Page 141 of Kiss an Angel

“I never said that.”

“Then name something that’s wrong with you.”

“I can’t fly like I used to.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about something inside you that’s not as good as it should be. Everybody has things like that.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me, and I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He shook his head sadly. “I know you don’t, babe. And until you figure it out, there’s not much hope for us.”

He let her go, but before he made it all the way to the door, she started yelling. “You don’t know anything! Just because I’m tough doesn’t mean I’m not a good person. I am, damn it! I’m a good person!”

“You’re also a snob,” he said, turning back. “Most of the time you don’t think about anybody’s feelings but your own. You hurt other people. You’re obsessed with the past, and you’re the most stuck-up person I ever knew.”

For a moment she stood there stunned, but then she started to scream. “Liar! I’m a good person! I am!”

“Keep saying it, babe, and maybe one day you’ll believe it.”

Her cry of fury sent a chill down his spine. He knew she’d fight back, and he managed to make it out the door before the plate of tacos came crashing into it.

As Daisy roamed the lot that night, she found herself wishing she were still performing with Alex. At least it would have kept her busy. When he’d announced that she wasn’t going back into the ring with him, she’d felt neither relief nor disappointment. It simply made no difference. In the past six weeks she’d discovered a pain far more hurtful than any that could be inflicted by the whip.

She watched the crowd file out of the top. Weary children clung to their mother’s sides and fathers carried tired toddlers with candy-apple stains around their mouths. Not so long ago, the sight of those fathers had made her eyes fill with sentimental tears as she’d imagined Alex carrying their child. Now her eyes were dry. Along with everything else, she had lost the ability to cry.

Since the circus wasn’t moving on that night, the workers were free for the evening, and they set off for town in search of food and liquor. The lot fell quiet. While Alex tended Misha, she slipped into one of his old sweatshirts, then made her way through the sleeping elephants until she reached Tater. Kneeling down, she tucked herself between his front legs and let the baby elephant plop the end of his trunk on her knee.

She buried herself deeper in Alex’s sweatshirt. The soft fleece carried his scent, that particular combination of soap, sun, and leather that she would have recognized anywhere. Was everything she loved going to be taken from her?

She heard the sound of quiet footsteps. Tater shifted his rear quarters and a pair of denim-clad legs appeared that she had no difficulty recognizing.

Alex crouched down next to her and propped his elbows on his splayed knees, hands dangling between. He looked so tired that, for a fraction of a second, she wanted to comfort him. “Please come out of there,” he whispered. “I need you so badly.”

She rested her cheek against Tater’s wrinkly gunnysack let. “I think I’ll stay here a while longer.”

His shoulders sagged, and he poked his finger in the dirt. “My house . . . it’s big. There’s a guest room on the south side that looks out on an old orchard.”

She released her breath in a soft sigh. “It’

s chilly tonight. Fall’s coming.”

“I thought we could maybe make it into a nursery. It’s a nice room. Sunny, with a big window. Maybe we could put a rocking chair there.”

“I’ve always liked the fall.”

The animals shifted, and one of them snorted quietly in its sleep. Tater lifted his trunk from her knee and draped it on her husband’s shoulder. The softness in Alex’s voice didn’t hide its bitterness. “You’re not ever going to forgive me are you?”

She said nothing.

“I love you, Daisy. I love you so much I hurt.”

She heard his suffering, saw the vulnerability in his face, and even though she knew it came from guilt, she had endured too much pain herself to find any pleasure in inflicting it on another, especially one who still meant so much to her. She spoke as gently as she could. “You don’t know how to love, Alex.”

“That might have been true once, but not anymore.”

Maybe it was the comfort she received from sitting beneath Tater’s heart or maybe it was Alex’s pain, but she could feel the icy barrier inside her beginning to crack. Despite everything, she still loved him. She’d lied to him and to herself when she’d said she didn’t. He was the mate of her soul, and he would own her heart forever. With that realization came a deeper and more bitter knowledge. If she ever again let herself fall victim to the love she had for him, it might very well destroy her, and for the baby’s sake, she couldn’t let that happen.

“Don’t you see? What you’re feeling is guilt, not love.”

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