Page 16 of Say Yes

At his words, a cold rush of air smothered me, and I couldn’t move. In that split second, my chest no longer rose, and no air entered my lungs. The sound of waves crashing against cliffs came with a resounding boom in my ears. My vision darkened, and sweat poured profusely from my pores.

“Casey? Casey? Talk to me. What’s going on?” Philip’s voice was muffled and broken as it battled against the ocean water in my head. It came from far away, and I could barely make it out.

“Damn it. I’m right here, Casey. You’re safe. It’s just me, Philip. Come on sweetie, open your eyes. Look at me. That’s it. Open your eyes. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Finally, Philip’s words broke through the white noise, and I slowly regained awareness of where I was. Philip was on his knees next to the couch, and I was laying on my back as he pressed a cold towel across my forehead. I laid there, feeling the thudding of my heartbeat slowing down in my ears, the buzzing sound dimming to a dull roar. My hair felt sticky with sweat, and my head was starting to pound. None of this mattered in comparison to the raging embarrassment I felt. To this utter powerlessness coursing through me as the memories came crashing in.

“Oh god, please kill me now,” I moaned with my forearm draped over my eyes to avoid the pity surely shining out of Philip’s. This was utterly mortifying.

“Casey, baby, what happened?” Philip’s words were imbued with concern, but I couldn’t help flinch.

“Please don’t call me that.” My voice was rough, my throat thick and tight trying to get the request out.

“Don’t call you what? Baby?” I could hear his confusion.

I pushed the washcloth off my forehead and sat up on the couch, scooting as far over as I could possibly go as I curled into the armrest, knees to chest, with my arms wrapped around them. I couldn’t bear to look at Philip right now. Not that he’d done anything wrong. It wasn’t his fault what just happened. He couldn’t have known how I’d react. I didn’t know how I’d react.

“That’s what Mr. Childress would call me.” It had taken me a long time to be able to say his name without vomiting. I inhaled a shuddering breath before continuing. “Every time he would come to my room and touch me, do things to me, he’d always say ‘you like that, don’t you, baby?’ Hearing those words again just…freaked me out, I guess. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t you ever fucking say you’re sorry about something like that.”

I jumped at the biting words. My eyes drifted to Philip. Some of his hair had come loose from its tie, and several strands were sticking up as though he’d run his fingers through its long length. His fists clenched and unclenched on his lap. My gaze darted up to meet his.

“I’m the one who is sorry. I knew this was a bad idea from the beginning. I got carried away. Don’t worry; it won’t happen again.”

His tone held a note of finality.

“Yes, it will. I mean, not the freaking out part. I mean, at least, I hope it doesn’t. But, if it does, we’ll talk it out. Re-evaluate and start over.”

“I can’t go through the last twenty minutes, Casey. Do you have any idea what it was like for me when you were gasping for air? I won’t do that to you again. I’m sorry.”

He rose from his kneeling position and headed for the front door. I jumped to my feet.

“Philip, wait.”

He stopped and turned toward me with such a sorrowful expression; my whole body jerked back. “I’m sorry, Casey. I just can’t.”

Then, he was gone.

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