Page 52 of Whenever You Call

Hannah had looked up at me with those bright eyes of hers, and for the first time in a few hours, the caution had returned until she must have found whatever she’d been looking for, and she gave me a nod of approval.

As carefully as I could, I picked Bella out of her seat and began to carry her inside. Her head fell against my chest, right next to my racing heart, and she curled her body into me before she wrapped her arms around my neck. The way she’d no doubt done with Cole a thousand times and never would again.

Yet another stab of betrayal hit me square in the gut, all too aware that he should be the one doing this, not me.

I’m just trying to do the right thing here, man. I know this is fucked up.

The ghost of him lingered again once we were inside. The urge to hand Bella over to her mom and get the hell out of there was strong, but then Livia’s eyes caught mine as I walked to the wide, spiral staircase, and a need to prove myself took over.

“Where am I taking her?” I asked either of them.

Livia stood in front of me by the entrance to the open-plan kitchen while Hannah traipsed somewhere behind. I wasn’t sure of her proximity until her gentle hand on the small of my back had me looking to my left, where she came around, a motherly vision, pointing up the staircase.

“There’s a reason I call her lazy bug. She adores her naps. Her bedroom is the last one on the left. Want me to show you?”

“Please,” I said, doing everything I could to ignore the looks Livia no doubt sent my way.

Bella didn’t flinch as we climbed the stairs and walked down the long, white corridor that led to a huge floor-to-ceiling arched window at the very end. Her room sat to the left, and Hannah turned to me with a small smile before she pushed through into it, with Bella and me following closely behind.

There were no pink walls like I’d expected. Everything had been decorated in whites, beiges, and creams, with hints of pastel colors strategically placed here and there. In the center of the room, against the far wall, was a bed far too big for a little girl, filled with teddies and cushions she’d surely get lost in. A white princess domed canopy draped down from the ceiling, which Hannah quickly pushed back, opening the bed up and allowing me to lay Bella down from one side of the mattress while Hannah tucked her in from the other.

It was impossible to miss the way Bella tried to cling to me that little bit longer when I first tried to let her go.

“Easy, Bella. Shh,” I whispered, soothing her when her arms eventually released me, and she curled into herself on the mattress, beneath the comforter. “You’re okay.”

Hannah caught it, too, and her brows furrowed as though the sight of it had caused her physical pain.

That’s the thing about dying. It’s not the fact that your existence fades away to nothing that hurts the most. It’s knowing the ones you’re leaving behind have to deal with a thousand different moments like this, where small, insignificant things suddenly become the greatest heartaches to exist, causing a slicing pain no one can ever truly prepare for.

I hated to see her suffer, and I hated even more that there was nothing I could do about it now.

Once we’d tucked Bella in, Hannah and I stood over her bed, and our eyes connected. We stayed there looking at each other for far too long, neither of us knowing what the hell to say. The moment felt far more intimate than I was comfortable with, and all my thoughts came crashing together until my mouth moved without my permission.

“I’m not trying to replace him, Hannah,” I whispered. “I swear.”

“I know,” she said on a heavy exhale.

We both looked at Bella again, who had curled her hands around the first teddy she’d been able to find—a lemon-colored bear as big as her torso. She nuzzled into it, and as I watched her, I found I had something else to say to Cole, too:

What the fuck could possibly have been wrong with you to need to chase a high higher than this, you fucking fool?

Livia made herself scarce,telling Hannah she’d chosen to stay at her own place that night… much to my relief. I didn’t dislike the woman, but I didn’t particularly enjoy the way I felt more exposed around her, either. Like any minute now, she’d walk up to me slowly, point a finger my way, and say,You’re the reason he didn’t make it, aren’t you? What are you trying to achieve here? Why are you doing this?

I lingered in the entryway of the kitchen, not knowing whether to go or stay as Hannah walked around the island to grab herself a glass of water. Neither of us said anything until three or four minutes had passed, and she turned to me, an almost-empty glass in hand.

“You don’t need to feel guilty for doing things he can no longer do,” she said, her voice quiet yet somehow strong. “He made his choice, and we weren’t it.”

“I know.”

“You don’t, Logan, but that’s okay.” She smiled sadly. “I understand this is weird for you.”

“It’s not.”

“Stop lying,” she whispered, and those two words shouldn’t have pinched at my conscience as much as they did.

The tension between us grew, and I was about to make my excuses to leave, only for Hannah to take a step closer toward me.

“Don’t go,” she said.

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