Page 18 of Count Down

In my world, I don’t deserve anything good. Anything I’ve ever loved has been torn away from me or gets destroyed by getting too close to me.

I could never be with her. The world would never allow it.

Why else would it choose me to kill her father?

16

GINA

I feellike I’m floating a few inches off the ground after my session with Luca. What was that kiss? It was something. I’m sure he doesn’t kiss everyone goodbye. He’s not like that.

I felt the spark, the thrill of the moment lighting up my whole body. But I didn’t expect him to act on it. I’m glad he did. I’m definitely attracted to him. But I also just imagined that he didn’t find me attractive in that way. I always imagined that he saw me as a kid. I talk to him about arguments with my father and being afraid of moving out. Things I assumed he’d think were childish and immature.

I can’t stop thinking about that kiss. It was so quick, I keep wondering if I imagined it.

I grab a late lunch after I leave the studio. I decide to go take the open level ballet class this afternoon. Since our season is officially over, staying in shape is up to us, but PBT has a school that offers a lot of adult classes and we can go to them whenever we want.

The class feels really good. Like really good. I’m buzzing with energy after being with Luca and I channel it all into class.

I can’t concentrate, but I also feel like I don’t need to. I don’t even think about the combinations after they’re demonstrated. Everything falls into place today. I can let my body take over and just breathe through every movement. It feels almost perfect. The music flows into me, more vibrant than I’ve ever felt before, and I just let it all radiate out of me. And I love it. It’s the kind of dancing that just feels so great and you wish it would never stop. I don’t have words for what I’m feeling right now, but I don’t need them.

Alvaro, our company director is teaching the class. And he notices how I’m doing as well.

“Yes, Gina! Yes!” He yells as I flow across the floor with my group. Every move seems to rise and fall at exactly the right moment. When I get back in line, Lexi nods at me approvingly. I smile back at her.

The whole class felt amazing. I thought it would help calm me down, but I’m not just floating anymore, I’m flying.

After class, Lexi follows me to the dressing room. She showed up just as class was starting, so we didn’t get to talk earlier.

“I heard back from the apartment manager!” She grabs both of my hands as she tells me the news. “They approved our application. We just need to confirm we want it, set a move-in date, and pay the deposits!”

We hug and bounce together in excitement. It almost feels unreal. Am I really moving out? Is it really time to cut out and take control of my own life?

“Okay,” I try to catch my breath. “How much do we need to pay to move in?”

“With deposits and the up-front payments, we’d owe $1,500 each.”

“Ok.” I think. It’s more than I have right now. I didn’t know we’d find a place we liked this quickly and I thought I’d have more time to save up. I’ve got about $900 right now. I don’t want to back out of this. “Let me talk to my parents tonight.”

“I’m so excited!” Lexi squeals and hugs me again. “I can’t wait to never see, hear, or smell my roommate’s boyfriend ever again!”

On my drive home, I can feel my energy start to crash. I’m coming down off the high from the kiss with Luca. Even my excitement from class is fading. I’m very much looking forward to moving out and getting a place with Lexi. But I’m not looking forward to talking to my parents or trying to figure out how I can get the rest of the money.

When I pull into the driveway, I see the living room lights are on. Sometimes my parents go out on the weekends, and I was hoping this would be one of them so I could be at home alone to think. No such luck tonight. I know I need to talk to them, but I’ll take any excuse not to.

I walk in the house and set my dance bag down at the bottom of the stairs. I head into the kitchen to find something to eat.

There’s a blue and yellow brochure on the usually empty island. My mother never lets anything sit out on the counter longer than it needs to.

It’s a college brochure.Drexel University.

I try to ignore it and what it might mean. I go to the fridge and grab a protein shake.

I hear footsteps on the tile. When I turn around, my father is standing next to the island.

“I want you to look at this.” He taps his middle finger firmly onto the brochure. “You missed the application deadline for fall. The winter entry deadline is October 11th. You should be able to get everything in by then.”

We’ve never talked about Drexel. He’s just picked it for me. He probably hates admitting that I couldn’t get into University of Pennsylvania or some other Ivy League.

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