Page 43 of Reckless Rebel

“I erm, I just need a minute to clean up,” I reply weakly, needing him to leave me alone so I can gather myself.

“Sure thing, babe.” He kisses me again and then slips out of the door without a care in the world.

I lock the door behind him and then slump against it. I just lost my virginity. I just lost my virginity in the bathroom at a party and it wasn’t good, at least it wasn’t like how I had imagined it. I push off the door and move back to stand in front of the mirror, examining my reflection to see if anything looks different about me. Like I expect some part of my appearance to scream ‘non-virgin alert’ at me. Am I supposed to feel different? I don’t know, but I don’t. I feel the same. There was no earth shattering orgasm or declaration of love, it was just sex, and I can’t decide if I feel good or bad about that.

I take one last look at myself and decide I need another drink, a big one. I stumble from the bathroom, take one more deep breath, and then make my way back to the main area of the house. The hallways are littered with people half way to doing exactly what Rick and I just did, yet they all look more into it than I was. I shake the thoughts from my head and push past people trying to find Rick or Sienna, instead I spot Jace, because of course karma hates me.

He’s not alone, he’s with Elle and two other guys I remember from the last party, but I don’t know their names, but I am guessing one them must be Elle’s fiancé. They’re laughing and smiling together like they don’t have a care in the world, yet I still see that sadness lingering under Jace’s stare. I then watch as three girls approach him together and I see Elle roll her eyes, clearly used to his Playboy ways. The dark haired one of the trio reaches out and puts her hand on his arm and I see his subtle flinch, but she doesn’t stop, instead she reaches up like she is going to kiss him but he turns away and her mouth finds his cheek. I don’t know why that makes me happy, but it does.

“What are we staring at so intensely?” Sienna startles me, and I jump like I have been caught doing something wrong.

“Oh, erm.” I panic trying to come up with something but can’t so go with the truth. “Some girl trying and failing to kiss Jace,” I reply weakly.

“Oh yeah, that’s like, his thing,” she states casually, popping open a bottle of Champagne she got from only the lord knows where.

I frown, looking from him to her. “His thing? What does that mean?”

“He doesn’t kiss.” She shrugs, taking a swig from a bottle in her hand and then offering it to me.

“What do you mean he doesn’t kiss? I have seen him hook up with multiple girls since I’ve met him.” I take the bottle from her as she responds.

“Yeah and that’s all it is, he fucks them, gets them off and all that fun stuff, but he never kisses any of them.” I drink deeply as I process her words as she continues. “Rumor has it that it’s because of that Taylor chick that died, they were a thing or going to be, anyway all I know is that I heard he used to kiss girls all the time before her, and now he doesn’t.”

“That’s… I don’t even know, it's a little strange.” I drink some more, wanting the alcohol to relax the tension I am still feeling after what just happened in the bathroom. I think about telling Sienna, that’s what you do when you lose your V card right? Brag to your best friend, but I’m not really sure I want to.

“I think it’s nice,” she declares. “Kissing is personal, sex is just,” she shrugs. “I don’t know, just sex, it can mean nothing.”

Ain’t that the truth.

I just lost my virginity in the bathroom to my long-term friend turned boyfriend and I feel nothing. I turn back to Jace and watch how he won’t allow his eyes to settle on the girl with the dark hair. When I think back to the time I stalked his social media I remember the picture of the girl with the dark hair, was that Taylor? Is that why sadness clings to him like a second skin, why he drinks a little too much and more? Did the one he really want die before they even had a chance together?

When I think that I feel sad for him, but there is also a little niggly feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that feels a lot like jealousy. Why? I don’t know. But I do know that it shouldn’t be there. One of the blond girls slides up next to him now and starts caressing his chest and I chug more of the liquid from the bottle and let it bubble in my throat. She drags him to the dance floor and starts grinding against him, and I watch as his eyes glaze over and they start to move in sync with one another.

I feel like I might throw up as Sienna comments, “He’s sex on a stick though right?”

“There’s my girl,” Rick cuts through my thoughts as he slides his hands around my waist, letting himself be a lot more handsy than usual in public. I guess after what we just did he feels like he can have free reign.

“Hey.” My voice comes out all high pitched in a panic.

“Who’s sex on a stick?” He teases in a playful tone and I fluster.

“No one!” I exclaim at the same time Sienna replies, “Jace Conrad.”

A frown overtakes Rick’s face as he follows the way we were staring and finds Jace swaying with the girl. I wish I could enjoy the fact that he doesn’t seem too interested in her and is instead staring right back at me with a lazy drunken smile.

Rick’s hands drop from my waist with a scoff. “Seriously Riley? After what we just did in the bathroom?” His voice is raised and a few people look our way despite the music.

Sienna interrupts before I can reply, “What did you just do in the bathroom?” I feel her accusing stare on me, but I ignore it.

“Rick, please don’t start again.” I know I should feel guilty, should feel bad that he just caught me staring at Jace, but it’s suddenly becoming clear that the perfect thing I thought we had is far from it.

He has every right to be mad, I know that, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach that what we just did was a mistake. Not because I wasn’t ready or because it was in a bathroom, but because it was with him. We aren’t the couple I thought we were, the couple I was trying to make us be. There is nothing perfect about us, we have been fighting none stop, barely spending any time together, and even having sex didn’t change anything. I no longer want to keep offering him reassurances to comfort him, instead I feel angry, just so sick of dealing with his fragile ego.

He scoffs and looks at me with disinterest, “God and to think of the amount of girls I have turned down while being with you, and this is how you thank me, by drooling over someone else.” His voice is even more raised and people are starting to stare.

“Hardly,” I huff, standing my ground. “And I’m sorry I didn’t realize I was standing in the way of so many opportunities you have been missing out on. Please feel free to indulge.” I hold my hand out to gesture to a line of invisible girls, the anger coursing through me now. He just fucked me in the bathroom and then has the audacity to act like I am in the way of him fucking other girls.

He shakes his head. “You’re drunk and I’m out of here, it’s not even worth the argument.”

---