Page 84 of Reckless Rebel

I attempt to push forward once more but another jolt fires me backwards.

“You can do this, Jace, we believe in you.”

The last jolt erupts from within, as if it was scorned right on my heart, and before I can reach out to hold onto them I am being ripped away into utter darkness.

The beeping is the first thing to register, it’s loud and insistent, scratching the inside of my pounding head. God I wish someone would make it stop. My eyes are heavy as I attempt to open them, scrunching them shut as the blinding light burns them. I’m not sure how long it takes to open them, but when I do, I wish I hadn’t.

I’m in a hospital room and Elle is standing by the window staring out to whatever lies beyond. Her fingers absentmindedly dig into her arm and leave little crescents on her skin. I let my eyes wander around the room, it’s nice, private no doubt knowing Elle, and I find that it’s just the two of us in here.

My hands are freshly bandaged, and there are a couple of different tubes hooked up to my body. My skin is soaked in sweat and the banging inside my head is like an intense pain I have never known. I wish I could say I don’t remember how I got here, but that’s a lie, and when I try to move and let out a little pained grunt, Elle’s eyes snap to mine.

Her whole body relaxes when she sees that I am awake, and I can’t help but note her red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained face. Fuck. I did that to her. I open my mouth to say something, anything, that could try and make this whole fucked up situation better, or to help her understand but she beats me to it.

“Pretty Boy.” Her words are half exhale, half sob, as she launches herself towards me and drops her head to my shoulder and lets her cries shake out.

It hurts to wrap my arms around her, but it’s nothing compared to the pain I feel inside. I did this to her, she supported me through everything and this is how I repay her. We have been through so much together, too much, but I need to do better, cope better, because otherwise I am going to lose one of the best things to ever happen to me. When I lost Rachel and went into foster care I thought I’d be alone forever. Even after I met Marcus and Lincoln, I still felt empty, they helped sure, but we were just three lost souls searching for a purpose, and then along came a stabby little queen with a taste for revenge.

I can’t even bear to think about where the three of us would be without her. Elle King changed everything, gave my life meaning again, gave me a family to love and be a part of, and I let her down. I let her down in the worst way imaginable, how can she ever forgive me?

“Queenie,” I croak. “I’m so fucking sorry, for everything.” My apology opens a dam as we both cry. For me, for her, for Taylor, for every single thing I can think of that has made our lives harder.

“I thought we lost you,” Elle sighs. “I thought.” She pauses, shaking her head like the thoughts are too painful to speak, “After the crash, when we were tied up and helpless, I was scared, but not for me, I was scared for you, I was scared that I was going to lose you, that Greg would punish me through you.” She takes a deep breath looking back towards the window, “What happened with Taylor was devastating, I hate myself every single day for not protecting her, for bringing her into the fold, for even starting my fucking revenge mission in the first place.” Her words rush from her like she has been holding them back every second of the day.

“I should have protected her, and I failed, but the only thing that got me through was knowing that it wasn’t you, that you were safe, that you were alive.” Her eyes close like she is reliving that awful day. “When he killed her,” she whispers. “I felt a piece of me die with her, felt her death like it was my own and I knew, knew that if I wanted to get us out of there alive that I had to submit. I will always regret not saving her.” Her hands curls around mine, “But don’t think for one second I ever regret saving you.”

Her eyes come back to mine and I see the fresh tears gathering there and she shuts them to force them away. “And then last night, I heard the pain in your voice, I felt you heart not beating beneath my hands.” She opens her eyes and they and come back to mine, “I thought I lost you,” she whispers in utter heartbreak.

Her words break me open. I try not to think of the night we lost Taylor often, but when I do it’s always the same, Greg’s blade slicing across her throat, Taylor’s lifeless body slamming to the floor, I never stop to think about Elle and what she felt. That wasn’t the first time she had been bound and helpless at the hand of the Donovans, but it was the first time that it wasn’t only her safety on the line, she must have been terrified. The tough, stubborn, wild, and fearless Elle King was scared, and more importantly she was scared for me, because she cares about me. I don’t know why, or even how I got her to feel that way, but I need to thank my lucky stars that she does, and I need her to know that none of this was her fault.

I reach up and grip the back of her neck so her stare stays locked on mine. “Ells, I lost me, I was the one who lost control and did something reckless, this was not on you.”

Before I can lose myself in my emotion, the door creaks open and Riley slips inside, startling a little when she sees that I’m awake. Elle glances at her, offering her a resigned smile before she looks back at me.

“Pretty Boy.” Her nickname holding so much love and affection, “You’re my family, it will always be on me. You’re so fucking important to me, to our family, you ever do anything like this to me again and I will never forgive you.”

I know she is serious, but the emotion in her eyes has me pulling her in for another tight hug, “I love you, Elle King.”

“I love you too, Jace Conrad.” Her words are muffled into my chest but when she pulls back I see a slight smile on her face, “I’ll go and tell Marcus and Linc that you are awake, they are asleep in a room down the hall.” With one last squeeze to my hand, she stands from the bed, nods at Riley, and then leaves us alone.

Riley watches her go before she looks down at her feet and then stands, eyes fixed on my bandaged hands. When I move them her stare snaps to mine and the mix of emotions is jarring. The bags under her eyes make her look like she hasn’t slept in weeks, her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and her clothes are all rumpled.

“Red,” I exhale, but she holds her hand up, cutting off any other words I was about to say.

She paces back and forth a couple of times before she takes a deep breath and sits on the side of my bed, pulling one of my hands into hers. “Jace, I fell for you,” she whispers, cracking my chest wide open. “God, I fell so fucking hard that I didn’t even realize it until it was too late,” she cries, a little smile on her face as she uses her free hand to dash away her falling tears.

My heart starts to thunder in my chest, knowing I don’t deserve her love, but knowing I am going to be selfish enough to take it and keep it. I think of the millions of things I want to do to make it up to her, but then her next words shatter all of those thoughts.

“But I can’t do this.” Her words are barely above a whisper, but they still crack me wide open. “You died, Jace, your heart wasn’t beating, you wasn’t breathing, you were gone. They had to shock you three times just to bring you back, and it was all because you gave up, stopped fighting.”

Fresh tears gather in my own eyes as she recounts what happened from her point of you. “That day when we came home, I told Rick about us, I told him that what I had with him wasn’t good, and it was the truth. You made me feel things I didn’t even know were possible, made me fall so hard that I was desperate for you to catch me and I didn’t care about anyone else.” She blows out a thick breath and I can tell it’s to try and keep her tears held back. “I wasn’t scared of many things, but I was scared to lose you, but I can’t do this with you if I feel like I am going to be constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the next time you feel like giving up. That’s not good for anyone, I can’t be your lifeline.”

“This wasn’t on you, Riley, this was on me.”

“Exactly,” she agrees. “How can I possibly help you if I feel like I’m not enough for you? I couldn’t save you. You wouldn’t let me save you, and I’m the one who has to live with that guilt. I can’t love you, Jace, not when you won’t love yourself.” She reaches out to wipe my cheek and my head tilts into her touch, desperate for more, “I can’t be your life raft when you are so insistent on drowning.” She leans forward and presses her lips to mine, ignoring the moisture of both our tears as she kisses me goodbye, “I’m so sorry.”

Numbness creeps in as I feel that familiar ache and need burn within me as I watch her leave. How the fuck did I fall so far? My breaths come thick and fast as I try to remain in control, my focus wavering as the door opens again but I am too far gone to notice whoever it is.

A warm touch presses against my skin, “Take a deep breath, sweetheart, in and out.” The soothing voice grounds me as I do what it says and force air into my lungs. In and out. In and out.

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