Page 82 of Because I Could Not Stop for Death

His face fell.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should not have snapped at you. I was distracted.”

“You seem to be distracted a lot lately.”

I didn’t see any reason to respond to that. “I have to make a purchase for Miss O’Brien and get back to work.” I left him on the sidewalk and hurried into the general store for Margaret’s lye.

Much to my surprise, Matthew was still standing on the sidewalk outside of the general store after I bought the lye. He was in uniform and watched the street with care. It was evident that he saw everything all at once, including me while I tried to sneak by him.

“I will walk you back to North Pleasant Street.”

I frowned at him. “People will talk.”

“I know,” he agreed. “But there are things I need to tell you.”

I sighed and let him fall into step with me. “Are you going to tell me what you were doing with Mr.Johnson at the tearoom when you were in Washington last week?”

He looked down at me in surprise.

“You are helping him, aren’t you? On his abolitionist crusade? And you knew Henry was also helping him. You tried to mislead me that Mr.Johnson was dangerous. You told me that Henry was hired to spy on him. He hired Henry. Are you going to tell me that you lied to protect me?”

Matthew’s jaw twitched as if he was trying to control his emotions. “Is that wrong?”

“Yes. I would not want the man who professed to lo—care about me to lie to me.”

He closed his eyes for a moment. “You’re right. I should have told you the truth from the beginning. Jeremiah and I agreed to spin the tale that Henry was spying on Johnson to keep you safe. While you concentrated on Johnson, it kept you from getting too close to the real culprit. We also wanted to protect the cause. If the Reader knew we were looking for him, he would be more difficult to find. I should have known you would figure it out in the end. I am sorry.”

I searched his eyes, which were so full of regret. “I see why you did it, but you have to promise me something. Promise me you will never lie to me again no matter the cost.”

“I won’t lie to you again. You have my word.”

I let out a breath. “I thought as a police officer, you weren’t supposed to be involved in politics like that. Can’t you get in trouble?”

He stared straight ahead as we walked. “I could,” he admitted finally.

“And you went to Washington on your own time, not at the request of the department. Why? Are you an abolitionist too?” I asked in a voice so quiet I wasn’t sure that he heard me.

However, he must have heard me, because he said, “I am. As a police officer, I am acutely aware when the law can harm and not protect. I have always been against slavery, but when things became worse, I stepped forward.”

“Stepped forward how?”

“I joined the movement when the law changed in 1850. As an officer of the law, I would be required to put men, women, and even children back into the hands of slave catchers. I couldn’t bear it. I became a police officer to serve and protect, not to hurt and enslave.”

I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. A wagon full of squawking chickens in wooden cages in the back rattled by us. The sounds of the chickens’ clucks were deafening. When they were gone, I asked, “Are you a conductor like Mr.Johnson?”

He removed his policeman’s cap and held it in his hands. “No. As a police officer, it would be too noticeable if I were. However, I have been an informant for the railroad. The police department would receive tips when the slave catchers were in town, and I would pass those on to the conductors.”

I was silent. It was so much to take in. Both my brother and Matthew had been involved in something so important, and I had no idea. What would I have done if I’d known? Joined? Or asked them not to participate for their own safety? I was ashamed to realize that it would most likely have been the latter of the two.

Matthew let out a deeply held breath. “I can’t stand the idea of you thinking that I was in any way involved in Henry’s death. I was on his side. I went to Washington to meet with Johnson and others in the movement. I wanted to make the loss of Henry mean something. I loved him like a brother. I want to know what happened to him just as much as you do.”

I nodded and tried to take this all in. “I can understand why you had to keep your involvement secret. The movement would be at risk, and you would be at personal risk of losing your position with the police, but why are you telling me all this now?” I asked.

“Because you’re an important person to me, Willa. I even...” He trailed off.

I studied his face. “You even what?”

“I even admire you too.” He said “admire” like he choked on the word. As if it wasn’t the word he had planned to say from the beginning. “You’re unlike any other woman—person—that I have ever met. You were fiercely loyal to your brother even when he made mistakes. You’re loyal to him still as you put yourself at risk to find out what happened to him.” His tone changed. “But I don’t think you understand what a dangerous game it is you’re playing. The men on both sides of this issue would not have a second thought about hurting a poor woman who found herself in the middle of it.”

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