Page 31 of Reckless Rebel

“You really are a dick, you know that right?” I say with a smile, only half joking, but he just shrugs with a smile of his own.

I grab the phone and start opening the snaps and I guess I should have been prepared for the amount of naked selfies, but hey I guess I really am a prude. The range of poses to provocative invitations is extreme and I suddenly feel inadequate. Is this what people do now? Is this what I should be doing?

I can’t help but blurt out my inner thoughts. “Damn is this really what girls are competing with?” If I tried to sound casual I failed.

Jace looks at the image in front of me, not a flare of interest in sight at the picture of a beautiful topless girl and just shrugs. “Depends what you are in it for.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, sitting closer not realizing how desperate I am for the answer.

Jace must see the serious look on my face because he sits up and grabs his phone back. “This is nothing, mindless flirting and fucking between people who don’t give a shit about one another. Competition doesn’t exist. If girls like that don’t want to fuck with me then I move on, simple.” He uncaps his water and takes a drink and I note the slight shake in his hand. “If we are talking about more, about being real and raw with another person, about being all in with them, then you should never feel like there is anyone else out there for that person but you.”

“Yeah I guess.” My reply is solemn as I again think about the kind of relationship I have with Rick. Are we all in? If we were then surely he shouldn’t be so pissed about me hanging around with Jace, he should know that he’s the one for me.

“What do you mean you guess? What about you and Dicky?” He frowns, watching me closely as he waits for my answer, like he can see the thoughts churning inside my brain.

“What about us?” I snap, my defenses rising.

“Isn’t that what you guys have?” He sounds bemused, but also interested.

I shrug, glancing at my parents before lowering my voice. “We haven’t even had sex, so how would I know?”

His eyes flare wide in surprise slightly, but he shuts it down quickly. “Why haven’t you had sex?” I flinch back at his casual asking of that question, and he sees it and holds up his hands. “Look I’m not saying you need to have sex, but this is the most hormonal we will ever be. You’re together, you love each other, you should want to rip each other's clothes off right?”

“Some people want to wait for it to be special.” Even I can hear that my voice doesn’t hold any strength in my argument, Jace is right, shouldn’t I want to be doing that with my boyfriend any chance I get? Isn't that what normal people are like?

“Bullshit! With the right person it would be special anytime, anywhere,” he says it so easily and I can’t help but pause to think about it. Is he right?

“But what about if you’re a virgin?” My eyes hit the floor as I ask him that, not wanting to see any judgment or humor in his eyes, but I should have known someone like Jace Conrad would have his own opinion of things.

“Virginity is just a stupid notion that people use to make others feel bad for having sex. It’s not sacred, it’s ridiculous. If you want to have sex then do it, if you don’t then don’t, it’s that simple. Be in charge of your own pleasure and fuck what anyone else thinks.”

My eyes hit his, as I stare at him in shock and a little awe to be honest. It’s a thought I’ve had myself multiple times. Why is our virginity so guarded and talked about and why have it build up into a huge thing when it isn’t?

I take in his words and think about how he looked talking about Marcus and Elle, and how he smiled as he watched my parents dance, I can’t help but ask, “Do you ever want more than the mindless fucking?”

Darkness crosses his face for just a fraction of a second, “I thought so, once maybe, but not anymore,” he replies solemnly, and I think I have really hit a nerve, but then that smile graces his face once more. “But I can swipe that pesky V card if you want, Riles? I’ll make it good I promise.” He waggles his brows and I pick up a pillow from beside me and hit him with it.

“I really hate you,” My voice doesn’t hold an ounce of sincerity.

“No, you don’t.” The smugness rolls off him, but I can’t help but agree.

“No, I don’t.” I smile, but then my eyes lock in on his hand shaking once more and I’m reminded just exactly what he gets up to when he isn’t here.

He watches my gaze lock in on the movement and I see the light fade from his eyes and before I can second guess myself I reach out and clasp his hand in mine

“Come on, Playboy, let’s see if you can keep up with me,” I tease, dragging him from the sofa and onto the grass so we can dance beside my parents.

We spin and move around the grass, copying my mom and dad, and also throwing in some of our own moves as we laugh and have fun. It isn’t until after Jace has said goodbye and I am walking up to my room that it hits me that tonight was the first night of the summer that I have truly enjoyed myself, and it was with a South Side Rebel and not my boyfriend.

17

Jace

I forgot today, not for long, but just enough to make me think that it might be possible. I might be able to survive this. There was no Greg Donovan, no dead sister, and no girl getting her throat slit in front of me. Taylor wasn’t a name that caused me pain, and self loathing wasn’t a feeling that coursed through my veins. I was just a boy enjoying an afternoon with his little sister. I had fun for the first time in months and for once I don’t feel guilty about taking a break from my grief.

This wasn’t fucking to forget, or drinking until I black out, no, instead the high came from something much purer than that. It came from family, my family, my own flesh and blood. Sofia is the light in the dark, just a flicker inside of me that I so desperately need to hang on to. She makes me feel worthy, like I am someone who can be something other than just this. It’s exactly how I felt when I was a kid and still had Rachel, our suffering didn’t matter because we had each other.

When I make it home I see a flash of blond entering the media room as I walk down the hallway. I should just continue on to my room, pop a pill, and sate the deep need that has been festering within me for hours now. But I push it down and follow after her. I am still feeling weird after our confrontation yesterday and despite the void that has been steadily growing between us, despite her best efforts, I don’t want to be in a fight with her.

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