Page 42 of Count Down

And hot or cold, I want Luca. I’m patient enough to get to know him slowly. I know he’s not someone that opens up right away. He’s complicated under his rugged surface. But I’ll take that journey with him, as long as he wants me there.

When I get home, I start working on my bed. As much as I’d like to stay at Luca’s every night, this is my place and I should have a bed here. I tip the mattress off of the collapsed frame and lean it against the wall.

It looks like some of the bolts came loose, and the rails fell off the frame. Putting them on by hand wasn’t enough. One of the allen wrenches Luca gave me fits and it doesn’t take long for me to re-attach everything. I tighten the bolts and rattle the bed frame to make sure it’s sturdy. It’s got to be strong enough to hold Luca. I put the mattress back on and remake the bed.

I shoot over to the pilates studio to teach a class before I have another rehearsal. I think I’ve got an idea of how I want to end my piece. It came to me while I was fixing my bed, with thoughts of Luca floating in the back of my mind.

I’ve always known this piece was a reflection of my own life. And I’ve struggled with the end because I don’t really know where my journey will take me. I’m still on it. But I know what I want in this moment, and that’s what I’ll reflect in this piece.

On my way over to the dance studio, I text Ivan, another corps dancer in PBT. I ask him if he’d be available to join the finale of my piece.

33

LUCA

Today I’m backin Mateo’s office with him and Raf. We’re planning our next steps with the Russians and how we want to go about it. My head’s not in it. I’m trying to contribute just enough in the discussion to avoid any questions.

“Luca?” Mateo asks pointedly, finally making me get more involved in the conversation. “You know the Russians the best. You think this will go as we plan?” We might not have the same relationship we had growing up, but he trusts me more than anyone. That’s both saying a lot and a little because Mateo doesn’t trust anyone.

“Does anything?” I lean over the desk we’ve been working at and run the details through my head again.

“Your body count says it usually does,” Mateo replies. I can see him look at Raf for an explanation. Raf returns him a shrug of his shoulders.

“They’re backed into enough of a corner,” I say. “They have limited options. If they don’t have another deal with someone else, I think we’re good. Solonik’s sloppy and arrogant. If he was trying to make a deal with the Irish, the Polish, or anyone else, we’d have seen it.” I lean back in my chair. “I don’t think we have to worry about them double crossing us. I think we do have to worry about Solonik and his crew being sloppy and getting us busted.”

It takes us a while to finalize the details of the plan in order to minimize our risk of going down with Solonik. Eventually, when we’ve got our working orders, Raf and I head out of Mateo’s.

“How are things with Gina?” Raf asks in the elevator.

I just grunt and shrug. I can’t stop thinking about her, but I wasn’t ready to talk about her. It makes me regret letting Raf meet her.

“Maybe her and Caroline should hang out sometime. Caroline could let her know what it’s like dating … someone in our profession.”

“It’s over,” I reply, unsure whether I’m lying or telling the truth. Raf just thinks it’s like him and Caroline. That Gina’s some girl hesitant about getting caught up in the mafia. He doesn’t know she’s Nicoletti’s daughter.

As we walk across the lobby, Raf says “Let me know if you need anything.”

I ignore him and turn out the door down Walnut Street in the opposite direction he’s going.

I’m not sure where Gina and I are. The last thing I want to do is leave her. The Russians are planning something, and I need to protect her. But I’m going to kill her father in a few days. As heartless as I can be, I couldn’t kill Gina’s father and then lie to her face and pretend I had nothing to do with it. I could get away with it, but I couldn’t do that to her. She deserves more than that.

On my way home, I text Ethan Pace. He works at the DA’s office and occasionally sells us information.

Can you meet?

He replies just as I get home.

8pm? Dirty Frank’s?

I text him back.

See you then.

I head up to my shop to work on the electronics I’ll use to kill Nicoletti. It’s painful. It’s like digging a grave for any future I could have with Gina. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever enjoyed killing someone. I’ve been able to train myself to not care. To distance myself from the reality of the aftermath. Like squashing a spider that’s crawled into your house.

But this is fucking painful. I’m too close to someone it will impact. And the problem is I want to stay close to her. I know what it’s like to lose someone. To lose someone to a random, senseless accident. Mateo’s mother, Marguerite, was run over by a car that ran on to the sidewalk in that hit and run. She was my mother, too, in all the ways that matter.

“Accidental” deaths are more convenient than murder. But I know how much it fucks with you when you lose someone that way. I had nobody to blame when Marguerite died. There was nobody I could hate or kill for revenge. It made me feel cursed. No one was to blame. No human out to kill those I loved. It was just the universe or some kind of god, if there is one, that took her away.

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