Page 26 of Whenever You Call

“There are many forms of heartbreak, Hannah,” Logan finally said on the other end of the line, his voice tight, almost angered. “It’s impossible to avoid them all.”

“I didn’t mean to say you’ve never suffered. Just that…” I blew out a breath. “We make a choice to fall in love, don’t we? There’s a moment. A distinct point in time where the person you’re staring up at is smiling down on you, and something inside your entire existence just… changes. You suddenlyknow. You know the answer to a question you hadn’t even asked yourself. It’s just there, and when it is, your chest doesn’t feel big enough for your heart, and you lose control of everything. It feels like you’re actually falling. I think that’s why it’s called falling in love. That moment is scary as hell. It’s when you decide to run with it and let it happen, no matter how risky it seems—or you run away. Save yourself the trouble of being vulnerable, even if the stuff you experience in between makes you feel more alive than you ever thought possible. While I was living the good times, I never regretted falling in love. I praised myself every day for taking that chance.”

“And now?”

“If it weren’t for Bella, I’d wish I’d never laid eyes on Cole.”

I waited for him to tell me I didn’t mean that—that my thoughts and emotions were an overreaction. That it was the grief talking.

“I understand,” he said instead, making me close my eyes in relief before opening them again to look out at Cole’s tree.

If Cole had something to say about me thinking that then he’d find a way to show it.

Nothing happened, though, and the annoyance that twisted at my gut confused me.

Did I want Cole’s anger, even now? Would it make me feel better somehow to know I’d pissed him off as much as he had me in the years we’d spent together?

“It’s a difficult thing to love someone with your whole heart but to resent them at the same time,” I whispered without thought. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Say whatever you need to say. Forget what other people think.”

“That’s what Cole always told me,” I said with a sad smile. “That I worried too much about what other people thought. I’d argue that it wasn’t a bad thing, being conscious of others’ feelings, but he always told me that I should be conscious of my own before anyone else’s.”

“Looking after yourself should always be a priority.”

“Until it hurts those around you. I think everyone should be part selfish and part empathic. Everything should be balanced.”

“Easier said than done sometimes.”

“I suppose it is.” I sighed, running my free hand through my hair and resting it at the back of my neck. “Damn. Would you listen to me? You’re meant to be out there looking for a life of your own right now, not listening to what’s wrong with mine.”

“You’re fine, Hannah.”

Something about the way he said it made my skin prickle with a feeling so foreign, I didn’t recognize it. Whatever it was, it felt treacherous and forbidden. A knot in my stomach that warned me against letting someone get too close, too soon.

“I should go,” I said. “Sorry for getting deep for a moment there.”

Whatever it was that Logan possessed that made me want to spill my guts to him, it was dangerous, and I didn’t need any more danger in my life right now. I needed assurance, stability, zero drama.

“Goodbye, Logan.”

He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, but then his voice, softer than ever, simply said, “Bye, Hannah,” and I hung up, unsure how to feel about the way goosebumps broke out at the nape of my neck.

I dropped my cell onto the small coffee table in front of me and tugged on my ankles, pulling them even farther under my ass on the couch as a mixture of emotions slid over me. Guilt for talking to a stranger so negatively about the love of my life. More guilt for feeling such resentment toward my husband who could no longer argue his case like he always had done. Fear that Logan would tell the world everything I’d said to him. Abandonment that everyone I’d ever loved apart from Bella had left me. Loneliness because of the above.

But among all that sat that little flicker of relief, burning like a barely-lit candle, showing me a slither of light in an otherwise dark world. To unburden myself for just a minute had been a greater pleasure than I could have ever expected.

I closed my eyes and focused on that positive emotion, basking in it, tugging it to the forefront so it could grow brighter than the negatives.

It worked, too, until my cell buzzed on the coffee table, forcing me to open my eyes and reach for it before pulling it into my lap to read the message that had just come through.

Logan - Paramedic: I have two new rules if you ever decide to reach out to me again. One: hide your number. Once I delete it from the call log, along with this message, I don’t want anyone having a way to get to you through me.

Two: don’t ever apologize for anything you have to say. If it’s what you’re thinking and feeling, it’s valid, and I don’t need to hear you asking me for forgiveness because I won’t give it.

I read over it a dozen times, trying to control the mixture of feelings I had about what he’d said. I got up and walked away from my cell and tried to busy myself with more jobs that didn’t need doing before I found myself with my cell back in hand and my thumbs typing out the only thing I could think to say to him. The only thing that mattered.

Me: Thank you, Logan

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