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Only it’s not really pain. It’s guilt. Layer upon layer of guilt. Guilt that I fucked a man grieving his grandmother. Guilt that I fucked Doug when I’m supposed to be trying to win Joy back. And then another helping on the side because I can’t stop thinking about Aldo.

I take a deep breath, inhaling the humid, chlorine-soaked air, hoping it will calm me. It doesn’t. All it does is remind me that Doug smelled a little like pool water when I was holding him, and I never got to find out if he swam that morning.

I still might not know why he dislikes me so much, but I have a feeling I called his cards that day. For some reason, he doesn’t let anyone close. He’s a cactus wrapped in barbed wire. Perhaps it has something to do with the shitty family he mentioned.

One thing I do know is, I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t want to uncover the broken parts of Doug McMann and superglue them back together. I should just let him be. My plans for Franklin West aren’t long term. I took this job because of Joy. Yeah, the money was a big factor, but it came down to her in the end. My second chance. And I’m not going to waste it. Blinking, I force myself to focus on the last two races.

We win first place in the four-hundred-meter women’s medley and second place in the men’s, which means we take first place for the meet. The team is beaming as they hug and high five each other between putting their robes on and chugging water, and I watch with a satisfied smile.

My smile only grows when Aldo looks up from where he’s laughing with Parker and winks at me. It feels nice, being part of the team. Knowing that I helped craft this win. Joy’s laughter pulls my attention and I find her hugging Theia, her face bright with happiness. As if sensing me looking, she turns and smiles in a way that lights up my soul like the northern lights.

I wonder what Doug would do if he was here. Would he be laughing and celebrating with everyone else? Would he be smiling? My grin fades as I realize he’d probably be talking crap, trying to make me feel bad for something.

Taking my phone out of my pocket, I snap a photo of the scoreboard and send it to him. This time, I wait, watching as the message marks as ‘read’. But he doesn’t reply.

“Come on,” I call to the team. “Bus leaves in half an hour.”

Groaning, they start to gather their crap and head to the showers. I stand and congratulate them as they walk past, clapping shoulders and joking, until Aldo and Joy slow before me.

“Well done, Captains,” I say. “The team was nearly unstoppable today.”

Joy smiles, tugging her fingers through her damp hair. “It’s a shame Doug wasn’t here.”

“Have you heard from him?” Aldo asks.

I laugh. “Are you seriously under the impression that Doug and I text each other on the regular?”

“Shit.” He winces. “Forget I said anything.”

“Go get showered,” I say, forcing a lightness into my tone. “I’m sure people want to get back to campus and celebrate.”

They both smile as they leave, and a fresh sprinkling of guilt settles on top of the entire cake that seems to have baked in my gut. What if Doug fucked me to get back at Aldo for kissing me? He said it was because he wanted to forget, which I totally believed at the time. But what if it’s more calculated than that? What if he saw an opportunity and took it, knowing he could throw it back in my face later on? I really don’t want to think that Doug is that much of a shit, but I’m honestly not sure.

My mind is still reeling by the time the team settles on the bus. It’s only four hours back to Oregon, which is a welcome change. Although Franklin West insists we bus it to meets, when I’m sure they could probably charter us fucking helicopters, the bus is top of the range. I imagine it’s much like a tour bus musicians would use. The seats are large and spread out, and there’s a mini fridge at the front and a restroom at the back.

Most of the team heads straight to the middle section, immediately sprawling out with phones and tablets. The mood onboard is still crackling with excitement from our win and any hopes I had of napping on the way back to campus seem out of reach as my blood thrums in my veins. No one said it outright, but I know this was a test. If we’d lost, it would have directly reflected on me and my capabilities.

Exhaling, I sink back against one of the seats at the front, aware that no one wants the coach to sit with them, even if I’m barely a year older than some of them.

“This seat taken?”

I look up to find Joy smiling down at me, and my heart leaps into my throat. “Erm. No. Not at all.”

She shoves her kit bag on the overhead shelf and then collapses onto the seat beside me. I’m so surprised, I can’t speak, and I’m worried that if I open my mouth, I might say the wrong thing and she’ll leave.

Things have been okay between us since Saturday night. Just being so close to her, sharing breath, had felt like coming home. To not tilt her head and kiss her had been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to resist, but knowing that I’m starting to creep through the cracks in the walls she’s built around her heart is more than enough. Walls that are there because I’m a fucking idiot with no balls.

Aldo is the last one on the bus and his face lights up when he sees Joy. His gaze flits to me and I wait for the smile that rivals the sun to fade, but it doesn’t. Instead, he throws his kit bag up onto the opposite shelf and sits down across the aisle from us.

Still confused as to what the hell is happening, I stand and look back over the rows of seats, doing a final head count before giving the driver a thumbs up. As soon as we pull out of the parking lot, Aldo leans forward.

“Congrats, Coach,” he says, still smiling that megawatt smile. “Your first solo win.”

I grin back. “I mean. All I did was shout at you all. You guys nailed it.”

“Yeah, we did,” Joy says, bumping fists with Aldo across the aisle. “We totally need to celebrate.”

And my mood dips. “Of course. I already canceled practice tomorrow, so drink responsibly and all that stuff.”

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