Page 88 of Whenever You Call

“I’m explaining it tomyself. I’m twenty-nine. My husband died months ago, and I’ve yet to process how I feel about any of it. Should I grieve? Should I feel relief? Can I admit to feeling both without the world thinking I’m a massive bitch for doing so? What’s right? What’s wrong?” I paused, swallowing down the emotion that lodged itself in my throat. “It’s time to figure out what’s real in my life and what’s not, and it’s time for me to do it on my own.”

“You don’t want me to come with you?”

“I’d love you to, but I think it’s best if I go without you. It’ll be nice to spend some time off the beaten track with Bella. To focus on her and nobody else.”

I saw every doubt written across her face, but she kept them to herself just for me, offering a small nod of acceptance instead. Livia didn’t like the idea of me traveling across the country on my own because she’d always been there beside me when things went wrong. I’d had her to lean on for everything, too.

But now… now I need to strengthen my own legs.

To shoulder my own mistakes, pain, and problems. It wasn’t anyone else’s job, and I’d be damned if I let other people live my life for me from now on.

No matter their intentions.

No matter how their kisses made me feel or how often I fell asleep seeing dark eyes full of regret and welcoming arms that begged me to run into them again.

Chapter34

HANNAH

Bella and I landed in Seattle a week later.

The media wars continued on around me. There was no real escape. Every day brought about a new angle to look at the sudden Hannah-Cole-Malia love triangle I’d been caught up in.

Malia; the name of the woman carrying my dead husband’s baby, apparently. I couldn’t bear to hear it, and every day that Bella had been in school, I could only hope and pray that she didn’t hear anything about it, either. I suspected that it had been the reason her school was so lenient when I’d told them I planned on taking her away.

They’d seen the news. They understood my need to run.

Thankfully, Bella had no idea why we were taking an unexpected vacation. Her innocent eyes had lit up the night sky when I’d told her to pack a bag of her favorite things because we were heading on an adventure. The way she’d thrown her arms around my neck and squeezed me tightly made me wonder if she’d been wanting this for a long time, too.

When she asked if Logan could join us, I allowed myself to imagine it for just a second—the three of us together, escaping this life to discover something new for a short while—but then I remembered everything that had gone on between us, and the pain of his betrayal stung even harsher than before. Bella liked him. Having to tell her that he couldn’t join this special adventure of ours shouldn’t have made me feel as bad as it did.

My need to stay low and off the radar had me booking us into a motel off the beaten track in the town of Bainbridge Island, only a forty-minute drive to Seattle, where we would eventually end up. I wanted Bella to experience different horizons. To feel different climates and understand that, while Los Angeles might be what we knew, it wasn’t the whole world anymore. At least not to us.

Out motel in Bainbridge Island had two bedrooms and a shared bathroom, the building more like a log cabin you’d find in the middle of a forest, empty and ready to explore. Bella jumped on her bed with so much enthusiasm, I was nervous she’d break a spring, but then she fell onto her back with her arms and legs spread out like a starfish while I watched her from the doorway, leaning against the doorframe with a smile on my face.

For the first time in a long time, I looked at her as something other than my daughter.

She was a small person in her own right. Bella was light and life, magic and sunshine. Every room she walked into, she lit up like she was the North Star, and she wasn’t prepared to make any apologies for it.

“What’s your bed like, Mommy?” she asked, her head tilted on the bed so she could see me.

“It’s not as bouncy as yours, but there’s room in there for the two of us if you get lonely later and want a cuddle.”

“Never!” She threw her arms up above her head and brought her legs in and out like she was making a snow angel. “This is my new favorite place, and I’m going to stay here forever and ever.”

Despite her enthusiasm, later that night, once the fatigue kicked in and the sky had turned dark, her small body slipped under my comforter, and her tiny body snuggled in beside me. I didn’t waste a minute pulling her closer, pretending to be half-asleep as I tried not to smile against her long, soft hair.

Tomorrow, we’d explore Bainbridge Island a little more. We’d eat in every diner, cafe, or restaurant she desired, with the mountains disappearing into the clouds behind us. We’d walk hand-in-hand among normal people without the sirens of a ruined city in the background or the fear of grown men with cameras jumping out from behind any trees. We’d soak up the open air, no longer confined by four walls and the same routine, day in, day out. We’d be free to be mother and daughter, and we’d live life on our own terms, if only temporarily.

As long as I had her, I had everything.

I continued to tell myself that, even as I drifted to sleep to find the one man I couldn’t escape waiting for me there in a dream world I had no control over.

God damn you, Logan.

Two days later,Bella and I slipped into the rental car, and I drove us to the outskirts of Seattle, where her father and I first met.

I wasn’t sure if it was the exhaustion from the time we’d spent exploring every inch of Bainbridge Island, or the fact she’d eaten herself into a coma and no doubt felt a little sluggish now, but Bella was unusually quiet on the journey. No matter how much I encouraged her to talk, she remained subdued, her focus on the roads we drove down, her eyes somewhat heavy.

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