Page 42 of Whenever You Call

Logan: There are many reasons, Hannah. None of them have anything to do with who you are or what you’re going through.

Me: Shame.

I hit the send button and watched in utter horror as the message delivered.

Shame?

Why the hell had I sent that?

My toes curled, and my skin prickled at the embarrassment. I tried to think of a suitable add-on I could send—something that would let him know I’d been playing around. I didn’t wantthatfrom him. This was all happening too soon, and I had no control. My emotions were tethered threads, too strung out and messy to make sense anymore, even to me.

Instead, I stared at my cell, willing Logan to respond.

Shame.

I reached for my wineglass and drained it, enjoying the temporary burn in my throat that distracted me from the stupid mistake I’d just made. It only lasted a second before my phone alerted me to another message.

Logan: There isn’t a man on the planet who wouldn’t want you… but I’m not the right guy for you or that.

I wanted the entire world to swallow me whole right there and then.

Me: That?

Logan: Whatever it is you feel you need right now.

Me: I have no idea what I need right now.

Logan: I wouldn’t expect you to.

Me: Does it get easier?

Logan: Which bit?

Me: The constant guilt of being alive while he’s not? The feeling that I could have and should have done more to get him the help he needed? Even more guilt for wanting to move on? For being so confused over every little thing, day in, day out?

Logan: No. Probably not.

Logan: But you will learn to live with it, and one day, you’ll have your answers to those questions. You don’t need mine or anyone else’s. Everyone does it differently. There’s no right or wrong, Hannah. There’s just what makes you feel better.

Me: Right now, that’s you.

I closed my eyes to imagine Logan’s reactions to my messages. I could call him to explain that it was probably the wine giving me the courage to speak to him this way, and perhaps I’d wake tomorrow full of regret, but at that moment, I meant everything I sent. Whether that stayed the same in the morning, who knew?

Logan: What if I’m not the hero you want or need me to be?

Me: What if I’m not the nice girl you think I am, either?

Logan: I find that hard to believe.

Me: I guess only time will tell.

Logan: Get some sleep, Hannah. I’ll call you soon.

Me: Does that mean you’re keeping my number?

Logan: Would it make you happy?

Me: Yes.

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