Page 115 of Because of Logan

“I tried to imagine what it was like for you to come into my room and see what you saw. I looked at it from your point of view, and I have to say if the roles were reversed, I don’t know that I’d react any differently than you did.”

I wait to make sure he’s awake enough to understand me. He nods.

“All I have is my word as proof that nothing happened between Bruno and me. Not that night, not ever. And it never will. There’s a reason Bruno was in my bed that night. He had a fight with his b—with Sidney. They broke up, and he was upset. I didn’t want him to drive in that bad weather when he was so upset. There’s more to it, but it's not my story to tell and I made a promise I have no intention of breaking. Just like I made a promise to you, even though you don’t know it.”

His head tilts in curiosity, but he stays silent. I’m grateful for it.

“I made a silent promise to you I’d never be like the people in your family or like your ex. I’d never pressure you into being someone you’re not or doing something you don’t want to. And I intend to stick to that promise. But I can’t let things stand as they are right now. I can’t allow you to think I’d cheat on you or hurt you like that. You don’t have to believe me, and honestly? I don’t expect you to. God knows, I’d have one heck of a time believing you if I found you in bed with another woman.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. This is it. This might be the last time I have a chance to see him, talk to him. I don’t expect to run into him in our neighborhood. We lived on the same street for three years and never met. Once the spring semester begins, I’ll be so busy with classes and applications for jobs that there won’t be much free time. There will be no more surprise visits on campus and sneaking away for lunch and make-out sessions between classes.

“That’s all I have to say. I wish you well. I hope you recover fast, and I hope—”

My voice breaks, and I have to take several breaths before I can speak again. “I hope that one day, you’ll allow yourself to love again and that she’ll love you as much as I do.”

His eyes widen as my words sink in. As he understands that this is my goodbye.

“You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved for you and only you. And I wish you that.”

I suck in another breath.

“Thank you. Thank you for seeing me. I will always have this, and I’m grateful for it.”

There’sa commotion outside the door that has us both looking at it. The door opens with a bang as it smashes against the wall. And in its frame stands the ex. Amanda. Perfectly dressed, as always. I don’t need this. I was about to leave. Couldn’t I have ten more seconds, God? Is that too much to ask for?

“What is this?” Her voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

She looks outside and yells at the nurses and whoever else is around.

“Didn’t we give explicit instructions to keep her away from him?” She points at me, the ugly rock shining on her ring finger.

People scurry outside.

“Larry? Larry!”

Who the hell is Larry? Logan’s father appears at the door. Oh, I guess that’s Larry. How did I not know his father’s name?

They both walk in, and Amanda is making such a circus about my being in the room that I expect elephants and clowns to parade in at any second now.

The movie playing in my mind, combined with the stress of the last few days and the relief of seeing Logan, has the strangest effect on me, and I giggle. The giggles turn into laughs. The kind of laugh you can’t stop and takes your breath away. A door opens, and Bruno comes out of the bathroom. Was he there this whole time? This strikes me as even funnier, and the laughs grow. They all stare at me, different reactions painted on their faces. Anger on Amanda’s face, annoyance on Logan’s father’s, Bruno looks worried, and Logan... Logan looks like he’s in shock. Amanda’s screeching brings more people into the room. Two nurses stand just inside the door, and a visitor from another room spies from the hall.

Tears are streaming down my face, and my cheeks hurt from all the laughing. I lift one hand, fanning my face, place the other on my chest, and take a few deep breaths. Silence fills the room.

I cross my arms over my chest and face them, and as I do, I realize I’m no longer the same insecure and scared girl from months ago. I’m no longer the same girl who fell for Logan so hard and didn’t think she was good enough for him, or anyone else, for that matter. In that moment of hysterical laughter, when everything seemed to be falling apart around me, something else cracked. My biggest fears have all come to pass and I’m still standing. Fear of loving someone who didn’t love me. Fear of losing that love if it was ever returned. Fear of rejection. Fear of never being good enough.

Fear that kept me in the shadows because God forbid, someone actually saw me and saw all of my flaws and insecurities. But here I am. Exposed. To Logan, the man I love. Bruno, the best friend I never confessed my fears to. Logan’s father, a powerful and intimidating man. Amanda, a beautiful and confident woman and the representation of everything I can never be. And let’s not forget all these strangers. People I never saw before but who are sure judging me right now. And how much do you want to bet that, now that I’ve made a fool of myself, I’ll be running into them every other day?

All eyes are on me. I’ve always wondered how River managed all the attention she gets. What would River do in this situation? It’s so surreal. No scenario I played in my head as I decided to come here today prepared me for this. It was supposed to be a stealth operation. I was supposed to be a ninja this morning. Go in, say my piece, get out. Job done. Not quite, it appears.

Amanda sneers at me.

“Who do you think you are? How dare you come here and try to steal my fiancé?”

I roll my eyes. Is this how River feels all the time? This cool and aloof and in control?

“Please. You are not, nor have you ever been, his fiancée. He dumped your skinny cheating ass years ago. Buying yourself an ugly ring does not a fiancée make. When will you give up the farce? Don’t you have somebody else’s daddy to fuck? I saw a bunch of old men outside. I think one or twelve of them would do.”

She goes pale and then red.

---