Page 23 of Reckless Rebel

Elle King is not a cryer so when I see the tears gathering in her eyes it burns something inside of me, something primal that begs me to fight back. To be the person my family could be proud of, and not this fuck up I have become.

Elle takes a deep breath, pulling her emotions back like I’ve seen her do so many times before as her voice returns to its normal tone. “You’re part of my family, Jace Conrad, whether you want to be or not, but carry on down this path you're on, and you will become someone I can’t trust, and that will hurt me more than anything else.”

The suggestion that she could lose trust in me, when she has kept it even after all my failings, almost breaks me, “I’m trying my best, Queenie, I really am.”

There is no trace of the sorrow that usually lingers in her stare when she looks at me now. She just looks tired, like she is as sick of this song and dance between us as I am. “Well, try harder. Pull yourself together before it’s too late, because if you don’t then you’re just as bad as your parents.” She doesn’t linger to witness the effect of her words, just turns and leaves without another word.

Stabbing me with her ever present blade would have been less painful than her last blow, and I don’t move until she disappears down the path and I spy Lincoln’s blacked-out SUV idling in wait for her. She jumps inside without looking back and once again I am left alone.

Her words make me think what I’d be missing out on if I did give up. I think about what I still have, instead of what I’ve lost. I think about Sofia, how happy and light her life is, how she has parents who love her, and a sister she adores. She doesn't need me, but when I think that, a harsh pang hits me in my chest. I turn my head to the side so my cheek almost touches Rachel's gravestone and it hits me. She’s right.

What the fuck am I doing? Why am I sitting at my dead sister's grave when I have another sister who is alive and well?

Why should I let the fact that I'm a waste of space wreck the chance at having a relationship with her? I can make myself be a good person for the short amount of time I will get to spend with her.

She's sweet and kind and wants to get to know her big brother, and what? I'm just gonna ignore that fact because people think I'm not good enough? I will become good enough, or at least try. Become worthy of being a big brother she can be proud of, and that starts by showing up.

I stand from where I've been sitting, take one last look at Rachel's grave and then leave to head back to my car.

If I'm going to become a permanent part of Sofia's life then that means I'll be in Riley's too, so I need to make amends. I can only recall bits and pieces of last night and whatever went down clearly wasn't good.

I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or the extra pharmaceuticals floating through my system, but suddenly I feel like I can do this. Watch out Decker, you are about to have the Conrad charm fully unleashed on you.

14

Riley

I don’t know what tastes worse, the stale beer on my breath, or the lace of regret on my tongue. Last night was a complete shit show from start to finish. Drinking, walking in on Jace, the bathroom with Rick, and then the arguments with Jace, then Elle. All of it has been flashing through my head all day. I shouldn’t have done it, any of it, it was stupid and reckless, and completely out of character for me. I’m not this girl, I don’t go toparties, drink, and then almost get off against a bathroom door with my boyfriend. This whole thing with Jace is clearly getting to me, and I can’t let it carry on.

Sofia hasn’t stopped talking about him, it’s clear she adores him already, as do my parents, but why can’t they all see what I see? It doesn’t matter though, because Fia loves him, which means he isn’t going anywhere. That girl could persuade a King to give up his crown, and she’s already started working that charm on her big brother. If she has anything to say about it then he is going to be around for the long haul, and if that’s the case, I don’t want to spend that time at his throat.

Yeah, we have our differences, too many to even count, but as long as he keeps himself in check around Sofia, that’s all that matters to me. I don’t need to be concerned with what he gets up to at parties. With that settled in my mind, I decide to take a run to the dance studio to try to chase off this hangover, and hopefully clear my head.

I change into a sage green leotard and throw on a matching pair of dance tights. I toss my mass of curls into a sleek braid, and then head to the kitchen to fill up my water bottle.

“Going to the studio, Sweetheart?” My mom asks with a smile.

I nod, “Yeah, just got a lot going on up here.” I gesture to my head, and she nods in understanding. Considering her job, she is actually pretty good at not shrinking me. She always lets me talk things out with her, and also knows when I don’t want to talk too.

“Okay, well don’t forget you are watching Sofia tonight as your dad and I are having date night.” She smiles even wider now as she thinks about her date. Almost twenty years together and they still act like they are in the honeymoon phase. Their love life is better than mine, I can’t even remember the last time Rick took me on a date, yet here they are going out almost every week.

“I know, Mom. I’ve got a movie marathon all lined up for me and Fia, and I’m gonna order us some pizza.”

“That sounds wonderful, Darling. I’ll see you later then.” She drops a kiss to my head as she leaves the kitchen and her smile makes me smile.

I do a light jog over to the dance studio, the same route as usual and feel sufficiently warmed up by the time I get there. I change into my ballet flats and then go through the motions of my stretches until I feel limber enough to dance. This is the one and only place I can feel free. I never let anything bother me here, so as I spin, twirl, and jump across the floor, I don’t think about Rick, Jace, my sister, or everything that is currently going on. I just pour my pain and problems into my moves and create a new routine until my head is filled with nothing but dance.

I push myself further than usual and by the time I get back to the house, I feel much better than I did this morning. The endorphins cause a beautiful high to flow through my body, and I’m looking forward to a quiet girls night with Fia.

Rick has been texting me all day, asking to hang out, but I told him I can’t. I know he is going to be looking to make amends for what went down last night, but I need to process it all first, so I told him it was girls night. I love Rick, he’s one of my best friends, always has been, so when we turned into something more, it felt inevitable. Something I have never wanted to question before, but I have seen a different side to him this week and it has me second guessing everything with him.

I’m seventeen, getting with my boyfriend at a party shouldn’t feel like such a big deal, so how come it did? We have kissed and started to get hot and heavy a few times, but I still find myself holding back from taking that next step with him. It’s not that I’m not a sexual person, I masturbate all the time and know what turns me on, but the thought of doing it with him just feels so real. Like once we take that step there is no going back.

He’s been patient with me, but I know he won’t wait forever, and I think that is making me more nervous than I need to be. He loves me, I trust him, so why shouldn’t we take the next step? Different girls take that step with Jace all the time, is it really that easy to just let go and let it happen? I shake the thoughts from my head and decide to focus on girls night instead and worry about everything else tomorrow.

It’s barely 5pm, but once I shower, Sofia and I change into the matching pineapple pyjamas I bought for us a couple of weeks ago, and I put our hair in matching Elsa braids. By the time we order pizza and put on our face masks, our parents have left for a night of fun. She’s already managed to talk me into watching the Cinderella remake for the hundredth time, but I told her we had to wait until after dinner. So now, we are battling it out on karaoke, singing all the pop bops from the early 2000’s, another one of her obsessions.

We blaze through ‘Misery Business by Paramore’ and ‘Taylor Swift's We Are Never Getting Back Together’ before I hear the doorbell ringing as the next song lines up.

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