Page 49 of The Yes Factor

“That was my marriage. That was every step of my twenties, thirties, hell, half of my forties. I don’t know what happened. One day I finally moved. I finally woke up. Have you ever had one of those dreams?”

I let out a loud sigh that’s almost a laugh, and then before I know it my eyes are welling up and I feel like I’m about to start bawling. I want to crawl up into Adam’s arms. I want to feel safe and loved and wanted. I want to feel awake. Alive.

I hastily wipe away the tears that are now falling. “Welcome to my life.”

Adam brushes a tear away with his thumb. I imagine just letting go so I can rest my cheek in the palm of his strong hand.

“You’ll wake up. Everybody’s got their alarm clock. You just have to make sure you hear it, make sure you recognize the sound of it.” As he says this, we’re drawing closer together like two connecting ends of a magnet. Our lips are almost touching.

But Derby lets out a loud flurry of barks that jolts Adam and me out of our moment, then she breaks into a sprint worthy of winning her namesake.

“Derby! Stop!” Adam runs to get her. I follow breathlessly, the sound of my heartbeat pulsing in my ears. I feel electrified with feeling, synapses bursting, a whole whirlwind of intricate physical and mental miracles happening in my body. I yell out a whoop of energy. Up ahead Adam has captured Derby and they’re both waiting for me.

I finally reach them, completely winded. Laughing as I try to recover my breath.

“Here we are! You ready for this?” Adam looks at me as he strains to hold on to Derby’s leash.

We’ve reached the top of the vertiginous stairs, one long line down to the beach. Adam looks around sneakily. “I know I shouldn’t do this, but what the hell. She loves it too much.” He unhooks Derby’s leash—after all that chasing, he’s now setting her free—and she makes a break for it, a bolt of fluffy fur gleefully racing toward the beach. “She’ll wait at the bottom of the stairs. When James breaks the rules and lets her go, he gives her her favorite treats, so she won’t budge until she gets her chicken.”

He takes one step, then turns to look back at me, extends his hand. “Come on.” His energy and enthusiasm are contagious.

The stairs are indeed sturdier than the old ones Ethan and I would use. My legs are moving fast, an aerobic dance as I tap my way downward. Adam is doing a kind of half jog. His tall body, lithe and muscled, moves with ease down the stairs.

He even takes some two at a time.

After giving Derby a handful of dried chicken, Adam runs down to the water’s edge with Derby sprinting in front of him. Having reached the wet sand, he turns toward my direction. His silhouette framed by the crashing waves behind him. A man, the ocean. Maybe it’s being winded from the cascading flight of stairs, but I feel breathless at the sight. He beckons to me and I run/walk to meet him; the sand pouring into my tennis shoes.

“Let’s go in,” Adam says. And I know he’s talking to me this time because Derby’s already wading in, her shaggy mane soggily draped around her.

“In the water? But I don’t have my bathing suit on.”

“Me neither.” Adam peels off his T-shirt to reveal a pale midsection, padded from a little too much German beer drinking, but still pleasingly solid and sculpted.

“I don’t know…” I try to remember what underwear I put on today, if it has holes. I know for sure I didn’t coordinate bra and panties, let alone sexy lingerie bra and panties. Today’s a Hanes day, and hopefully a Hanes day without any holes. Either way, not something I want to publicize.

“It’ll be fine. There’s hardly anyone here.”

“I’m okay. I’ll stand guard. Like Hasselhoff.” I cringe.

Why can’t I just let go? What’s holding me back from racing into the water with him? I feel so self-conscious all of a sudden, butterfly wings beating fast in my stomach. I’m sure he can hear my heart racing. A vision of Francois and me quickly enters my head. It’s one thing to throw away inhibitions when tipsy in an anonymous hotel room. But this, with Adam, this connection and energy. I don’t remember the last time I felt it.

“At least get your feet wet.” He points to my still shoed feet.

Realizing that I’m acting like a nun, I untie my shoes. But what about my toenails, and my lack of toenail, I think to myself. My pedicure is practically all worn off after the day of soaking, sunning, and scrubbing at Sunny Dale. Say yes, I hear a voice say in my head. It’s Bex’s voice. Strange to hear my mantra in her voice, giving me my own advice. It’s a lot harder to actually do. I make a mental note to apologize to Bex for how much I’ve pushed her throughout this week.

Screw it. I kick off my shoes, but then try to burrow my toes into the sand.

Adam doesn’t even notice.

“Last chance!” He pulls off his jeans then turns to dash into the surf. I assess his navy blue, cotton boxer briefs as he bodysurfs into a coming wave. Okay, so he’s not Marky Mark Calvin Klein era, but he still looks damn good for mid-forties. Putting aside superficial physicality, it’s his confidence that is the most attractive. The comfortable and easy quality of a man at peace with himself.

“It’s beautiful,” he yells out. “Like you!”

The sound of the waves almost obscures that last part. But I heard it.

I walk in, and the cool water envelops my feet. I wiggle my feet and scoop up a bit of wet sand with my toes. It feels good. It feels free. A wave sneaks up and splashes over my knees, almost wetting my shorts. I squeal and jump back onto the dry sand.

Adam’s making his way out of the water and stands in my fading footprints.

---