Page 28 of Wicked Love
A sense of hopelessness swept over me. It was out now. I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t said it.
I sank down onto the sofa and rubbed my hand over my face. My gaze focused vaguely on the wall across from me.
“I hardly think I deserve to bealive,” I said hoarsely. “I got this second chance thanks to the liver transplant—because someone else, some other kid, died instead of me. I sure as hell didn’t earn that. And my illness, even after the transplant, totally messed up my family. My parents were arguing a lot after I got sick and while I was recovering… They weren’t really on good terms even when my mom died.”
Maddie lowered herself onto the sofa next to me and clasped my hand. I let her, but I couldn’t bear to look at her.
She twined her fingers with mine. “You have to know none of that was your fault. You were sick. You didn’t have any choice in the matter. The kid whose liver you got would have died whether you needed the liver or not. And if the situation put that much of a strain on your parents, then their marriage wasn’t that strong to begin with. That’s not on you.”
“I just don’t see why I should have gotten to live and not someone else.” My head drooped. “I’ve tried to convince myself that I’ve earned it by helping people as much as I can—finding things for them and getting justice when they needed it. But doingthathas led me into all kinds of dark territory I can’t say I’m really happy about… Why do you think I’ve worked so hard to shield you and everyone else I care about from who I’ve become?”
“Logan—”
I shook my head to cut her off. “It’s fine if I end up getting hurt while I’m protecting people—helping people—the best ways I can. I’ve already gotten so many more years than I was originally supposed to. But I’ve got to draw the line somewhere. I don’t want to see anyone getting caught in the crossfire.”
With those last words, I sagged into the sofa cushions. My entire abdomen felt hollow, as if I’d been wrung out by my confession—all the things I’d never admitted to anyone out loud before.
What the hell could I say now? What could Maddie say to me? Now she knew just how fucked up I was.
But she didn’t shy away. She scooted closer on the sofa and wrapped her arms around me, resting her head against my shoulder.
“Don’t you know how many good things you’ve already done?” she said softly. “If you hadn’t gotten a second chance, you wouldn’t have been there in junior high to stand up to the kids who were bullying me. You made me feel thatIwas worthy of more, of being treated better—of demanding better for myself and everyone else.”
I turned my head toward her for the first time, her words wrenching at me. “Of course you deserved better.”
She touched my cheek, holding my gaze with her gorgeous blue eyes. “You say that so easily for me but not for yourself. But—you think I’m so amazing? It wasyourconfidence that inspired me to take more stands myself. I wouldn’t be who I am without you in my life. And the darkness you’ve gotten mixed up in could be the reason we finally find justice for my dad. I can’t believe there’s anything wrong with that.”
I couldn’t argue away the conviction or the admiration in her words. It was hard to wrap my head around the picture of me she was painting, but there was no denying that Maddie believed it. And if she believed it, with that keen mind of hers and her unshakeable moral code, then who was I to debate the subject?
I pulled her closer to me, tucking her legs over my lap and nestling her head under my chin. She relaxed into my embrace, her body melding against mine as if there was no place else she was meant to ever be.
But that wasn’t totally the case. Therewereother places she belonged—other guys she belonged with.
And maybe, if I absorbed some of her compassion and generosity, I could admit that it was possible Beckett was one of those guys.
He hadn’t done a single thing to hurt Maddie, which was more than I could say for myself. If I looked over all our interactions and what Dexter had reported back after their meeting, it’d appeared he was doing everything in his power to protect her.
Maybe I’d been too hard on him because of how hard I was on myself, not because of anything definitively horrible that he’d actually done.
It was going to take time before I’d fully accept what Maddie had said, but my spirits lightened as I held her close. The space inside me no longer felt so empty.
If I could have cuddled there with her for the rest of my days, I thought I’d have been perfectly happy with that as my life.
But of course, I was never going to getthatlucky. We’d been tucked together for maybe ten minutes when Maddie’s phone pinged with a text alert.
She eased back just enough to retrieve it from her pocket. The screen cast a starker glow across her face.
“It’s Beckett,” she said, and tensed slightly as if in anticipation of another caustic remark from me.
A twinge of hostility rippled through me, but I let it pass. “What’s he got to say?” I asked, keeping my tone even.
Maddie shot me a gentle smile that made my effort worthwhile before her gaze flicked back to the screen. Her forehead furrowed. “He says he needs to talk to all of us about something important. He wants to know if he can come over—he’ll be discreet.”
She glanced at me again, waiting for my answer. I dragged in a breath and acknowledged to myself what I’d been fighting so hard to avoid.
We needed Beckett and his resources. And maybe, just maybe, the woman in my arms needed him too.
“Sure,” I said. “I’ll call in Slade and Dexter. Let him know we should all be here within the hour to hear his big news.”
