Page 52 of Nuclear Option (Owens Protective Services)

“Then tell me something that’s not off limits.”

“From the military?”

“Mm-hmm,” she hummed sleepily. I leaned over, watching as her eyes started that slow blink. It wouldn’t be too much longer before she was out. I slid my hand up her calf, then squirted more lotion into my hand and started rubbing it in as I thought about what I could tell her.

“Well, you know I was a sniper.”

“What’s that like?”

“That’s a loaded question,” I muttered. “It’s…the greatest thing in the world, and the hardest at the same time.”

“How?”

“Well…the idea that you can take out someone that might do great damage to others, that would possibly kill your entire unit…it’s a feeling unlike anything else in this world. I had Sally with me at all times—”

“Who’s Sally?” she mumbled.

“My rifle.”

“You named your rifle?”

I smirked at her, wondering what she would think when she found out about Betty. “It was a thing.”

“So, you always had her with you?”

I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. It was hard to describe something so fundamental to who I was without making her think I was a psychopath. “It’s not just about the kill. It’s also the drive to be the best, to know that I could perform a job better than anyone else. Because if you don’t have that drive, you get sloppy. People die and suddenly, that very thing that gives you the ability to take lives, could also cost you lives. I was both a savior and an angel of death.”

“She said something about getting a bullet,” she mumbled.

I glanced down at the bullet hanging from my neck. I squeezed it in my hand, remembering the day I took it. I wasn’t sure I was ready to share this side with her. It was a lot to take, possibly too much for her to handle. But it was better she knew who I was now so we could figure out how to deal with it.

“I had to get it,” I said quietly, continuing to run my hands up and down her legs. “If I hadn’t, it’s like that bullet would still be out there waiting for me.” She didn’t say anything, so I continued. “I know what you’re thinking. If I killed the man that I took it from, how could the bullet still be out there waiting for me? I guess, the only easy way to answer that is that it’s a superstition. It’s sort of like giving mercy to a bad guy. You think the guy might change now that he’s almost been killed, but the moment you let him go, he’ll run off and find someone else to kill you. So, I guess you could say I was taking away the ability for that bullet, the one that had my name on it, to have the chance to ever get me again.”

She stayed quiet, and that really worried me. I wasn’t one to spill my guts out to anyone, but I did it for her, because I was pretty sure this woman could be my downfall.

“I know Rae was telling you about relationships, about how hard they can be. See, when you’re in the military, everything is about staying alive. You rely on the men and women around you. You put your faith in them and trust that they’ll have your back no matter what. That’s where it all went wrong with Jones.”

I gritted my teeth, shifting to the other foot. I got lost in the strokes of massaging her, and just let it all pour out.

“I remember that day like it just happened. He was dying, and he was in so much pain. I had nothing to give him to ease his suffering. He couldn’t bring himself to do the job, so he handed me the gun, and he pleaded with me to just do it.” I sighed heavily, my motions stopping as I remembered that moment in time. “I’m a strong guy, and I’m committed to the job, but that was one thing I couldn’t do. It felt so wrong. I kept him alive, crying as we sat out there in the desert all alone waiting on the medevac. And I hated myself that I couldn’t pull the trigger and put him out of his misery. I knew he would either die a slow death or he’d lose his leg. Yet, I still kept telling him to fight. The kicker of it is, if I was in his position, I would have wanted the same damn thing. For guys like us, you want to go out with some sense of dignity. Everyone talks about how you die fighting, and that’s true to some extent. But in his case, I was literally watching everything in him wither away. I saw my soul shrivel up and die that day, knowing I was making his death harder than it had to be. It doesn’t matter now how things turned out for him. I took away the one thing he wanted, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

She still didn’t say anything, so I sighed and leaned back. “And here I am, spilling my guts to you, hoping that you don’t think I’m a huge piece of shit.”

A heavy snore tore through the quiet. I leaned forward and looked at her. She was out cold. I leaned back on my heels with a laugh. It was probably better this way. She didn’t really need to know all that shit.

“I guess I didn’t spill anything to you.”

18

EVA

I was sogroggy when I woke up. I hated taking pain pills, but I had to admit, I felt better now that I finally got some rest. As my eyes fluttered open, the bright sky signaled how late in the day it was. I was on my back and my arm was propped up on a pillow, and the blankets were tucked all around me. I smiled, knowing it was Cash that had taken care of me.

Frowning, I tried to remember what happened last night, but all I could remember was him telling me to lay down for a massage. The door swung in and Cash walked in with a tray of food. Except, it wasn’t a normal tray. It was more like a piece of wood that he was using as a tray. I shuffled to sit up, grinning at him as he brought me the food.

“What’s this?”

“I wanted you to sleep in, but you’re taking things a little far. It’s already one o’clock.”

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