need to control. I have to allow myself to trust, be open, take risks, and allow life to unfold itself. Trust it will take me where I need to go rather than try to force my way into it. And I have to forgive my parents. Not forget. But forgive. It doesn’t mean I have to comply with my father’s wishes. I can forgive him and still be me and not the person he tried to make me into.

We stay locked with each other until River comes to the door and gets our attention.

“That’s cute and all, but my skinny ass is freezing. So maybe come in and close that door?”

You can always count on River to add a good dose of reality. We walk in, and Skye tugs me to the kitchen and motions for me to sit in one of the stools by the counter.

“I cooked. And baked. I do that when I get stressed. I hope you’re hungry.”

“I’m starving, actually. Haven’t had a chance to eat anything since this morning.”

We don’t need to go into details of why I didn’t eat. But River is not letting that go. She sits next to me as Skye moves about the kitchen and grabs a plate and silverware.

“So, the bastard is dead. What now?”

“River! I told you not to ask him anything.”

“And I didn’t listen. You got lucky, Skye. You got so lucky today. And thank God I called Mom and Dad so they found out what happened from me and not the news. I can only imagine how they would’ve been if they happened to be home and with the TV on this morning.”

Skye turns, an apologetic expression on her face.

“I’m not sure I have much more to say in addition to what you’ve already seen on TV or heard from Riggins,” Logan adds.

River looks pensive.

“The university contacted me. Offered counseling. Said there will be several counselors available to anyone who wants to talk to one. I’m still processing everything that happened. Not sure what they could say that would make a difference,” Skye says.

“Talking to someone can help, Skye. Even if you don’t think you’ll get anything out of it. Sometimes, just venting, letting it all out with a stranger helps. Even more so than talking to someone you know.”

River’s voice is softer when she replies to Skye.

“I really think you should go. It can’t hurt.”

“I’ll think about it.”

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