Page 86 of Reckless Rebel

I laugh, holding up my hands, “I think I fucked my fighting days up for a while,” I say solemnly. “But I’ve got more important things to worry about now.”

Just as I say that, the door swings open and Elle appears with a very sleepy looking Cassie. She is clutching onto Elle’s legs and I feel even more guilt slam into me as I think about the last time I saw her as I was pummeling into Rick’s face.

“Hey, Cass,” I say softly, as Elle bends down to pick her up, and just as she does that I notice Asher lingering behind them. The three of them come in and let the door shut behind them, as Elle brings Cassie over to my bed.

“Are you okay?” She asks quietly, the first person to actually ask me that today and as I look around the room at all of them the answer comes easily.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” At my response she smiles and crawls out of her mom's arms and onto my bed so she can cuddle with me.

The burning need for something more still aches inside of me but as I look at each and every one of them, including Asher Donovan, I remember why I am here. I take a deep breath, this is what I am fighting for, what I am pushing to stay a part of, the feeling of their love and affection is better than any high I could ever experience. It’s time I remembered that.

43

RILEY

TWO MONTHS LATER

The motions of my days have become the same, a routine I never stray from. Wake up, work out, shower, go to school, go to the dance studio, do homework, eat dinner with my family, and go to bed. Pretending I don’t dream of hazel eyes and flirty smiles. My parents won’t stop watching me, like I am some freak at the circus that they are waiting to see breakdown. Rick thankfully has ignored me since the night of the gala, Jace’s fists far more convincing than my own words to him, and Sienna asks me everyday how I am. I’m fine is what I tell her, what I tell everyone, but I’m not fine, I’ll never be fine.

It’s my senior year, I’m supposed to be having fun, thinking about what comes next, and deciding on my future, but how can I do that when the broken pieces of my heart have been left in the past? It’s an everyday battle to not ask my parents about him, to not wonder why Sofia doesn’t mention his name in front of me anymore, and to not ask what my parents are talking about every time I walk into the room and they fall silent.

His presence has been erased from my life like he never existed, and even the few not so casual trips I took into Black Hallows where I accidentally on purpose ran into Elle and the others, proved useless. He was nowhere to be seen.

Two months, two whole months and not a word.

I mean what did I expect? I told him I couldn't love him, that despite how hard I fell, how hard we both fell, that it just wasn’t enough, and he listened. There have been no calls, no texts, no showing up at the house to see me, or his sister. Not that it matters, I’m pretty sure my parents have some sort of secret arrangement going on with him for Sofia that just excludes me.

I take a deep breath as that familiar stab of pain shoots directly into the center of my chest. I’ve tried to convince myself countless times that it was nothing, that he and I were just a summer fling that got lost, but it’s no use. I know it was real, that it was love. The once in a lifetime kind of thing that everyone searches for, but I can’t say that out loud. I know how stupid it sounds, how we had only known each other for a couple of months, and only spent a couple of weeks wrapped up in each other, but that’s all it took. I know now that I fell slowly, from the moment his dark eyes searched for something in mine, and then so fast under a mixture of stars and waterfalls.

When the bell rings I barely even flinch, so deep in my thoughts that it isn’t until the eruption of chatter from my classmates that I’m brought back to the room. I sigh, closing the book I took zero notes in today and start packing up my things. A few people say bye to me on my way out, but I don’t return it, too in my own mind. I stop off at my lockers, dumping whatever I don’t need and then grab my jacket and head outside.

I’m dragging my feet so by the time I make it out there a lot of people have already cleared out which means I see it straight away. A bright red Dodge, no, his bright red dodge. He’s here. I stand frozen on the steps, panicking that I’m about to see him with his new flavor of the week, but then the door opens and he climbs out, eyes only on mine.

Jace Conrad in all his glory. He looks even more beautiful than what I remember, if that’s even possible, and a whole lot healthier than the last time I saw him. My thoughts clash together as I try to make sense of what I am seeing, of why he is here, but I come up empty. When I still don’t move, he smiles slightly, and begins a slow stroll over to where I am frozen at the top of the steps.

When he appears in front of me, I have to force myself to breathe as he whispers two words I have been longing to hear, “Hey, Red.”

“Jace,” I breathe. “What are you doing here?” I know it’s a stupid question, that it’s clear he has come to see me, but my brain doesn’t seem to be working right.

He laughs, “I came to see my girl of course.” That perfect flirty smile I have been daydreaming about slides onto his face with his words, but I frown.

“Jace, I told you, I can’t do this,” I start slowly, ignoring the cocky smirk that stays on his face, and how good he looks. “Especially when you disappear for two months without a word.” That reminder sets me off, who does he think he is? “God you really do have a giant fucking ego, don’t you? What you thought you could ghost me completely and then come back two months later like nothing happened, god knows where you’ve been or who you’ve been fucking, but I’m not…”

I’m cut off when he presses something into my hand and I look down and find something I recognize instantly. Not this particular one, but I’ve seen enough that are similar to tell me what it is. I bring my eyes back to him and find he is totally serious now.

“Your mom got me into a great facility, I was there for 65 days, 8 hours and 14 minutes,” he smirks, “Give or take a little.” When I still don’t say anything he continues, “The truth is, Riley, I wanted to die, I felt like I was, everyday for me was a fight to survive, to just keep breathing, and the only thing that allowed me to do that at the time was to get so high that I numbed my fucking pain.” He sighs, like he isn’t sure he is explaining himself properly, and then he looks around and notices there are still a few people lingering. He grabs my hand, takes my bag, and leads me to his car without asking, pushing me until we are leaning against it with no one close to us.

He takes a deep breath, pulling the chip from my hand before continuing, “When I lost my sister, I felt like I was treading water to just stay afloat in my grief, but from the second I watched that knife slide across Taylor’s throat I began to drown. I became someone else, someone that couldn’t see any way out.” He inhales again, rubbing the chip between his fingers like it’s a reminder of something.

“Now I’m two months sober,” he beams proudly. “Two months of not getting high to forget, of dealing with my trauma, and of realizing everywhere I went wrong.”

It’s at those words that I know why he’s here, he wants to apologize for getting with me, for leading me on when there was no chance of something more for us. For using me in his drug-fueled binge to feel something, to replace the loss of Taylor.

“It’s okay, Jace,” I interrupt him. “You don’t have to explain anymore, I get it, it’s okay.” I tell him, even as my heart breaks more than it already did before.

I take my bag from his hand and move to push away from him, but he grabs my waist and slams me into the car, my bag dropping to the floor, “No, Riles, I don’t think you do get it,” he smiles, and before I can respond he adds. “I love you, Red, I am so fucking in love with you.”

I blanch back at his declaration, he loves me? He thinks he loves me?

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