Page 87 of Kiss an Angel

“Oh, Alex . . .”

“It’s not as though I haven’t tried. I’ve met some wonderful women in my life, but in the end, all I’ve done is hurt them. That’s why I’ve been so concerned about your birth control pills. Because I can’t ever have a child.”

“You don’t believe any relationship you have with a woman will last? Is that it?”

“I know it won’t last. But it goes deeper than that.”

“I don’t understand. Is there something wrong with you?”

“Haven’t you been listening?”

“Yes, but . . .”

“I can’t feel the emotions other men feel. Not for anyone. Not even for a child. Every kid deserves to be loved by their father, but I can’t do that.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Believe it! I know myself, and this isn’t some quirk on my part. A lot of people take the business of having children lightly, but I don’t. Kids need love, and if they don’t get it, something damaging happens to them inside. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d done that to a child.”

“Everybody’s capable of love, certainly of loving their own child. You’re making yourself sound like some kind of . . . of monster.”

“Mutation might be a better word. My upbringing changed me from the norm. I can’t tolerate the idea that I could have a child who’d grow up knowing his own father didn’t love him. The abuse starts and ends with me.”

The night was still warm, but she shivered as she realized that the ugly legacy of Alex’s violent past had never left him. It had also spilled over to hurt her, and she wrapped her arms around herself. She had never consciously imagined them having a child together, but maybe the idea had wormed its way into her subconscious, because now she felt bereft.

She gazed over at him and saw his profile outlined against the spinning carousel in the distance. The juxtaposition filled her with pity. The brightly painted horses with their wooden manes seemed to be everything innocent, carefree, and childlike, while Alex with his brooding eyes and empty heart was one of the damned. All this time she had thought she was the needy one, but he was far more wounded than she had ever been.

They didn’t talk while they walked back to the trailer because there was nothing she could say. Tater had gotten loose again and stood in wait for her. He trotted up, giving a trumpety little bleat of welcome.

“I’ll take him back,” Alex said.

“It’s all right. I’ll do it. I need to be alone for a while.”

He nodded and rubbed his thumb across her cheek, his eyes so bleak she couldn’t bear it. She turned away to stroke Tater’s trunk. “Come on, sweetheart.”

She led him over to the other babies and tethered him, then picked up an old woolen blanket to spread on the ground next to him. As she sat down on it and hugged her knees, Tater shifted his position. For a moment she thought he was going to step on her and she tensed, but instead, he settled his front legs on either side of her and dropped his trunk.

She was in a warm elephant cave. She pressed her cheek to his scratchy, gunnysack body just between his legs and heard the strong thud of his sweet, mischievous heart. She knew she should move, but even though she was resting beneath a ton of baby elephant, she had never felt safer. As she sat there, she thought of Alex and wished he were small enough to fit where she was, right beneath Tater’s heart.

15

Alex was asleep by the time Daisy returned to the trailer. She undressed as quietly as she could, then slipped into one of his T-shirts. As she began to make her way to the couch, she heard a husky whisper.

“Not tonight, Daisy. I need you.”

She turned and gazed down into half-lidded eyes dark with desire. His hair was tousled, and the golden icon around his neck glittered in a shaft of moonlight that pierced the back window. Her mind still echoed with the memory of Tater’s heartbeat thumping out its steady message of unconditional love, and nothing on earth could have made her turn away from him.

This time there were no smiles. No teasing. He possessed her fiercely, almost desperately, and when it was over, he curled his body around hers and didn’t let her go. They fell asleep with his palm cupping her breast.

She didn’t return to the couch the next night or the one after that. She stayed in her husband’s bed and found her heart filling with an emotion she was very much afraid to name.

A week later, they reached central New Jersey, where they set up in another school yard, this one located in the middle of a suburban neighborhood containing comfortable two-story tract homes with swing sets in the backyards and mini-vans parked in the drives. On her way to the menagerie where Tater was tethered, Daisy stopped by the red wagon to make more changes in the feed order, and as she entered, she saw Jack going through several files.

He gave her a brief nod. She nodded back, then went over to the desk to locate, the papers she needed. The cellular phone rang, and she answered it. “Quest Brothers Circus.”

“I’m looking for Dr. Markov,” a man with a slight British accent responded. “Is he available?”

She sagged down on the chair. “Who?”

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