Page 38 of Desire

Chapter 29

“Doyou know that you’re only the second woman to see my scars? The one and only time I fucked a woman fully naked, she turned away in disgust. I was still conditioned to be this cowardly boy, and it crippled me with insecurities. I had been programmed to think I wasn’t good enough. This translated into how I saw myself in other’s eyes. Add in that one moment of abhorrence and it set the stage for every sexual encounter I had from that moment forward.

“Every now and then, but even more so since this investigation into Alex started, the memories of the abuse come back. Talking about what happened triggered a nightmare. Everything about that day came back to me. It happens sometimes, but I’m used to it. In truth, I think it makes me more appreciative of everything I have now, including you.”

I couldn’t resist her. The fact that she’d shed tears for me astounded me. I couldn’t remember someone caring this much about me since my mother. It was a lot to wrap my head around. When a person has felt one way for so long, it takes time to break the cycle. And I was ready to break the cycle. I wanted to start a new life with Bridget. And God willing, with Alex. I knew that he was being abused by that piece of shit, but Webber hadn’t been able to prove it. It took everything in me not to kill that son of a bitch. I needed to figure out a way to get Alex away from Malcolm permanently, and I needed to figure it out soon. I’d focus on it tomorrow. Right now, my beautiful sub was lying next to me, and my attention needed to be focused solely on her.

“Now, less talking and more fucking.”

“But, Sir —”

She squeaked when I rolled us over so I now lay on top of her.

“I said we’re done talking, Bridget.”

She quickly closed her mouth. I needed to lengthen the leash on the beast a little. I had been reining him in, but I could feel him trying to claw his way out. It terrified me to release him completely though. I’d been a member of Eden long enough to know that there were Doms who enjoyed giving pain and subs who equally enjoyed receiving it. Rationally, I knew there was nothing wrong with that, but there were times when I was afraid I would lose control. That I would take it too far. In the back of my head I heard the laugh of the abusive bastard who used to beat me, taunting me that I was just like him.

I didn’t want to hide my true self from Bridget, but I also didn't want to lose her. She’d already chewed my ass once for not communicating with her enough. We had fallen into a pattern where our lust took over. While we had finally discussed limits and I knew her safe word, I had failed in my job as a Dom to trust myself, and most importantly, my sub. To trust that if what I was doing became too much, she would use her safe word. Now was the time. Especially after the nightmare. It was time to try and banish the ugly thoughts and be true to who I am.

---