Page 141 of Whenever You Call

We kept very little from Bella now. She deserved the truth because it would always protect her so much more than any lies.

I spread the sheet of paper out in front of me on the stand, ready to read it again for the hundredth time as Cole’s handwriting stared back at me.

With a deep breath, I began to read.

My babies,

Hannah and Bella.

Fuck knows why I’m writing this down, but that’s me, isn’t it? I’ve never made much sense. The only thing I know is this:

I have loved you with everything inside of me, but I think you both know by now that I’m a self-destructive asshole who can’t and won’t ever let himself be happy for long.

I’m sorry you got stuck with that.I’ve tried everything to change.Money, music, fame… women, they never felt enough. Not until you two came along, but then you both felt too good to me, and I’ve done everything I can to push you away since.

Finally, I think I’ve succeeded.

You walked away from me tonight, Hannah, and thank fuck you did. What took you so long? Why did you have to stick around and fight when I pushed you to your limits and made you hate yourself for it? You’ve always been that way. Too much. Too good. Too loyal. Too self-sacrificing. Bella deserves more from both of us, and the only way we can give her what she needs in life is for one of us to let her go.

That’s gonna be me.

What a motherfucking hero, huh?

If only you knew the truth…

I’m a fucking coward.

I’ve messed up, babe, and I’ve messed up in ways I can’t even bear to look you in the eyes and tell you about. I know you’ll find out one day, and I can’t stick around to see how that plays out. I can’t face the disappointment in your eyes. It would kill me.

Even though I’m already dead.

So go ahead and hate me. I want you to. Every time you see a picture of me or hear a song with my voice, I want you to scream. To clench your fists in anger and force yourself to remember the bad in me because I’m full of the stuff, Hannah. My veins are burning with poison. I’m made up of venom and greed, led by the stuff no one dares talk about, with the only things keeping me afloat being the two of you. You and my daughter. Hannah and Bella. I’m too much weight for you to carry when I can’t even carry myself. It’s time for me to let you go.

But, fuck, I love you, you hear me?Even when I don’t say it. Even when I make you think the opposite. I fucking love you. I’ve just gone about so much shit in so many wrong ways, it’s impossible for me to get back on track without destroying everything even more than I already have.

My only hope?

That somehow, sometime soon, someone comes along to be the version of me I could never be. The better one. When it arrives, don’t deny yourselves it. Don’t push it away the way I’ve pushed you out of my life. What kind of asshole does that? You don’t owe me loyalty when I never gave you that gift.

Embrace love and accept it.

I wish I’d been able to.

But don’t ever think I didn’t love you for a minute. I loved you more than anything.

Including the music.

Tell Bella I’ll always be with her even when I’m not, and tell her she’s never allowed to date. Not until the man she ends up calling Dad tells her the boy’s good enough to have her love.

I’ll be missing you.

Cole.

P.S. Tellthe guys in the band to suck my dick. And then tell them I’m sorry, too.

I lookedup at the crowd with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat I knew would make my voice thick. Silence commanded the room, and even though the pain of the last year had at times suffocated me, now I used it to push me forward. To deliver the speech I knew I had to set free in my heart to finally move on with grace, dignity, and total forgiveness. With my chin raised, and my shoulders back, I stared up into the bright light beaming down on me, and I sucked in a breath for fortitude.

“When Cole died, even though our marriage had been in ruins, I still hoped with all my heart that his last thoughts were of his daughter and me. I hoped that when he took his last breath, it was her and I who flashed before his eyes, and us he clung to in those final moments, should he have been scared. His letter helped me to believe that was true.”

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