Leaning down, I kiss him, softly at first, but it doesn’t take but a moment for one kiss to turn into something needy.
Now that I have control of my emotions, thanks to Torrey and Gretchen teaching me better coping techniques, maybe it really is time I start truly trying to fix what’s broken between me and Declan. . . Because the truth is, even if I don’t want to admit it, I love him and can’t picture my life without him.
He’s still the only guy I want in my present or my future.
Chapter 12 - Declan
The last few weeks blurred past me. Without football, Lena and I spend more time together than ever. Torrey and Gretchen are also a new constant. I don’t mind, though. They hang until everyone gets tired and then go back to their apartment, even though we offer to let them stay at the PTF house with us all the time. Candice and Darcy, on the other hand, aren’t as big a fans of those two.
This morning, they both pretty much used me as their complaint board because Torrey and Gretchen take up all Lena’s time, especially when she isn’t with me. If I’m studying with Justus or Jackson, or helping Coach at practice or something, she’s with Torrey and Gretchen. Candice said they literally only see her at the house for group hangouts or at soccer. Explaining to them that Lena has only had us since she moved to Lakeview and that she needs to put herself out there was harder than I expected.
They aren’t spoiling my day, though. It’s Saturday, and Lena and I told everyone we’d be unavailable all day. It’s our day. Just me and her, and we can do whatever, but the deal is we do it just us. Lena’s actually got a bit of a cold, so this morning, we’re laying in bed watching one of the baking shows she likes on Hulu. There’s just one thing bothering me.
My girlfriend is too skinny.
Right now, she’s snuggled against my side in a sports bra while I trail my fingers up and down her side— and I can literally feel each rib as my fingers move up and down her skin. I noticed a week ago, and I swear, she’s lost more weight since then. She eats, I take her to dinner all the time or cook for her, or we order in, damn near every night, so I know it isn’t that. Honestly, I’m starting to worry something is wrong like medically.
Sighing, I already know I’m about to regret what I say. “Baby?”
“Hmm?” She snuggles closer.
“When was the last time you went to the doctor’s?”
Lena props herself on her elbow and looks at me with her brows pulled together. “Last year, why?”
Taking a deep breath, I sit up, wincing as a tinge of pain hits my shoulder. I’m healed well enough, and my shoulder only hurts occasionally. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, because you know I think you’re beautiful no matter what.”
“I swear if you tell me I’m too fat, Declan, I’m going to punch you,” she snaps, showing just a hint of the hostility from the beginning of the semester.
“No, no, baby,” I say quickly. “Actually, it’s the opposite.”
She stares at me with a dumbfounded expression. “I’m not following you.”
“You’ve lost a lot of weight, Lena,” I say, reaching over to cover her hand with mine, “and I’m worried. I know you’re going to tell me it’s nothing, but baby, I was literally just laying here counting your ribs as I rubbed your side.”
What I didn’t expect when I started this conversation was for her to look hurt. But that’s the exact expression on her face, pain dancing in her eyes. “I thought you’d be happy that I was thinner, you know, like. . .”
I dip my head down to catch her eyes again. “Like what, babe?”
“Well, you know, last year . . . All those girls around Sigma Nu, that you, you know, flirted with or whatever. They were all skinny.”
The breath catches in my throat, and my chest is hit with a sharp pain. “Lena, Christ, babe, no. Most of the time, I was high or drunk out of my mind. You have always been what I want, just the way you are. Damn, Lena, when I met you, I thought you were perfect, and no matter what, I’m always going to think that.”
Lena scoffs. “Even if I’m the size of a hippo?”
“Lena,” I snap, and her head shoots up, her eyes wide with shock. “I love you. Whether you weigh what you do now or six hundred pounds, you are the only woman I want to be with. Now and when I’m a hundred years old, it’s only ever going to be you. How could you not know that?”
She bites her lip and looks down at the bed. “I know, just those girls from last year, and the stuff that was said to me at the beginning of the year, I thought maybe I’d have less to be insecure about if I looked more like the girls you seemed to be attracted to.”
Sighing, I pull Lena into my lap. “Baby, there is no one I could be more attracted to than you. Not jumping your bones every time you’re near me is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
She chuckles at that and snuggles her head against my chest under my chin, and I wrap my arms around her. For a while, we just sit in bed like this until the tension isn’t radiating through both of us. My mind wanders through everything from the last few months, and it dawns on me that Torrey and Gretchen are thin, too. Maybe Lena is just trying to look more like her new friends? Ugh, I don’t know.
“I’ll make an appointment and make sure that everything is cool, okay?”
Nodding, I hold her tighter. “Okay, baby. You are the only person that needs to be happy with how you look because I’m going to love you regardless. I just want to make sure you’re healthy, you know?”
After a while, we end up laying back down and watching more television. I’m dozing off when my phone beeps and vibrates from the nightstand. Ignoring it, I keep my eyes closed and focus on Lena’s steady breathing next to me. But it goes off a second time . . . And then a third.