Page 47 of Blood of Night (The Thorne Hill)

“On the fact that you were hypothermic with severe blood loss when she brought you in. You’re going to be okay, right?”

“Right.”

“Thank you,” Melinda tells me.

“Of course,” I say, knowing this was more or less my fault in a sense. I was the one who roped Easton into helping me break into the Order’s warehouse. Who the djinn attached to…I can’t be certain. Both Easton and I long for something so much it hurts, making us both ideal candidates. Easton could throw me under the bus right now, blame me for getting him involved. It was the exact reason he didn’t want to help in the first place, and I hate that he’s right.

When it comes to Lucas, I won’t let anything stand in my way. My friends were worried Lucas would be the one doing something irrational in the sake of saving me, but they had it mixed up. Because in the end, I’m the one acting without consequence.

ChapterTwenty-One

Iturn the scarab over in my hands, still unable to pick up on any bad vibes. Only two hours have passed since I got home from the hospital, and Juliet is asleep in her bassinet next to my bed. The baby monitor is tucked into the pocket of my robe, though my familiars are more than capable of alerting me if she wakes up.

I’m on the little stoop near the library. We rarely use this door, though eventually we plan to take the headstones and have them made into a path leading from here to the pool. We think this door was originally used for patients to come in and out of since the original owner was a doctor. Someday, when I have loads of spare time, I’ll go to the Thorne Hill library and see if I can find all the old property records and old photos of this house.

This house called to me the first time I saw it, back when I was just a teenager exploring the woods around the Covenstead door,maybehoping to run into a demon to kill. I dreamed about fixing it up back then, but quickly realized there was no way I could ever afford it on my own. My little brick house down the road was expensive enough to update, and it took me years and lots of my own blood, sweat, and tears to get it to where it is. It could still use a big plumbing update, if I’m being honest.

Lucas bought this house for me not just because he knew how much I loved it. He knew from the very start that we would build a life together, and what a life we’ve built.

“Keep hanging on,” I whisper, looking up at the stars. “I will find a way to save you, my love.” Tears roll down my face and I suck back my emotions once again. Opening a black velvet bag full of salt, I put the oracle in and take it inside. I enchanted a box to keep the bag in, being cautious…and Scarlet is standing guard over the box while I sleep.

Heating up a plate of the taco casserole Kristy brought over, I quietly go upstairs and into the sitting area of our room to eat while watching over Juliet. I’ve heard people mention “mom guilt” but I never got what it really was until I had my own child.

And right now I’m feeling not just guilty, but inadequate.

I love my daughter more than anything and know I can be the best mom to her…just under different circumstances. It was too hard for me to keep myself on the schedule at work due to the constant threat of danger and demons. Who am I kidding to think I can raise a child? The blissful first two weeks of her life almost seem like a cruel joke from the universe, showing me how wonderful things can be before ripping the rug out from under my feet.

Because now I’m sitting here questioning if I’m selfish for keeping her with me. Would she be better off somewhere else? Living with Abby or another family all together?

“No,” I whisper. “No one can protect her like we can.” If someone were to go after her, they’ll have to get through me. But then again, the chances of something going after her are because of me.

Pandora rubs against my legs, helping me calm down a bit.

“You’re right,” I say when she reminds me Lucas would give me a stern look and then pull me in for a hug, reminding me that I’m doing an amazing job at being a mom. “And he will, once I figure out how to save him.”

I silently eat my food, brush my teeth, and then get into bed. My hand falls on the empty spot next to me, heart aching. Each day that passes makes more and more doubt grow in my mind that things will work out—again. I can only get lucky so many times, and sometimes what is lost stays that way forever.

I’ve just fallen asleep when Juliet wakes up, and I bring her in bed with me. Propping my arms and her little body up with pillows, I lay back and end up falling asleep myself as she nurses.

I don’t wake for nearly an hour, and when I do, it’s in a panic that I suffocated my daughter. But she’s sound asleep, and Freya is snuggled up next to us. Knowing she won’t be able to seamlessly go from my arms to her bassinet, I put her in the swing instead. I crawl back to bed, making it another few hours before having to get up and feed Juliet again.

And again.

And again.

And fucking again not even five minutes after I put her down. I’m exhausted when I go downstairs, giving up on sleep a little after six AM.

“You look like shit,” Eliza says, surprising me when I see her in the kitchen cutting up vegetables.

“Thanks,” I sigh and go to the butler’s pantry to start a pot of coffee. “Any chance you’re making me a veggie pot pie?”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because I have to eat.”

“Unlike my maker, I don’t cook human food.”

I peer through the doorway, one eyebrow raised. “But you’ll chop up veggies for your pigs?”

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