Page 85 of Reckless Rebel

When I finally calm down I find Ava smiling softly at me, but all it does is remind me of another person I have let down. “You broke your promise,” she scolds lightly, but I can hear the desperate worry in her tone as I remember our conversation, back before everything got so fucked up, she told me to keep fighting.

“I’m sorry,” I breathe again, knowing I have got an endless list of people to apologize to, I grip the hand on my arm in desperation. “I need your help.”

I know she sees the plea in my eyes, the anguish, as her other hand covers mine, lowering herself into the seat beside my bed, “Why, because you love my daughter?”

My eyes widen in surprise, but they shouldn’t. How could I have ever hidden all the signs from them? I was diving head first into my self destruction and then Riley came along and threw me a safety rope, one that led right to my little sister. How could I not fall for her? But this is so much bigger than her, bigger than me. I can’t be someone my sister can be proud to call her big brother if I don’t get help and change who I have become, and I can’t be with Riley if I don’t deal with all of my demons head on.

“No,” I reply quickly. “I mean yes, I do love her, so fucking much,” I breathe, hurting myself to just admit that out loud knowing how much I have fucked up. “But I need your help because I want to live,” I admit freely, and for the first time since the night Taylor was killed, since the day I found out my sister was murdered, I really mean it. “I need to live, to fight, to grow up and become better than what I was raised.” I don’t want to be the addict my family is ashamed of, being thrown out of functions, and not allowed to be around the kids, that’s not what I want. “I want to live a life that my sister never got to, to make her proud, to be someone that I can be proud of, and I can’t do that alone, so please, help me.”

I don’t care if I have to beg, I will get down on my knees and plead with her if it means I don’t have to go through this alone, if it means I can grow up and start the amazing life I have landed myself in.

Her whole face softens, “Jace, I’ve been waiting to help you since the moment Elle came to see us for the first time.” She tightens her fingers around mine, “I’m so glad you are ready to let me.” She reaches into her bag and pulls out a leaflet offering it to me, “I got you a place at a private facility, I had to pull a few strings, but we can get you in there tonight.”

I almost laugh at her saying she had to pull a few strings, more like the ridiculous and over the top Elle King threw money at whoever needed it to make it possible, saving my ass just like always. When I think that I do let myself smile. Why have I been so scared to ask for help, to want for help, when all my family have done all along is help me?

It’s as if Ava can read my mind, because she adds on, “It will mean leaving them.”

I nod my head, fresh tears gathering in the back of my eyes as I read over the form. I wish it hadn’t come to this but the bandages on my hands and the ache in my head are a fresh, constant reminder of how bad things really are. I almost died. No, I did die. I almost let my family lose more than they already had, I almost lost the chance to get to know my little sister more. I need this, I need help.

“How long is the program?” I dread the answer, knowing it’s going to be hard, especially without anyone around to help me.

“Sixty days.”

Tension curls in my stomach as I think about even trying to battle all my demons, but I have to do this.

“What will I tell them?” I don’t have to say her daughters names for her to know who I am referring to.

“Gerry can tell Sofia, explain that you are going away for a little while, but that you will be home as soon as you can.” The way she says home hits me in the gut, no matter how much trauma I endure, my family continues to grow. “Whatever you to tell Riley that’s up to you, we will respect your wishes.

I nod, thinking it over, and I know what I have to do before I can even say it. She doesn’t deserve to be worrying about me and how I am doing, I just need to disappear until I can be someone worth her love.

“I don’t want her to know where I am,” I tell Ava softly. “She has already suffered enough.” I take a deep breath, “I am fine with telling Sofia that I need to go away for a while without any details,” I explain and she nods. “And Riley,” I start, “Well, I don’t think she really cares where I go right now to be honest, but if you can just tell her I’m taking some time for myself, some time to get better, and hopefully when I come back, she won’t hate me completely.”

I try to pretend that saying that out loud doesn’t cause the cracks in my heart to turn into fucking craters, but I can tell by the somber look on Ava’s face that I am doing a shitty job of it, but she just nods in agreement, letting me make my own choices.

“Love is a hard road to navigate, Jace, especially when you have so many obstacles fighting against you.” Her words don’t soothe me, but her next ones warm me up as she adds, “Don’t feel bad because you gave up, feel good because fate saw you were worth saving. What you do with that is up to you. But I am proud to call you a part of my family, whether that be as Sofia’s big brother, or Riley’s boyfriend.”

I squeeze her hand tightly, hoping it conveys how grateful I am for her help. “Thank you, Ava.”

Her hand squeezes mine right back, “Sixty days, Jace, you got this.”

Sixty days.

Sixty days to turn my pathetic life around and get better.

Ava leaves me alone with my thoughts as she rushes off to tell the nurses I agreed to the transfer to the private rehab facility. She and Elle are sorting everything out while I am left me to say my goodbyes. Gerry and Sofia come first, no Riley in sight, and it’s a lot harder than I thought it would be to have my little sister see me in such a state. There are a lot of tears and cuddles, but eventually Gerry suggests we can write each other letters and that’s the only thing that gets her out of the room.

Arthur and Helen are next, the twins with them, and I apologize profusely to Lily and thank her for what she did, but all she does is roll her eyes and tell me to stop being dramatic. Arthur tells me to keep my chin up, while Helen hands me a hamper of sweet treats which I have no idea if I can even take with me. There is some awkward tension until Logan makes an inappropriate joke about my hospital gown and asks to give me a sponge bath, so they all usher him out of the room with a groan.

By the time Marcus and Lincoln enter, I feel the nerves deep in my gut. I may have a lot of people I consider family now, but if it weren’t for these two then something like this would have happened years ago. They were the first people to drag me back from the pits of hell and haven’t given up on me since.

They bump fists with me gently, mindful of my injuries and then take a seat next to my bed. The silence with them isn’t awkward, it’s comforting, the same way it always is, and for the first time in a long time I remember to appreciate how lucky I am to have met them. None of us say anything for a long while, just sit and enjoy the fact that we are here, that we are alive, and that we are together.

“So you decided she’s worth it?” Marcus finally asks, a little smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

I smile back, an effortless smile as I say, “No.” I shake my head, his grin fading instantly until I add, “I decided you were worth it, that my family is worth it, that I am worth it, I’ve just got to fight for it.”

My statement even draws a smile from Lincoln as he grunts, “Well we all know how much you love fighting.”

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