Page 20 of #Beautiful

Walking over, I sit next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. She leans her head into me and sniffles. Kissing the top of her head, we sit like that, without talking, until she’s ready to go.

I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know that no matter what, I can love her through it. I can love Lena through anything.

Chapter 17 - Lena

It’s been a week since my trip to the hospital, and between my dad, Declan’s parents, our friends, and Declan— I’m overwhelmed.

I’ve still purged this week; I can’t help it. It makes me physically sick when I eat, and I don’t know if that’s psychological or if my body is just used to me throwing up everything I put down. Declan has caught me almost every time, and he doesn’t get angry. He just keeps reminding me that all the help we’ve set up is starting soon and that I’m going to get better. I don’t feel like I’m going to, though. Everything feels more out of control and chaotic than it did before I started the structured purging and stuff.

Tomorrow is my first day of the new routine that includes all my new treatments. Dad got me set up with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders about twenty minutes from campus. I’ll see her three times a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the evening after classes are done. Mrs. Harp found a local support group that has afternoon meetings so the two hours I have between classes will be filled twice a week with that. There’s also a Saturday support group in the morning that Declan signed us up for that not only teaches you how to cope with an eating disorder, but how to change your eating habits to be healthy so that you don’t go from one extreme to the next.

In the back of my mind, I can’t help but think I’m going to get sick of all the therapy sooner rather than later. Today is Sunday, though, and after a week of non-stop talking about my eating disorder and scheduling things and talking to doctors and all that crap— I requested to be left the hell alone. I’m not trying to be mean, but my dad and Declan’s parents left to go home this morning, I had a four hour call with my grandparents yesterday about this stuff, and I just want one day to sit and do nothing, and not talk about any of this.

I’m going to do enough talking with all the therapists and support groups, and I just want one day, just one, to sit around without all this crap.

Knock. Knock.

Huffing, I roll my eyes but don’t move from my bed. Apparently, the sign on my door telling everyone I want to be alone doesn’t deter whoever is on the other side. “Come in.”

The door opens slowly, and Declan pokes his head in. “Hey, I know you don’t want to be bothered, but I wanted to tell you something real quick, and then I will go away.”

“Babe.” I sigh as I sit up and pat the bed next to me. “I don’t mind you being here, as long as we don’t talk about the serious stuff. Just for today.”

He steps into my room and closes the door behind him. “Well, this is the only two serious things I have to say, and then I promise, no more today. One, I just got a call from the Dean about the complaint I filed. Jackie is being suspended from school for the remainder of this semester as well as next semester, and the sexual harassment complaint apparently stays on your school record.”

My jaw drops a little. When Declan told me at the hospital that he was going to the Dean about the text Jackie sent him, I didn’t think he was serious. And I certainly didn’t think she’d actually get in trouble for it. “I bet she’s pissed.”

Declan shrugs. “I don’t care. The second thing is that I love you. Just wanted to tell you that.”

Getting up, I walk right to him and push onto my toes as I reach up and grab him, pulling his lips to mine. They way Declan has randomly told me or shown me how much he stills loves me this past week as been odd, but in a good way. Flowers, trying to make my favorite dinners, oh, and he even planned a whole movie night here at the house with our friends the other night that was nothing but my top five favorite movies. It was sweet, and also nice to be with everyone again without any secrets between us all. I hadn’t realized how heavy lying to everyone was until I wasn’t doing it anymore.

I do feel bad, though, because Candice is standoffish with me now, and I know it’s because she’s upset and hurt that I shut her out and went to such an extreme. Eventually, I’m hoping we can fix things, maybe when my head is in a better place, and I can figure out how I ended up so deep down the rabbit hole I’m currently in. For now, though, when I bring it up to Declan he tells me to focus on myself and getting better, and that our friends will be there to work things out with when I’m able to. I know he’s right, but I really hate my best friend being mad at me.

Declan puts one arm around my back, pressing my body closer to his, and the other comes up to hold the side of my head as he kisses me. It’s the first time in the last week he’s touched me and I couldn’t literally feel the tension radiating off him. We haven’t been very affectionate to each other since everything with Sigma Nu happened last year, so this right here almost feels new. I can’t help but pant as I try to breathe when he moves from my mouth to my jaw and down to my neck, his fingers tightening in my hair.

I push my shoulder up to guide his lips back to mine, and he lets go of my hair to bring his hands down and lift me by my butt. My legs go around him, and he walks backward, lays me on the bed, and continues to kiss me as he positions himself between my legs. He trails kisses down my neck again, and as soon as I whisper his name, he stops and sighs. Resting his arms on either side of my head, he leans down and kisses me softly again before pushing back to stare at my face.

“Can I tell you something?” I say quietly, reaching up to hold either side of his face gently in my hands.

“Of course,” he says, leaning down to briefly kiss me again.

“I didn’t think you still wanted me like this anymore,” I say, trying to keep my eyes on him as embarrassment makes my face heat.

His eyes soften as he lets out a steady breath. “Lena, just because I’m not trying to jump your bones every day doesn’t mean how much I want you has changed. Honestly, if you told me that making love to you would fix this, I’d throw our agreement to wait right out the window because you are literally all that matters to me. Your happiness, your health, your everything. I want to marry you, spend the rest of my life making sure that you have all those things in whatever abundance you need them. So, yes, I still want you just as much as I did the day I met you. That isn’t ever going to change.”

The tears sting my eyes as I nod and lean up to kiss him again.

Chapter 18 - Declan

The last two weeks, I’ve only left Lena’s side while we have class. I’m at every support meeting, every therapy session, even if I can’t go in with her. I’ve slept in her room at the house, made sure she eats like the doctors said she needed to. I’m surprised she’s not sick of looking at my face at this point. I haven’t caught her purging in the last two weeks. That’s not to say she hasn’t. I mean, I’ve been with her a lot, but not every second, and I don’t stalk her into the bathroom— even though part of me thinks I should.

We’re finishing up her support meeting right now, and since it’s Saturday and we don’t have class or anything, I’m taking her to see the Christmas display they just put up in the square near campus. We only have a week left before the end of the semester, and we’ll be spending Christmas and New Years at my parents before coming back for the spring semester. Between Lena’s illness and not being able to play football this year, I’m kinda ready to go back to something familiar. I’m also planning on getting my dad’s help with Lena’s Christmas present.

And praying that she says yes to it.

At the moment, though, I’m standing off the the side of the room by the door while Lena is talking to the therapist that leads the support group. Sheryl is a nice woman and has a unique insight. She’s not only a psychologist, but she shared on Lena’s first day that she struggled with an eating disorder while getting her degree. I think she’s really making an impact on Lena because she isn’t just some doctor yapping in her face. She’s someone who was in Lena’s shoes at one point and can understand how Lena feels and thinks.

“She looks a hundred times better.”

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