Page 12 of Redemption

Chapter 10

At precisely 10:00 am,I walked into Blacklight Securities. I’d stewed all night about whether I really wanted to walk down this road. It was the first night my mind had been occupied by something other than death. Each time I thought about my night, Mistress Jasmine’s mask-covered face flashed in my mind and each time, I decided, yes, I wanted to know what submitting to her would be like. Whether it turned out to be for me or not, I had no idea. But, I didn’t want to add one more regret to my life. It was already full enough with them.

“Enter.” Connor’s voice sounded behind the closed door after I knocked.

I entered his office and headed to my usual spot, the love seat that butted up against the wall next to the bar. Considering it was still morning, I avoided pouring myself a glass of Jameson. Blacklight Securities’ clientele was high profile, so Connor kept a well-stocked bar of top-shelf liquor in his office for clients. Nothing like booze to schmooze with the upper-class folks.

I waited patiently as Connor reviewed paperwork on his desk. After a few minutes, my patience began to wear thin, and just as I started to say something, he removed his reading glasses, set them on the desk, and reclined in his chair.

“Well then, I guess we’ll get right into it. Tell me what you know about BDSM.”

I thought about things I’d heard, which, truthfully, wasn’t much. “I have a swinger friend who’s told me some things, but it was more about partner swapping and not much more than that. I know it has to do with tying people up and hitting them. You know, whips and chains, and such. Kinky shit like that.”

Connor blinked. And blinked again. Then, his head dropped to his chest, and he burst out laughing. After he got himself under control, he looked at me, an occasional chuckle continuing to escape.

“Sorry. It just cracks the shit out of me what people think BDSM is. No wonder the vanilla community thinks we’re freaks. Let me educate you, my friend. We’ll start with the basics. BDSM stands for several things: bondage and discipline, Domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. Because you said Jasmine told you to specifically ask about submission, we’ll start there. Submission is different for everyone. It’s about giving up control and trusting your Dom to know what you need, even when you don’t. It’s about communication. It’s also about power.”

At this, I had to interrupt, because I didn’t understand how submission equated to power. “I’m confused. If I’m submitting to someone, how in the hell does that make me powerful? When I think submission, I think weakness.” Except I hadn’t felt weak at all last night.

“Ever hear of power exchange?”

I nodded. “Mistress Jasmine mentioned it, but didn’t explain what it was.”

“There’s a dynamic between a Dom and his, or her, sub called a power exchange. It isn’t always about sex. It’s about that emotional connection. You trust your Dom to give you what you need: sexually, emotionally, or spiritually. You give her the power. Hence, power exchange. However, if there comes a time where you can’t take what your Dom is giving you, you use a safe word and whatever is happening stops.”

He waited while I processed what he was telling me. I guess it made sense, sort of. I still didn’t understand how I could be submissive. I mean, I got the sexual concept. Being told how to pleasure Mistress Jasmine hadn’t been a hardship. Apparently, I liked a bossy woman. What I didn’t understand was the emotional and spiritual aspect. Maybe it was one of those things you needed to put into practice to understand.

“Okay, I get the safe word. If I’m with Jasmine and she does something I don’t like, I can say a word, and she has to stop what she’s doing?”

“Yes. This is where the trust comes in. Jasmine is going to push you past where you’re comfortable. I know this for a fact. You have to trust her to catch you when you fall. Domination and submission are extremely cathartic. They both allow you to purge your emotions without fear of judgment. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside you isn’t healthy, Miles.”

I ignored Connor’s pointed stare.

“What about you, Connor? From what I witnessed last night, you’re clearly a Dominant. How does it feel to be able to tell Bridget what to do and she has to listen to you?”

As though I’d said something hilarious, Connor burst out laughing again. I was getting a little irritated at him laughing at my expense.

“Have you not met my fiancée? Do you really think I tell Bridget what to do under normal circumstances? And that she would actually listen to me if I did? She’d rip my balls off.” His expression changed from jovial to serious in the blink of an eye. “I’m only sharing this because you need to be educated to make an informed decision if this thing with Jasmine is truly something you want to pursue. Otherwise, what goes on in Bridget’s and my sex life is none of your damn business.”

I nodded my understanding.

“I grew up in an abusive home. My stepfather physically abused me to the point that I have severe scarring on my body. When I discovered that causing pain during sex turned me on, I thought I was just like him. That I was an abuser. I suppressed my needs, my emotions. I kept a part of myself hidden from Bridget, because I was ashamed of who I was. Of the things I enjoyed. I never felt whole. Her total submission to my needs changed me. It also changed her.

“By her accepting the pain, it makes our pleasure greater. I could purge the negative thoughts about being an abuser, because Bridget’s pleasure is intensified, and even sweeter, because of the opposing pain. She trusts me not to cause her harm. If things are too much, I trust her to use her safe word.”

My mind was in awe of what he described. I had no idea the kinds of secrets Connor had been keeping from me.

“So, you enjoy causing pain? And Bridget enjoys, um, taking it? I’m not trying to be disrespectful. I’m just trying to wrap my head around what you’re describing.”

“She enjoys the pleasure that overrides the pain. She accepts the pain, because causing it is what I need. I also know that she needs to submit. She needs to give up control sometimes. You’ve met Bridget. She’s a sassy, spitfire who doesn’t take shit from anyone. But she spent years grieving over giving up Alex for adoption. She didn’t want to give her heart to anyone. Emotionally, she felt out of control. By submitting to the different Doms at Eden, it was a way for her to release all the pent up grief and emotion she had buried inside.”

Again, Connor gave me that look. The one I’d been pointedly ignoring for months now.

I sighed in resignation. “So, you think that submission will cure me of whatever ails me? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I think that submitting to Jasmine,” he emphasized her name, “will help free you of your burdens so you can rediscover how strong you really are. You’re my best friend, Miles. I’m not going to beat around the bush with you. Right now, you’re letting your guilt over what happened with Malcolm control you. That is making you weak. Being able to free those emotions through your submission will allow you to just feel. No thoughts are needed beyond pleasing your mistress. Once you let go of everything, you can finally start to heal.”

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