Page 25 of Giving In

“I couldn’t do senior year without at least going to one, could I?”

He chuckles. “No, you couldn’t. I hope I’ll see you out more.” His eyes are tracking my body movements and I shiver. I cross my legs, trying to act confident as I straighten my spine.

“You never really struck me as a party guy,” I admit, “I mean we’ve been competing for top of the school all our lives and my life consists of school and homework. I’m starting to get really jealous that you party every weekend, make zero effort, and still are making me work for that first place.”

This time he laughs out loud, it’s deep and light at the same time. I’m brought back to the feelings I poured out on the letter I had given him when we were ten.

“I promise you, I spend a lot of time studying to keep up with you. Neither of us stand a chance anyway now that Rose is in our year.” He shrugs. “And these parties must be what keeps me in second place, I guess. I don’t even enjoy them that much. I think I’m more like you.”

“Like me?” I ask. “What does that even mean?”

“You know, staying at home with a good book”

There’s a flash of something in his eyes, it’s almost like envy. Does he envy me because I have no social life? I move my chair closer to him and put a hand on his knee. The alcohol must have made me crazy brave to go beyond the first rejection.

“Hey, you’re more than welcome to read a book at home with me anytime. It’s thrilling,” I reply with humor in my tone. My brain is somehow scared he’s going to think I’m serious. I mean, I am but I don’t want him to think I am. Please take it as a joke.

He lets out another laugh and I feel like I want to hear this sound forever. He puts his hand on mine holding his knee and squeezes gently before locking his gaze with mine. His beautiful amber eyes are so sincere compared to Jake’s deep blue ones. Jake’s are freezing and cruel. Chris’s make me want to bathe in their warmth.

“You’re so precious, Jamie,” he states. “Honestly, there are no other girls like you in our school and, I just want to say, I’m always here for you, whatever you need.”

I swallow his words and my gaze drops to our locked hands against his jeans. It’s my right hand on his right knee and I’m twisted in a way that I’m almost facing him. I place my left hand on his arm and, in a final act of courage, I lean in slowly. Before I can close my eyes and get too close to his face, Chris lifts his hand from mine and cups my cheek, stopping me in my tracks.

“Jamie,” he hesitates.

He frowns and the look in his eyes says it all.

Oh no. This is not good. Not good at all.

I can tell he’s looking for the right words not to hurt me.

Kill me. Kill me right now.

I’m about to get turned down by Chris Murray for the second time in my life.

“I’m so sorry,” he shakes his head as he talks, “I’ve completely sent the wrong signals. I– I meant I’m here for you as a friend.”

“Oh God,” are the only words that manage to pass my lips.

“Please don’t be upset. You’re an amazing girl, any guy would be solucky to have you. I– just...not me. I promise you, you don’t want that.”

“This is fourth grade all over again,” I mutter more to myself than him.

“What?” he asks surprised.

“In fourth grade, I wrote you this–”

“Letter, I know,” he cuts me off. “But this is nothing like it. In fourth grade, I was just a stupid boy who didn’t want anything to do with girls.”

“Now you don’t want anything to do with me.” Tears form in my eyes and I will them not to drop.

What is wrong with me? This shouldn’t make me cry but within seconds a single tear leaves my eye and lands on his hand cupping my cheek.This is so embarrassing.

I can see he cares and starts panicking, he fully turns to me and grabs both my cheeks in his big hands. He runs his thumb under my eye and wipes away my tear. I’m just here,helpless, a prisoner of my own emotions and speechless at my stupidity.

“No, no, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry. That’s not what I meant. I meant back then I hadn’t realized what an impressive girl you would turn out to be and I was just too blind to see it. Now it’s different, I appreciate you more than you think, Jamie. You’re smart and stunning and I’m the one who’s not for you.”

I shake my head and get out of his hold, anger boiling in my chest. “I understand you’re not interested, Chris, but don’t be that kind of guy. ‘It’s me, not you’. I know you’re trying to be sweet but I’m no charity case. I can handle a guy not liking me.”

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