Page 53 of Reckless Rebel

“Everything.” I don’t know why, but I hold the bottle out to her and offer her a drink. Her hand reaches out and takes it, our fingers grazing together making electricity dance through me.

She doesn’t say anything, just takes a little sip from the bottle and hands it back, and I find myself dropping it to the floor, no longer interested in the need for it, not when I have an even bigger pressing need lying next to me. I don’t know if it’s her calming presence, or the alcohol in my veins, but I open my mouth and start talking.

“I lost something earlier this year, a friend of mine, her name was Taylor.” Just saying her name out loud feels like a fucking knife to my chest.

I feel her head turn on its side so she is looking at me. “Yeah, I heard about that.”

I can’t help the scoff I let out, because of course she heard about it, everyone did. “You heard the version the world was told, the lies.”

I expect her to blanch away from my harsh tone, but if anything it feels like she comes closer. “And what's the truth?”

I grunt a pained laugh as I think about that fucking day, that awful fucking day. “The truth,” I repeat with pause, not even sure how to fully answer her. “The truth is she died in pain, she had been hurt and violated, and she was so scared.” I turn my head to the side and she is looking right at me, glossy unshed tears gathering in her eyes. “I watched as the murderer who took my sister's life sliced her throat right in front of me and I did nothing.”

I wish saying it out loud like that made me feel better, like I got some sort of cathartic release by being honest with myself, with her, but all it did was remind me of the pain, her’s and mine, and watching a tear track down Riley’s cheek makes it even worse.

“Jace,” she croaks out my name and it’s the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard, a sound I could drown in and never have to come up for air, but I can’t, I won’t.

I shake my head. “Please don't,” I beg. “Just don't say anything to try to make me feel better right now, okay?” I don’t want pity, not from her.

She nods, swiping the tear from her cheek and then slides her hand into mine. “Okay, Playboy.”

We both turn back up to face the stars and just when I think the silence might engulf us both, she speaks again. “I had sex with Rick last night,” she whispers, and the pain already curling in my gut increases tenfold. “It wasn't good,” she carries on. “At least I don't think it was, it's not like I have anything to compare it to.” She laughs a little and my fingers tighten around hers involuntarily.

“Are you okay?” I ask after a minute of silence, and her fingers clench in response. I have to breathe slowly to try and calm the rapid beating of my heart.

I feel her shrug. “It didn’t hurt and it was over quickly,” I stop myself from shaking my head, of fucking course it was, can’t imagine little Dicky has any idea how to please a fucking woman. “But I can't decide if I'm glad it's done with or if it's the worst mistake I've ever made.” Her words cut through me as I try to recall losing my own virginity, it was nothing special and also over quick. “I gave him my virginity and I felt nothing. It meant nothing, and now I have lost a moment I can never get back.”

Her words settle deep in my chest because I feel them, within me, I know exactly what she means. I’ve had a lot of sex, with so many different girls, yet not once have I ever felt anything more than just the need to blow. It’s always just fucking for fun, mindless and easy, nothing like what I know it could be.

I blow out a slow breath. “I know sex can mean nothing. I have nothing sex all the time, trust me I know.” For the first time ever I no longer see the appeal in fucking different girls every week, not when I think of the girl next to me, not when I think what it could be like with us if I allowed myself to dream. “But I've seen it when it can be everything with someone. When a person can light up another's whole world. I see it everyday with my best friends. So don't be upset that it wasn't what you expected it to be, because one day it will be everything you never knew you needed.”

Riley doesn’t say anything, and this time the silence is comfortable, like we have done this a thousand times. I don’t want to move, but I know I shouldn’t stay and torture myself, but just as I contemplate getting up, she speaks.

“Did you love her?” She asks, “Taylor, I mean?”

I wish I could tell her yes, that the very idea of losing her broke my heart so much that I’ll never love again, but that just isn’t true. It isn’t love and loss that keeps me up at night, but guilt. “No, I didn’t love her.” I think about those green eyes that haunt my nightmares every night, the soft press of her lips the first time she kissed me, how scared she looked the last time I saw her. “I could have, if we had more time maybe, she would have been easy to love, but she wouldn’t have loved me.”

“I’m sure if she had the time,” Riley starts, but I interrupt her.

“I’m not the kind of guy that girls fall in love with, Riles, I thought you of all people would know that.” I aim to lighten my tone so it doesn’t sound so self-deprecating.

“I’m sorry,” she starts and I frown. “For judging you when we first met, I mean it was mid-orgy so I’m sure you can understand my reservations, but now I’ve gotten to know you, you’re a pretty amazing guy, Jace Conrad.”

The smile practically breaks my face in two as I turn fully onto my side towards her. “Don’t start flirting with me now, Red, I’ll get the wrong idea.”

She turns with me, rolling onto her own side. “You always have the wrong idea,” she barbs back with a smile of her own and a warmth spreads across my chest.

This lightness between us settles the darkness swirling inside of me and I find myself craving more. “You’re the one always thinking about me naked, if you want to see my dick again, all you’ve got to do is ask.”

“I want to see your dick again,” she says with a completely straight face and I practically choke on my tongue, but then her face crumples as she bursts out laughing.

“Oh my god, you should see your face.” she wheezes the words out, she is laughing so hard.

I squeeze her hand that is still encased in mine. “You’re a cruel, cruel woman.” God what I would give for her to say those words to me for real.

Her eyes sparkle in playful delight, it’s a side I haven’t seen of her before.“Oooo I’m a woman now am I?” Her tone is light and teasing. Tempting.

I shrug. “I don’t know from what I hear, little Dicky, really is a little Dicky.” I wiggle my pinky finger at her and she shakes her head with a laugh.

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