Page 86 of Idle

Iread Paige’s text for the millionth time. The ache of seeing her name settles low in my stomach. I have no intention of replying, but seeing her heart poured out about a new project gives me a sense of joy. For her, not for me. Never for me. I’ll never take her up on her offer, never pick up another hammer. My whittling block and knife are as close to carpentry as I’ll ever get again. The network proved my pipe dream belongs in the sewer, and that’s where it’s going to stay.

My new boss, Louis, stops by my desk, and I shove my phone into the drawer—my promotion came through last month. “Hey, Jesse. How are you settling into your new role? Getting a handle on everything?”

I tap my computer. “Been working up a spreadsheet so I can capture all the moving parts. It’s a lot to wrap my head around, but I’m getting there.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Sounds good. Let me know if you need anything. We’re all excited to have you onboard.”

“Thanks.”

He leaves and the bottom falls out of my stomach. I’ve thrown myself into my job ever sinceNYC Viewswrapped. If I’m too tired and overworked, I can’t look back. The ping of a text comes in and I pull my cell out of the drawer, dreading who it could be. Well, only dreading one person it might be.

Opening the messages, I’m relieved when Xander’s name pops up as the culprit. Him, I can handle. He asks if I want to play racquetball after work. Letting off steam sounds good to me, so I reply with a heartfelt yes.

A few hours later, I’m in my workout gear and whacking a ball against the wall. It whizzes by Xander for the third time in a row and he signals he wants to take a break. Nodding, I join him by the water station.

“You’re playing like the devil’s on your shoulder.” He slurps down a cup of water.

“More like two,” I mumble. “Or twenty.”

He slings back another cup. “What’s up?”

“Trying to settle into my promotion. Need to get my head around the department.” I crumple my cup and toss it into the bin.

“I have faith in you.” He slaps my back, then takes a third cup of water.

Grabbing a towel, I wipe the sweat off my forehead. I’d rather get back to the game when I don’t have the ability to think of anything outside of hitting the ball.

“That was half-hearted.”Busted.“Isn’t this the promotion you’ve been working toward? You’re an executive director now, right?”

“You got it—excellent memory.” I lower my shoulders. I try to ignore the long stretch of my career ahead.

He bounces the ball on the head of his racquet. “I watched the finale with Paige.”

“I didn’t bother. We lost.”

“You did good, man. You’re crazy talented. No way would I have even tried to carve a frickin’ headboard, and you did it.” His blue eyes leave the bouncing ball. “Good on you.”

Fat lot of good it did me. It wasn’t good enough to win.Iwasn’t good enough. I shrug. “Well, that’s all behind me now. Got it out of my system.” This has to be the biggest lie I’ve ever told.

Xander’s eyebrow quirks up. “Really?”

“It was a stupid fantasy. Nothing more.” A fantasy I built up in my head for years and finally got the guts to pursue. Failed. It’s over now.

“How long have we known each other?”

I consider his unusual question for a moment. “Since business school. That’s what? Eight, nine years ago.”

“Sounds about right.” Xander captures the ball in his hand and bounces it on the floor. “We’ve been through some crazy shit in classes, right?”

I remember some of the onerous projects we were assigned. I chuckle, which sounds a bit raspy to my ears. “Very true.”

“We’ve also had some amazing times together. Mainly involving drinking and hanging out.” His eyebrows wiggle. “And women.”

Where is he going with this? “Also true.”

“Guess what I saw when I watched your show?” Without notice, he tosses me the ball. My reflexes take over, and I catch it. When I don’t respond, he says, “I saw a man I’ve never seen before. A man who was happy. Doing something he loved. Fighting for his concepts. Secure in his knowledge and skill.”

My hand clenches around the ball. “Doesn’t matter.”

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