Page 24 of Unexpected Days

I throw all the contents of the paper bag on my bathroom counter and sigh. This was not part of my plan. I chug the three glasses of water and sit down on the edge of the bathtub, waiting until I have to pee. Of course, I always assumed the next time I’d be taking a pregnancy test I’d have someone on the other side of the door excitedly waiting for the results. This felt vaguely like college, when I’d take one after not having my period for a few months and pray I wasn’t pregnant.

Finally, I have to pee so I unwrap three tests and pee on each of them, setting them on the bathroom counter and setting the timer on my phone. Three minutes and I’ll know. Not that I know what I am going to do. I’d had an abortion in college after the morning after pill decided not to work and that idiot I was seeing at the time forgot to use a condom. But this feels different. This isn’t some random person’s baby; this isCody’sbaby. I know if he were here, he’d be talking about names and asking what he could do. Then again, he isn’t here. So if I do this, I’ll have to do it alone. The timer bings and I brace myself for the results.

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

Fuck. My. Life. I throw them each in the bathroom garbage and lift up my shirt. I know a bump hasn’t magically appeared since looking at the tests, but I can’t help it. There is a baby in there. Well, a sack of cells that will one day be a baby. But I suddenly felt a strong maternal urge to protect it.Am I ready to be a mom? Is anyone ever ready?There are plenty of single parents out there.Why can’t I be one of them?

Part of me wants to call Riley and tell her, but I don’t. I can’t ask her to keep this from Sawyer, not when I don’t even know what I’m doing yet. I am alone in this decision since Cody still won’t pick up my calls. I try him once more, just in case, but it goes straight to voicemail.Will I truly never hear from him again? Do I even want to hear from him again? How can he just cut me out of his life without so much as a second thought?Even if he picked up, I’m not sure what I’d tell him. I know if I told him about the baby he’d come back running. But now, I’m not sure if that’s something I even want anymore.

I’m eating my feelings in cheese doodles since I can’t drink anymore. Fuck, I have to make a doctor’s appointment to confirm everything’s okay. I have no idea how pregnant I can possibly be, we’d had so many close calls with broken condoms or forgetting completely. This can be new or a few months along. Considering I am already sick, I am probably at least three months pregnant which is terrifying. I shove more cheese doodles in my mouth and lick my fingers clean. I’ll be getting fat anyway so who cares what I eat? It’s not like there is anyone here to tell me otherwise.

My phone rings across the room but I ignore it, whoever it is, I don’t want to talk to them. Molly had been instructed to keep my pregnancy to herself and truthfully, I trust that girl with my life. She has no reason to tell anyone at work or otherwise. My phone rings again, but I still don’t budge. It’s only when my doorbell rings that I grumble and get off the couch.

“Coming!” I yell. “Who is it?” I call through the door.

“Cody.” My heart stops beating.

“What are you doing here?” I swing open the door and look at him confused. There he stands in his red and black flannel, his Jack Daniels T-Shirt ,and a pair of dark wash jeans.Signature Cody.

“I needed to talk to you.” He sighs. “Can I come in?”

I step aside and let him in. I catch him looking at me and I realize I’m dressed in just his t-shirt, I hadn’t even thought to put pants on first.

“I’m sorry, I needed to talk to you.” He looks away.

“Now? I haven’t heard from you in days,” I growl.

“Yeah, I’m finally ready,” he says like its no big deal.

“What do you have to say?”

“I don’t know.” His eyes meet mine for the first time, and I feel sick to my stomach. Not because of the baby, but because of the way he’s looking at me.

“You had days to think of something, anything to say, and that’s the best you can do?”

“It’s not like it’s been a glorious few days for me, you know. I had to imagine you and him over and over.” His anger is growing.

“Then why are you here?” I repeat. It’s not like anyone knows about the baby, so he can’t be here because of that.Does he somehow know?Is this when I am supposed to tell him?I don’t want him to stay with me because of this like it was the 1950s and we’d pretend we were happy. That is the last thing I want.

“I want us to work on things,” he says, and my head snaps up. I hadn’t expected that.

“What?”

“I don’t trust you right now, but I still love you. And if this is going to work, we need to rebuild that trust.”

“What if I don’t want that?”

It’s him who looks surprised now. “What do you mean?”

“You left me, all alone with no way to talk to you. You ghosted me, making me think I’d never hear from you again.”

“I just needed some time to process things.”

“You’re always talking about how we’re a couple and this is serious, but at the first sight of trouble, you ran.” I’m angry now. I’ve experienced enough loss in my life, I don’t need to go through any more of it. Who’s to say he won’t get overwhelmed by things and take off again?

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