Page 24 of Desire

Chapter 18

It had beenthe week from hell. I spent almost every day since Monday with the mother of all headaches. It all started on Sunday evening when Connor called and even though I pushed as hard as I could, he refused to tell me what Alex’s uncle was being investigated for. Then, on Monday evening, I got a call from my security company about an alarm going off at the store. Police had been dispatched when the security monitors showed someone had tried to break in through the back door. I met the police there to make sure that nothing had been stolen.

On Wednesday night, someone had thrown a brick through the front window so I had to close up shop for the next two days while it was being replaced. I’d barely slept a wink all week, especially after the phone call from Connor, who I hadn’t seen since Eden last Saturday.

I was stressed beyond my limit, and any second now, I was going to break. Not that I didn’t want to meet Alex, but I was so nervous. What would we talk about? How would I explain to him my reasons for giving him up?

We had decided on a neutral place for the meeting so we chose the city park. I got there an hour early but was a ball of nervous energy, and I couldn’t sit still. I traveled from one bench to the swings, back to another bench. I sat for five minutes before I bounced back to the swings. I sat in one and kicked my legs to propel me further in the air. Back and forth I swung, thinking about how my life would be different if I had kept Alex. I don’t know why I tortured myself with coulda, woulda, shoulda, but the thoughts snuck up on me at least once every few days.

I was on a downward swing when I spotted them. I dug my heels into the ground to stop my momentum and brought myself to a halt. I stood up from the swing, and as they got closer, I braced myself for the first good look at my son. Pictures weren’t the same as seeing someone in the flesh, and he’d dashed away so quickly at the restaurant that I never got a great look. After what felt like an eternity, they reached the place I stood. We all stood there, the tension so thick I could have cut it with a knife. I ran my gaze up and down Alex, memorizing everything about him. My whole body was shaking.

Connor was the one to finally break the silence. “Alex, this is Bridget.”

He gave a shy smile and little wave. “Hi.”

Tears threatened, but I tried to hold them back. I returned his smile with a watery smile of my own. “Hi. It’s nice to meet you, Alex.” I was suddenly self-conscious and drew a blank on what to say next. Oh, God, he’s going to hate me. I don’t even know what to say to my own son.

Again, Connor saved the day. “Maybe you guys could go sit over there and talk. Get to know each other.” He pointed to the closest park bench surrounded by colorful flowers and greenery.

Alex shrugged and headed over there. I was a little slow to follow. Connor touched my arm. “Relax. He’s nervous too, you know. Talk to him like a normal kid. Ask him about school, his hobbies. Don’t worry about getting too deep today unless he wants to. Just get to know each other. You’ll be fine.” He bussed a light kiss on my cheek and swatted me on the butt to get me moving.

His words and the swat were the kick in the pants I needed. This meek and mild person was not who I was. I was strong. I could do this.

Alex had already taken a seat on the bench so I sat down next to him. Connor left us alone, but still remained in sight. I looked over at Alex and wondered what he was thinking. “I bet you have a lot of questions for me.” Nothing like breaking the ice.

He drew designs in the dirt with his toes and shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

Wow, this was harder than I thought. “Feel free to ask. I’ll try to answer as honestly as I can.”

He didn’t say anything for a minute. I could tell he was forming a question. “Why?”

And there it was. The million dollar question. I assumed he meant why I gave him up. “Why did I give you up for adoption?” I clarified, just to make sure we were on the same page.

He nodded tightly.

I took a deep breath and gave him the best explanation I could. Nothing like getting the hard stuff out of the way first, I guess. “My mom died when I was seven. From then on, it was just my dad and me. He wanted to do everything he could to provide me with the things I needed, so he worked two jobs. I rarely saw him. The neighbor lady watched me a lot while he was always working. We were close even though I was a little resentful that we never got to spend a lot of time together. This continued until I was old enough to stay home alone. But I was lonely.

“When I was only a couple years older than you are now, a boy told me he liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend. We were together for a few months when, one day, I realized I was pregnant. I was so scared, because I was sure my dad was going to kill me. I hid it from him for as long as I could, but when it was impossible to hide any longer, I broke down and told him. We talked for weeks about what we would do. He told me he would do everything he could to support me.”

Alex had turned slightly toward me and was listening intently. I cleared my throat and took a sip from the bottle of water I’d brought with me before I continued.

“I knew how I’d grown up. Never seeing my dad because he always worked. I was still in high school. I didn’t have the skills to go and get a job that would support me and a baby. My dad had already busted his ass for ten years working two jobs just to support the both of us. What would happen if we added a baby to the mix? And I couldn’t go to your biological father’s family. He refused to acknowledge that you were his. And his family believed him over me. I knew that a baby needed clothes every couple months, diapers, formula, toys, and all the other array of things. I had no idea how I was going to be able to take care of you.

“I ran every scenario through my head. What happened if you got sick? We didn’t have the money to pay for medical bills. It took me a long time to resign myself to the fact that there was no way I could give you the kind of life you deserved. And even though you were just this little thing growing inside my belly, I knew I had to do what I thought was best for you even if it broke my heart to do it. And I swear to you Alex, it shattered me. I couldn’t think of myself though. So, I found a family I thought could give you all the things I knew I couldn’t.”

I breathed a small sigh of relief, having finally gotten that off my chest. I couldn’t believe how freeing it was to finally let Alex know why I had done what I did. Even if he hated me, saying the words out loud, even now, I knew my choice back then had been the right one. I almost felt the heavy burden of guilt lighten off my shoulders. I would still always wonder what could have been, but I could now accept my choice no matter how difficult it was.

I tried to gauge his response to my story. He hadn’t moved other than when he shifted toward me when I first started talking, so I wasn’t sure how he took everything.

He studied me intently and didn’t say anything for the longest time. Beads of sweat dripped down my back. The words he spoke just then made me jerk back in surprise. “Thank you. I may not have a perfect life, but I was loved and taken care of. I can’t imagine being so young and having to make such a hard decision. I’m sure you did the best you could. So, yeah, thank you.”

I burst into tears. The horrified look on Alex’s face should have made me laugh, but it only made me cry harder. Warm arms wrapped around me and Connor pulled me close, and I buried my face into his hard chest and bawled. I could hear the confusion in Alex’s voice as he asked, “What did I say? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make her cry.”

“Just give her a minute,” Connor told him. He cradled my head against him as the tears continued. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and it was like I’d come home. I absorbed his strength and let out a shuddering breath as the final tears fell. Once I had myself under control, I wiped away the last of the tears.

I turned to Alex who looked like he was about to burst into tears. “You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that. I was so afraid you were going to hate me. To hear you thank me threw me for a loop. I didn’t expect that.” I thought about the phone calls he’d made to me then. I needed to know what was going on.

“Alex,” I tentatively began. “Why did you call me for help? I had no idea what was going on, and I was terrified when you hung up on me both times.”

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