Page 1 of #Beautiful

Prologue

Lena

The decision to spend my summer in Decleburg instead of Lakeview wasn’t easy.

But after freshman year at college, I needed a break— from the West Coast, from college, from my friends, and from Declan. It’s not like I didn’t text everyone all the time. Declan spent a week with Dad and me on the ranch. Candice and Jackson visited, too. They all made me promise that the last two weeks of summer vacation, I’d come back and spend it with them in Lakeview, though.

So that’s why I’m sitting on a beach alone at six in the morning on a Tuesday. My plane landed Sunday afternoon, and my grandparents picked me up instead of Declan. Last year almost destroyed both of us, literally and metaphorically. That’s part of the reason I needed this summer to myself. I just needed time to get my head back on straight.

I’m not angry at Declan anymore. For most of last year, I was until the truth about that godawful fraternity came out. Sitting in the courtroom as Declan testified against Bo and his followers at Sigma Nu is the proudest I think I’ve ever been of him. After all that, he’s finding his way and, thankfully, back to spending time with those that matter. We’re both returning to Phi Theta this year, but as much as Declan begged, I told him that while we may live in the same house, we need different rooms.

Sandra called me a few days ago to offer me a single in the house on the fourth floor. I accepted. Darcy and Candice are sharing a room on the first floor. Jackson and Declan are together on the second floor, and Sandra and Justus also have singles on the same floor as me. I’m thankful for both of them, especially this summer. I can’t explain it, but talking to Sandra and Justus about the aftermath of Sigma Nu was easier than trying to talk to Jackson and Candice, or even Declan, about it.

The three of them spent the summer trying to forget all the bad stuff that happened last year, but I can’t. I pretend like it’s all fine when I’m around them, but it’s like a virus— in my veins, poisoning everything. Darcy is the only other person from our original group from home who isn’t acting like this was a bad dream. As Declan’s twin, I don’t think she wants to let him forget. After the trial and Bo’s sentencing, he told us that he wanted life to go back to normal. Darcy laughed in his face and told him he was stupid if he thought everything could just go back to being all happy, hunky, doory.

Now that we’re a few months into the after, I agree.

The things Declan put me through while pledging Sigma Nu . . . I forgive him, but I don’t think I can forget them. I still have the texts he sent those nights he was drunk and high, the picture Bo sent me of him and that girl . . . it’s actually saved on my cell phone in an album labeled “Don’t Forget.”

And I know that’s a jerk thing to do. A lot of people might say that since I forgave Declan, I need to delete everything and move on. But they’re my reminder that even the best people can fall to peer pressure. They’re my reminder to never make the same mistake because I’m not as strong as Declan and never will be. If someone like him can be dragged down into the pits of Hell like he was last year, what would happen to someone like me?

So, no, I can’t forget. I have to stay in control of myself at all times, in all things. There’s no room for me to do what Declan did because it would break me.

I’ve never had control of my life. The school shooting I couldn’t stop . . . Declan’s spiral I couldn’t stop . . . I couldn’t stop my mom from disappearing when I was little. Literally, all the things that threaten to ruin my life are things I’ve never had control over. So this year is going to be different.

This year, I’ll be in control at all times. I’ll get myself through the year, keep my grades up, make my family proud, and hopefully do well at soccer again.

This year is my year. No one else’s. Not Declan’s, not Darcy’s, not Candice’s, or Jackson’s. I’m putting myself and what’s best for me first for once in my life.

So, I hope they’re all ready for it because I refuse to be a pushover this year, and I refuse to ignore my gut or any red flags that get thrown my way.

Chapter 1

Lena

Ugh. There’s nothing more disgusting than the acidic aftertaste of vomit.

Flopping back on my butt in my bathroom at the Phi Theta Forever house, I grab the damp hand towel I set next to the toilet before this morning’s purge. I know this isn’t healthy, and it’s not something I do all the time. But since everything last year, my self-esteem isn’t the best, and this makes me feel better. It gives me a sense of control when I’m overly stressed and feel like I don’t have control over anything. This morning isn’t about control and more about coping with the coming stress.

Declan and I were supposed to drive up to campus together this morning and get settled before starting classes on Monday. However, I decided to drive up on my own last night and took the evening to just breathe and be alone in my new room instead. Sandra and Justus were already here, so we had dinner together— Justus cooked out on the new grill he got for the house. Declan texted me this morning asking what time I’d be ready to go, and I let him know I was already here.

To say he is angry is an understatement.

I swear I’m not trying to make him mad on purpose. I just . . . I haven’t felt like myself since last semester. We’ve tried to fix things, and I’ve tried to get past stuff and go back to how things were before he pledged Sigma Nu. I’m trying every day— it’s just easier said than done.

A knock at my bedroom door has me scrambling off the floor and flushing the toilet before hustling to answer it, expecting Declan to be on the other side, ready to argue. Instead, I’m brought up short as I swing the door open to Sandra, holding out a cup of coffee.

“This is a peace offering,” she says as I move to the side so she can step into my room while I take the coffee from her, “because Declan is downstairs with Candice and Jackson, reading Justus the riot act over us not telling him you showed up last night.”

Rolling my eyes, I quietly shut my door. “Well, he’s my boyfriend, not my parent, and I’m old enough to drive myself to college if I want to.”

Sandra sits on my new king-sized bed and pulls her feet up to sit criss-cross at the bottom. “I know. But I also know it’s not like you to leave somewhere when you have plans, so I understand him being upset. But, before I came up here, I reminded Declan that we are your friends, too, and that we aren’t going to report your actions to him just because y’all are dating.”

Sitting down on the bed next to Sandra, I sip the coffee. “I was actually expecting it to be him knocking to argue.”

Sandra reaches out and sets her hand on my knee. “Lena, I know things haven’t been the same for you since last semester. You know I’m here if you need to talk, right? Anything you say to me stays between you and I. Always.”

“I know,” I say with a small smile, “and I appreciate it. I think I just need more time to get through everything. I know Declan’s sorry, and he’s done a lot to make up for everything. He’s planning to keep attending the meetings again this semester now that we’re back on campus. I’m just still in my head about some stuff, and I need to work it out on my own.”

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