I know what he’ll do if I try to get away.
I’ve done this so many times before.
He punches my face. “You stupid cunt!”
Blood stings my tongue. I lick my lips while raising my arms to block another punch. Air flees from my lungs when I hit the ground, choking against the pain that radiates in my side. I see him wind back his leg. I hear the chaos erupting around us.
So, I curl up. I cower. I block the blow.
His shoe shakes against my shin.
I clutch my knees to my chest while squeezing my eyes shut, praying that he’ll just go away. He’s just drunk. He’s just angry. He’s just getting it out of his system. There’s nothing I can do about it.
There’sneveranything I can do about it.
Don’t hurt my baby, I beg.Just don’t hurt my baby. Go away. Please!
The pain intensifies, and then I feel like I’m floating toward the ceiling. I turn my head left and then right. I see the gift table, the buffet tables. I see the windows. I see Karina, Viktoria, and Willow clinging to each other with horrified expressions.
And when I look down, I see myself.
I watch my brother viciously kicking my legs. Blood stains the carpet. The teal green blouse I’m wearing shimmers in the sunlight, reflecting the luxury of being plucked from a huge closet. My black slacks looked so pretty when I put them on this morning, sleek and slimming.
But now? They just seem sort of silly. Like I wore them for a fight I knew I would lose.
The baby shower, Pavel, Jonas—there’s no shortage of disappointments. I’m living out every experience I’ve ever had through the lens of a kaleidoscope. The colors spilling into the room are gorgeous, subliminal. They add a soft haze to the whole scene.
I’m not in my body anymore. I don’t think I ever want to get back into my body. It’s safe up here near the ceiling. It’s nice and cool, relaxed, disconnected.
And then everything shifts. Hands grab for Jonas, dragging him away from my curled-up body. I look like one of those centipedes that got scared and coiled in on itself. Is that all I am to my brother? A pesky bug that he can smash whenever he likes?
Pavel pulls out his gun and presses it to Jonas’s forehead. It’s enough to ground me back into my body for a moment. My legs scream with pain, but I bite through it to stand up. I clench my fists at my sides, lips quivering with unspoken words.
Pavel cocks his gun. “Enough.”
“Hey, come on,” Jonas croaks, face paling with each passing second. His throat bobs as he swallows hard. “Don’t do it, man. You’ll regret it. You need me, remember? Liya won’t like this.” His sober eyes seek me out.
“Liya.”
All I can do is stare at him. He looks small. Smaller than I ever remember.
“Liya, call him off. Stop him! I didn’t mean it! You know I don’t mean it! You know that, right?”
The words bubble in my throat. My mouth opens to release them, but they never make an appearance. They die on my tongue as Pavel’s stare demands an answer.
If there’s ever a day when I’m forced to make a choice.
I touch my stomach, the motion somehow disconnected from me. It’s like I’m leaving my body all over again.
I look at my brother, studying the fear in his eyes. He’s shaking now, jittery with alcohol and adrenaline. He’s frightened.
If there’s ever a day…
My expression withers from cringing anxiety to cold detachment. Time sluggishly progresses as I float up, up,upand away.
I see myself look at Pavel.
I see myself give him a subtle nod.