Page 140 of Whenever You Call

And then I heard his voice in my ear.

Cole’s.

I heard it like he stood beside me, his hand pressed into my back as his breaths washed over my ears.

Would you look at this? A celebration of life just for me, and Hannah Moore standing in front of a crowd of people. Who would have thought it?

Go, say what you have to say, darling. It’s your time now, so don’t hold back. Be the force of nature I always knew you could be but never took the time to draw out of you because I was a selfish bastard like that.

Tears welled in my eyes, and I had to blink them away.

Silence descended over the auditorium.

Let this be our real goodbye,I thought I heard Cole say.

Or maybe that’s what I wanted him to say.

Either way, I abandoned the cue cards in front of me, and I looked up at the crowd of people I couldn’t even see.

“Thank you all for being here to pay your respects to my late husband, Cole Newman,” I spoke into the microphone, hearing the crack in my voice and taking a minute to clear my throat subtly. “When I first got asked to speak tonight, my initial reaction was to say no and walk away. Not because I didn’t love Cole, but because I’ve never particularly been one for the spotlight, and I’m still not sure I’m ready for that now. However, it seems that, regardless of whatIwant, people continue to put me here anyway. I can either let them write my story for me, or I can stand up here and tell it myself. I may not know much in life, but I know what Cole would have wanted me to do more than anything.

“That man was a force of nature. A hurricane tearing through people’s lives and leaving an impression they’d never forget—especially mine. Like so many others before me have already said tonight, he was special. So special that I think every one of us who met him knew from that very first minute of being in his company that he was going to rule the world. And boy, did Cole make that happen.

“There wasn’t anything he couldn’t do. I truly believe that. But in the end, I think he believed that, too, and the truth is, that’s why he isn’t here singing for us tonight, and why we’re here remembering him instead. Cole thought he was indestructible. A wall that couldn’t be knocked down. A lion that couldn’t be tamed. A villain that couldn’t be beaten. A hero that would never stop winning. In so many ways, he was all those things and more.” I paused, sucking in a breath as Cole’s ghost trailed a finger down my spine, encouraging me to go on. “But in others, everything I’ve just said was a lie. Cole wore a mask. One that hid the pain he was desperate to avoid showing. Pain born from parents who abandoned him, adoptive parents that died too soon, and a life filled of him having to turn himself into a monster in order to survive.”

I looked down at my cue cards for only a moment before I looked back up again.

“But the mask only worked for so long, and so Cole turned to music to keep him alive. Music…” I looked at Bella. “And his daughter. The two things that meant more to him than anything in this world, and in those two things, he found the beauty he’d always been looking for. The things that made him come alive.”

Bella smiled up at me, her cheekbones prominent as Logan ran a hand down her back to let her know he was there for her.

Turning back to the crowd, I knew it was time to say what I needed to say.

“Unfortunately, Cole found something else that made him feel alive. Something that would eventually take him from us, and the lure of that proved too much for anyone in this room to save him. Lord knows, we tried.”

I dared myself to turn toward his band members sitting on the front row on the opposite aisle to that of my family. Each of them sat there, dressed in a suit, shirt, and tie, their hands clasped together in honor of their brother as they looked up at me.

“We tried, didn’t we, guys?” I said, and each of them nodded their somber agreement. “But in the end, it wasn’t enough, and now we’re all here, remembering a man who could have been great—who was great for a while—and we’re all trying to figure out what happens going forward. How do any of us get over a man like Cole Newman?”

Silence descended over the room again.

“The truth is, I don’t think we can. The only thing any of us can do is tell the truth, no matter how raw, ugly, or tragic it might be because even though Cole may have lied to himself for a lot of his life, the truth was one thing he demanded from everyone else. I believe it gave him hope that one day he’d be able to sit comfortably with his own if he ever found it.”

I sucked in a deep breath, closed my eyes for just a moment, and I looked back out at the crowd.

“There have been a lot of things said about me since his death. A lot of speculation, many assumptions, and even more opinions about the fact that I’ve since found love again, but part of the reason I’m here today is to tell you that while you might know certain pieces, you’ll never know the whole story, and I’m not willing to share it with you. You know why? Because it’s precious. Every moment of it. Even the ones that hurt like hell to get us here, and one thing Cole always, always, always told me was this,” I said, before imitating his voice with: “Fuck them, Hannah. Fuck what anyone else thinks of your life but you. If something makes you happy, go out there and drown in it.”

I heard the quiet chuckles followed by more people whispering and talking among themselves. Whether they approved or not, I didn’t know, but I turned my attention back to my daughter and mouthed a polite, “Sorry,” at having cursed in front of her, only for her shoulders to bounce and for her to turn to Logan with a giggle of disbelief.

And then my eyes met his.

The love of my life.

The man I knew I’d marry soon.

“So, just like Cole told me to, this is me fucking everyone, doing what makes me happy, consequences be damned because I know in my heart it’s what’s right. I know it’s what Cole would want for me and his daughter, and I know because, only last week, while we were clearing out a room I’d avoided since Cole died, Logan—the new man in my life—and I found something. If it’s okay, I’m going to read it for you. I think Cole would want you all to know the real him. For all of us to learn how to sit comfortably with his truths when he couldn’t.”

Logan gave me another nod of encouragement while Bella rose from her seat, choosing instead to sit in Logan’s lap for this part. She wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her into him as they watched me unravel Cole’s letter, already knowing what it said.

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